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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not wanting strangers changing dd's nappy unless necessary

49 replies

Lia87 · 01/12/2012 19:35

Know i'm probably being bit fussy

3 month old dd's dad has seen her a few hours past 2 months, so isn't really involved either (through his own choice). I took her to see him yesterday and he asked his flatmate who i've never met before to change her nappy. I just said its fine ill do it and didnt make a fuss at the time but mentioned to her dad after that i'd prefer it if we didn't have just anyone changing her nappy especially as she gets a bit older as its not nice for her then either. he kicked up a massive fuss shouting that he was allowed to let anyone change his daughters nappy and it was nothing to do with me

i just feel like people who aren't family or well known to her (eg nursery staff in future) shouldn't be cleaning her private parts unless its necessary, especially random people she's never met before (her dads only known him about a month too)
was i being over controlling or is it a reasonable concern to have?

OP posts:

Original poster

Lia87 · 01/12/2012 21:06

Ahh sorry phone reposts if i press back :( and wasn't exactly planned marianne... Don't agree with aborting a child just because her dads a tool

OP posts:

splashymcsplash · 01/12/2012 21:06

From the sound of it he is just threatening and would never sacrifice the time, effort and money to actually take you to court re access.

If you show that you are reasonable: offering him access, then you have nothing to fear besides. For your dd's contact should be regular, so it wouldn't be unreasonable to insist on a regular time. He should also be coming to you. If he doesn't want to make the effort then it is his problem.

tasmaniandevilchaser · 01/12/2012 21:06

lia can you get some free legal advice (I keep reading on here that you can get 30 mins free with a solicitor for some advice), at least then you'll have a better idea of what he really is entitled to, considering how useless he's been. I remember from your other thread that he's cancelled lots of arrangements. Someone advised you to keep a record of all these let downs, so that you have a record of how useless he is. Have you done that?

splashymcsplash · 01/12/2012 21:07

Ps I do have experience of this so feel free to pm me.

WildWorld2004 · 01/12/2012 21:11

I would do what you feel is right for you and your child. If he wants to take you to court let him. No judge in their right mind would allow a breast fed baby unsupervised visits for long periods of time.

Original poster

Lia87 · 01/12/2012 21:12

Thanks tasmania, just don't want to start completely overreacting to everything and end up looking like the unreasonable one if he does take things further

OP posts:

lovebunny · 01/12/2012 21:15

lia87,
regardless of what the man is like, why you had a baby with him or any other points raised by people who want to make you feel bad, you are absolutely sound and right in not wanting strangers to change her nappy.
i would want to keep the dad under observation and have access visits in my own home. then any nappy changing could be done by you.
be strong, be firm. you're in an awkward situation but your instincts are right.

Original poster

Lia87 · 01/12/2012 21:16

I have been recording everything

OP posts:

IneedAsockamnesty · 01/12/2012 21:18

Yanbu keep a dairy of stuff like this and should he every take you to court you have evidence that show just reason for your concerns

CecilyP · 01/12/2012 21:22

You are really, really not being fussy; not at all.

It is a very odd thing for your baby's dad to have asked. Not normal at all. Why on earth would he have asked his flatmate to change the baby's nappy. If you were there at the time, I would expect you to do it.

tasmaniandevilchaser · 01/12/2012 21:23

I don't think it's overreacting to keep a record of when he's let you and your DD down, or when he wants inappropriate things for your DD. You don't have to tell him, or tell anyone. It's just covering all bases, just in case. You're dealing with a very unpleasant person, I would see it as protecting yourself and your DD.

FWIW I agree with splashy, I don't think he would take you to court, I think he's all mouth.

But having been in the position where I was advised to keep a log of behaviour and incidents, at first I thought it was a bit OTT. I'm really glad I did when it came to the court case. I think the magistrates could see our neighbour was a complete and utter fruit loop but I felt that I'd done everything I could and it helped to keep the stress levels down a bit. Anyway, sorry dodgy neighbours isn't that relevant to you but you get the idea.

tasmaniandevilchaser · 01/12/2012 21:24

sorry x posts, just seen you've been recording everything

kc77 · 01/12/2012 21:38

I'm with you on this one Lia, your ex sounds like a total arse, will he be letting random strangers take her to the loo in years to come because he can't be bothered?

