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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ban him from ever drinking with me ever again

51 replies

FutTheShuckUp · 01/12/2012 23:35

This has been an age long problem, but not so much recently as me and DH havent been out in a drinking situation for a while. But tonight we are at a fairly respectable venue, live band etc. All starts off okay but DH does his usual trick of throwing the pints down his neck at a ridiculous speed then talkink utter crap and being obnoxious.
When I tell him to maybe slow his drinking down as it ends with him being rude and I cant talk to him when he's like it he starts with the old well remember when you (and will bring up a drink related incident from say 7 years ago for example) and will accuse me of spoiling his fun/showing him up.
I utterly despise him when hes had too much to drink and he seems to be unable to pace himself like all his mates do when they are out with their wives/partners.
WIBU to tell him under no uncertain terms he isnt to touch a drop when out with me

OP posts:

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam · 02/12/2012 08:21

My DP is like this. Not all the time. We can go for meals together etc without any problem. It's when we are out in a group at the pub or a party/event that he generally drinks far more than he can handle and he acts like a tool.

For this reason I don't go to these events anymore. It has meant making some minor adjustments toy social life but it has been worth it. We argue less and I am no longer put in embarrassing situations.

minifingers · 02/12/2012 08:24

YANBU

If someone's drinking habits are causing distress in their closest relationship and they can't or won't change it then that's a a problem. A big problem.

I couldn't stay with a man who was spoke to me in a disrespectful way - drunk or sober.

GalaxyDefender · 02/12/2012 09:19

I feel your pain, OP. A lot of people dismiss this kind of problem when they don't know someone who has real problems with alcohol. DSs dad is exactly like your DH when he's had something to drink - he turns into a complete arse. And despite me saying emphatically that he is never to speak to me when he's been drinking, he still does it, and won't cut down

If your DH won't stop drinking when you're out, and won't accept that he is vile to you when he's been drinking, you really need to think on how that reflects his feelings towards you.

cinnamonnut · 02/12/2012 09:21

YANBU, ignore the first few posters. Ridiculous that you'd get a response like that.

I think some people in this society are very defensive of overconsumption of alcohol.

puds11 · 02/12/2012 09:23

Grim, may have to borrow that cloak from time to time.

aufaniae · 02/12/2012 09:40

YANBU. I'm quite frankly shocked at the posters who say his behaviour is OK. It's far from OK.

Two of my exes were alcoholics, and I recognise what you're saying only too well.

He is sober when he starts drinking, and - presumably - when you try to explain to him what he's like, so he can't blame his behaviour totally on the drink.

Can you video him when drunk so he can see what he's really like, without the haze of alcohol clouding his memory?

But, no, you're not BU at all to chose not to be around someone who is being an arsehole to you. Refusing to be around when he's drinking is drawing a line, and I think you need to do so.

FWIW DP and were both fairly heavy drinkers pre-DCs. On the very rare occasion these days (twice a year if that?!) we get a chance to have a proper drink, I enjoy his company when drunk. We're both happy / silly drunks and have fun together. This is the key difference. You're not saying you have a problem with being drunk, you have a problem with the way he is when drunk. I remember the sinking feeling when my exes were drunk and I knew what was coming Being humiliated is not my idea of fun, and you should not put up with it.

YANBU in the slightest and the people who think you are either simply don't understand what it's like or just want a fight IMO!

cinnamonnut · 02/12/2012 09:45

aufanie I think those posters just show how normalised this kind of drinking is

GhostShip · 02/12/2012 09:56

Is it just you or other people that think he's a twat when pissed?

I think YABU either way. You can't tell a grown man not to 'touch a drop' without you there. If it's a real problem then he needs to address it for himself, not be governed by his wife.

GhostShip · 02/12/2012 09:57

People are talking about his 'behaviour'. I don't see anything shocking in the OP. The OP said he was 'obnoxious', I think we need a bit more than that to decide how bad his behaviour was.

cinnamonnut · 02/12/2012 10:01

GhostShip she didn't say he couldn't touch a drop without her there. She said he can do whatever and get as pissed as he likes with his mates and not her, but when she's out with him, he couldn't.

GhostShip · 02/12/2012 10:04

Ah yeah sorry read that wrong.

That's even more funny then. She's 'allowed' to have a drink then but he isn't?

ENormaSnob · 02/12/2012 10:11

Yanbu at all.

Some people don't have a clue how horrible this situation can be unless they have experienced it.

You eventually get to the point of dreading social occasions when you have to go as a couple. My ex did it all the time, hence him being an ex.

