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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting strangers changing dd's nappy unless necessary

49 replies

Lia87 · 01/12/2012 19:35

Know i'm probably being bit fussy

3 month old dd's dad has seen her a few hours past 2 months, so isn't really involved either (through his own choice). I took her to see him yesterday and he asked his flatmate who i've never met before to change her nappy. I just said its fine ill do it and didnt make a fuss at the time but mentioned to her dad after that i'd prefer it if we didn't have just anyone changing her nappy especially as she gets a bit older as its not nice for her then either. he kicked up a massive fuss shouting that he was allowed to let anyone change his daughters nappy and it was nothing to do with me

i just feel like people who aren't family or well known to her (eg nursery staff in future) shouldn't be cleaning her private parts unless its necessary, especially random people she's never met before (her dads only known him about a month too)
was i being over controlling or is it a reasonable concern to have?

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 01/12/2012 19:40

Well, I doubt most people want to change someone else's baby's nappy either unless its really necessary. What was the flatmates reaction?

Would your reaction have been different if the flatmate was female?

I think it's reasonable to be unreasonable about this type of thing when you have children, especially small babies.

3littlefrogs · 01/12/2012 19:40

You are not being fussy. I agree totally with your point of view. I am shocked by your dd's dad TBH.

He sounds dreadful.

I wouldn't even bother taking her to see him TBH. If he wants to see her he should come to a convenient place of your choosing, and at a convenient time for you.

Original poster
Lia87 · 01/12/2012 20:02

His flat mate looked towards me when he asked him and i said don't worry ill do it before he replied so think he was a bit awkward about it, swear its like her dads just trying to worry me the way he acts half the time.

Admittedly i probably wouldn't be worrying quite as much about what could happen if he has her alone infuture if it had been a girl (however sexist that is sorry!) but i would still have intervened and mentioned it to him in the same way. Anyone new is a stranger to her regardless at the end of the day, i wouldn't have my friends changing her.

OP posts:
catgirl1976geesealaying · 01/12/2012 20:06

I wouldn't have a problem with a stranger changing DS's nappy, I just wouldn't expect anyone to want to change a random baby's nappy.

I think YABU to worry when you wouldn't if it was a woman, but your DH was being U to ask his flatmate and his reaction was very U

splashymcsplash · 01/12/2012 20:06

Yanbu

If you are bring dd to visit him then he should be caring for her.

Btw why are you bringing dd to him? He should be making the effort to travel to you.

splashymcsplash · 01/12/2012 20:07

Also is he paying child support?

OpheliaPayneAgain · 01/12/2012 20:14

I seriously don't know what you are concerned about. Maybe I'm being spectacularly dense (which is possible). I certainly wouldnt leave the room, but hypothetically, if your EX-Ps marte is a already a hands on father, he amy be more deft at it than your Ex?

Although the fact he's male really shouldnt come into the equation. That suspicion that every man is a potential abuser is just so very wrong IMHO.

ImperialBlether · 01/12/2012 20:36

I doubt your ex's flatmate is a concern, but your ex certainly is. Why didn't he change the baby? He's hardly seeing her but can't be bothered changing her? You have to take the baby to see him?

I wouldn't do it, OP. I really wouldn't.

Original poster
Lia87 · 01/12/2012 20:42

Catgirl, he's not my husband, and his flatmate isn't a father either.
Its not just that he's a male, like i said i'd have reacted the same with a female, it just worried me slightly more as it doesn't seem like he'd have any reservations if a male asked him to change her nappy, as he thought it ok to ask him to. Like someone else said i wouldn't expect a stranger to want to, which he didn't seem to consider

OP posts:
WildWorld2004 · 01/12/2012 20:46

Is your ex the guy who wanted overnight care of his dd? That he thought it was ok to leave a small baby to cry? And that you should only feed a baby every 4 hours & not before even though it is crying.

Original poster
Lia87 · 01/12/2012 20:46

He's not paying child support as he can be very spiteful and dont feel its worth the hassle it will cause me, especially if it encourages him to use her to get back at me

OP posts:
Original poster
Lia87 · 01/12/2012 20:48

Wild world thats the one

OP posts:
GhostShip · 01/12/2012 20:49

Would you allow your friends to do it?

PortoDude · 01/12/2012 20:52

Hang on mo. You went to visit your ex with the baby, and he suggested that his flatmate changed a nappy? Why did you not do this Why did you allow such a scenario to happen.

splashymcsplash · 01/12/2012 20:52

Lia he sounds like a prize twat. Do you think dd is benefiting from this contact?

Original poster
Lia87 · 01/12/2012 20:53

Ghostship no i wouldn't let my friends

OP posts:
PortoDude · 01/12/2012 20:55

Why did your ex not change the nappy?

GhostShip · 01/12/2012 20:56

YANBU Lia.

Original poster
Lia87 · 01/12/2012 20:56

Splashy, she's not as far as i'm concerned, but he keeps threatening court and so trying to keep things calm and not give him reason to as terrified about being told to leave her alone with him

OP posts:
Original poster
Lia87 · 01/12/2012 20:59

Portodude, not a clue he didn't say, guess he just didn't want to

OP posts:
shalo2 · 01/12/2012 20:59

No you aren't BU...at all. In ths day and age I would not let anyone I did not know change my DD or DS nappy. ex Dp shouldn't have your DD overnight if you aren't 100% happy that he can be trusted to look after your child properly. Don't know the backstory but feel for you as he sounds quite selfish. Keep your Dd close she is far too young for overnighters anyway x

Original poster
Lia87 · 01/12/2012 21:00

Splashy, she's not as far as i'm concerned, but he keeps threatening court and so trying to keep things calm and not give him reason to as terrified about being told to leave her alone with him

OP posts:
MarianneM · 01/12/2012 21:01

Why did you have a child with this guy?

Original poster
Lia87 · 01/12/2012 21:02

Splashy, she's not as far as i'm concerned, but he keeps threatening court and so trying to keep things calm and not give him reason to as terrified about being told to leave her alone with him

OP posts:
tasmaniandevilchaser · 01/12/2012 21:04

I remember your thread from before, lia. TBH your baby's dad sounds like a dick generally. There is a lot more going on than asking a random person to change a nappy.

FWIW, I was very protective over DD when she was tiny, I wouldn't have wanted a stranger changing her nappy. It just seems weird. I certainly wouldn't think anyone was a paedophile, male or female. It just seems weird.

But like others have said, the problem is her dad. From your last thread, he is controlling and has no idea of what a tiny baby needs. Your DD just seems like something to control you with.

I don't have any good advice about how to deal with a spiteful, controlling ex I'm afraid, but he's not going to change. Keep breast feeding would be my first thought, that keeps the ball in your court for a while wrt to overnight visits. And don't doubt yourself! It's irrelevant really whether a load of random strangers on the internet think it's ok or not for a stranger to change a nappy - what matters is what YOU think. He should be respecting your wishes, he's not her main caregiver.