OpheliaPayneAgain · 01/12/2012 21:44

Randomly O/T I once commented to a 17yo girl she had very 'mothering qualities', she replied "what do you expect? I've already brought up 5 children" - you never know peoples backgrounds, perhaps he#'s alredy been the man in a house full of children that his mother was too busy to keep on top of.

On the other hand you might be posting back in 3 years something entirely different.

But i still think it's really wrong of you to sterotype by gender and imply this bloke is somehow dodgy just because he's a bloke.

AyeOopMoose · 01/12/2012 21:45

YANBU. I wouldn't want someone I didn't know changing DCs nappies.

He sounds awful from other posts. If he's not paying maintenance maybe going to court would actually be good as it could set boundaries? but I'm not an expert in these areas

CecilyP · 01/12/2012 21:54

Ophelia, I don't think anyone thinks the flatmate is dodgy and there is no reason to believe he is; he also seems to to be an innocent party in all this, who is being used by the dad as part of his controlling behaviour.

I don't know about you, but I never randomly asked anyone to change my baby's nappies, regardless of how maternal they looked.

OpheliaPayneAgain · 01/12/2012 21:57

cecily me either - nappy changing and feeding was DHs job when he was home - I didn't really do babies much. Oddly he likes that sort of thing.

Original poster

Lia87 · 01/12/2012 22:09

Ophelia, i dont think theres anything dodgy about his flatmate, he looked to me when her dad asked, as i said i would only think it strange if he was keen to do her nappy
surely you're agreeing anyway if you're saying you didn't let strangers do your childrens nappys

OP posts:

notmyproblem · 01/12/2012 22:39

Lia you keep posting on here about your ex, have you gotten any further with getting a solicitor and CAS involved?

Every thread you post, loads of people tell you he's a dick, the court would never allow a 10-week-old baby overnight visits with a non-resident father, etc. etc.

Are you still driving hours and hours to see him? Putting your infant baby though hours in the carseat, paying all the petrol yourself, letting him control you?

You say above that you're afraid of him and that's ok -- but what's not ok is that you seem to be making no progress tackling that and trying to make yours and your DDs lives safe from him.

He's a controlling abusive twat, as you've been told time and time again. Please please start making moves to curb your contact with him, he's using the baby to control you and make you afraid - he's telling you lies and being abusive.

Post on here as much as you need to, but I hope you're also using this moral support to make a change! You're worth more than this

pigletmania · 01/12/2012 22:53

Oh god your the op with the prize knobber of an ex who wanted your very young dd to stay overnight and you are Breastfeeding. God don't do it, don't take her to him. No I would nt like random strangers changing my children it's nt rght male or female

CaptainVonTrapp · 01/12/2012 23:01

I remember your other thread. Listen to notmyproblem pm splashy (go to 'inbox' at the top of the page and send a new message).

This guy is a total dick. Stand up to him now or every time you give an inch he will take a mile.

Stop taking the baby to him. See if he comes to see her. Bet he doesn't.

Can't believe he asked his flatmate to change the nappy. He's just trying to wind you up.

Inertia · 01/12/2012 23:12

He did it to scare you. Just like everything else.

Surprised the flatmate didn't tell him he was being a lazy arse who should change his own baby's nappy.

I think you need advice from a solicitor, because your ex is using your baby and your fear to control you - and this is the very worst kind of scare tactic, because he's trying to force you to put your baby into what seems to you to be a vulnerable position.

Men like this don't just stop pushing if you don't react - often they ramp up the threat level . Please get professional advice.

cestlavielife · 01/12/2012 23:21

Stop taking her to see him.
If he wants t be involved have him see her at at trusted friend 's house or ina public
place like a cafe.

tasmaniandevilchaser · 02/12/2012 13:53

I agree with inertia and notmy. I don't think it's overreacting to see a solicitor. Just to know where you stand. Don't tell him, just go and get an idea of how the legal system can protect you and your DD. make sure you tell the solicitor about how abusive he is.

And yes, stop driving to see him, he can come to you. I hardly went anywhere when DD was little, people always came to me to visit.

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