My friends dh does it and it is seriously cringeworthy. He is laughed at as he's such a twat, she is pitied.

rainrainandmorerain · 02/12/2012 10:21

A few posters noting that any hint of limiting/watching your alcohol intake on here goes down very badly.... yes, it does seem to. Calm down, ladies, the OP isn't commenting on YOUR drinking, no need to get defensive!

I sympathise OP, and YANBU. I think unless you know someone like this, you don't get the problem. It's not to do with being an alcoholic, it's to do with how drink affects an individual. The person I know who changes personality is a very light drinker overall, no dependency issues - but they do drink too fast, where more habitual drinkers pace themselves.

He becomes argumentative, dismissive, downright rude and personal, and it really is like a different person coming out. I would never put up with in a partner. it would have to be sober evenings out or nothing.

btw, I think trying to talk to someone about their drinking WHEN they are drinking is a total waste of time. You need to establish ground rules when you are both drink-free. You can tell him not to drink when you are out together if you want - a better way of putting it might be that you will not come out with him if he is going to drink. then it sounds less like you 'having a go' and more like you just drawing a line because you've had enough.

Original poster

FutTheShuckUp · 02/12/2012 10:21

HEC mine is the same. People are pointing and laughing/staring yet he's so out of it I can't make him see.
Ghost ship I say he cant touch a drop as he can't pace himself at all so clearly like the big childish oaf he is needs telling to have none

OP posts:

GhostShip · 02/12/2012 10:27

And futtheshuckup so he's a big childish oaf now. And youre married to him... why?

TiggyD · 02/12/2012 10:27

You can't ban him but you can just leave when he starts.

TidyDancer · 02/12/2012 10:32

It is controlling to have the attitude you displayed in your OP. To say WIBU to tell him under no uncertain terms he isnt to touch a drop when out with me makes it look like you're in charge and he will comply.

However....

I think you have phrased this poorly. If you were to say to him that you are happy for him to have a couple of drinks, but that you will leave if he becomes silly, well that's certainly not unreasonable.

ChaoticforlifenotjustChristmas · 02/12/2012 10:54

The OP mentioned that he brings up incidents from 7 years ago. Maybe she thought he would grow up, learn to control his drinking, and stop being an obnoxious twat.

OP YANBU Having said that you can't tell him not to drink but you can refuse to go out with him or leave when he starts being obnoxious.

FreudiansSlipper · 02/12/2012 11:19

the op dh does not need to grow a pair he needs to take responsibility for his actions, when he is drunk he becomes obnoxious and upsets his wife that is not ok

You can not tell him not to drink but you could tell him next time if he does not pace himself, gets drunk acts like an idoit and is rude to you that you will go home alone. I know this is ackward with others around but it may wake him up to how upsetting his behaviour is

I have known quite a few people and ex's who are totally different people when they have had a drink, and sme it delends what they drink. one was a really happy drunk one drink could totally change him but he would only be moody with me happy with everyone else and try and start arguing, being drunk allows us to sometimes say what is on our mind and air those little annoyances but it also impairs our judgement and things get blown out of proportion

or you could record him and play it back

FreudiansSlipper · 02/12/2012 11:20

it depends what they drink......

stupid ipad

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 02/12/2012 11:53

I was one of the first few posters, I only made the point that she can't tell him what to do. No one can controls the actions of someone else, they can only control their own.

It would be perfectly reasonable for OP to leave him to it when he gets drunk and stupid, or to refuse to go out with him if she knows he will drink.

I asked what he was like the rest of the time to see if this was a regular problem or one that only came up infrequently. I didn't get answered, which is of course the OPs choice, but IMO the advice would be different if the DH only drinks twice a year compared to if he does it every weekend.

rainrainandmorerain · 02/12/2012 12:05

The op says 'me and dh haven't been out in a drinking situation for a while.'

Doesn't sound like every weekend to me.

Fakebook · 02/12/2012 12:12

Wow, some of those first responses are a load of bollocks! You don't sound controlling at all. It's funny how all the sheep come out early on threads.

Yanbu to not go out with him if he can't respect you enough to control his drink whilst out with you. What a selfish arse.

QueenStromba · 02/12/2012 13:26

What about making sure he doesn't take his wallet out only has enough cash out for 3-4 drinks?

GothAnneGeddes · 03/12/2012 00:39

Cinnamonnut - Yes indeed about the defensive responses. I think there are far more people out there with drinking problems then people think, because are so quick to minimise and call spoilsport.

You don't have to be drinking 24/7 to have a drink problem and problem drinking in whatever form can be just as devastating for those around the drinker.

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