I posted on here the other day about my Fiance ending our relationship. I need serious help.

[SmallBump48]

I have gotten to the point now where i do not enjoy anything, absolutely anything. I need him in my life.

I am pregnant with his child and i have his 14 month old aswell.

I met up with him today to discuss things and we couldnt agree on most of the stuff we talked about to do with our son, e.g. Child support, Contact etc. He didnt stay long as he had to leave so i couldnt tell him everything that i wanted to.

I have asked him to meet me again and he has text me that he doesnt want to as he never wants to see me again only to see his son, I am heartbroken beyond repair; I want to tell him how i feel and discuss everything that is going to happen between us for mine, our son and our babys sake and for my bit of closure.

AIBU with that?

Small, so sorry for you situation and that you feel so low. Do you have any family or friends you can tell? If you are desperate please call Samaritans
www.samaritans.org/

I called them many years ago when I was in the depths of despair and they were lovely and really helped.

Hugs to you.

I sympathise that it can be hard to find closure when we have been dumped and the other person won't discuss it. It is possible, though. When it happened to me I devoured loads of self help books - it filled the time and helped me feel more in control.

What a cowardly bastard! "Had to leave?" What could have been more pressing than sorting out contact arrangements with you for his children?

Bastard.

(and hugs to you)

You're not being unreasonable at all. I'm really sorry for you. I hope things work themselves out.

The Samaritans is a good idea.

You aren't being unreasonable, but unfortunately not many people get the chance to talk things through and get that closure. You may have to find it on your own...

It seems very likely that he feels incredibly guilty, either for something he has done wrong or because he's left you whilst you are pregnant, and therefore can't face seeing you again. It's horrible, but there isn't much you can do about it.

With regards to practical issues like contact and child support, you could speak to a solicitor, or look up the usual requirements? There is a CSA calculator. Does he live somewhere suitable to have your son on alternate weekends?

I am so sorry that you are going through this. You'll be okay, though. Take it an hour at a time, and you'll get through this.

So sorry to hear he is being so heartless.
Please call CSA and get that in motion. You don't want to be left with his financial responsability as well as having to sort out his contact arrangements. One thing less to think about or contact him about that way.

Next I would focus on contact centres near you - so he can still see his DS. If nothing else this will give you some time to yourself. Make sure you pick on closer to you so you won't have to travel too far to indulge ex. Contact centres are the best way to allow kids to see the other parent if they do not want to see you.

I would also see a solicitor and get your 30mins of free advice. You aren't yet married but there may be something they can do or advice to give. I would also ask the solicitor to write to him to confirm everything goes via solicitors now. You don't want to be getting into emotional dramas with him while you are og.. You need to get on with keeping healthy and sane!
DD going nuts, type again later.

Not that it's much help, but I read the title as

"I posted on here the other day about France ending our relationship"

It's horrible, and I'm so sorry for you. Is there a reason he's being like that? If he won't discuss properly, maybe mediation is the way to go?

YANBU to want to talk about things maturely but it sounds as though he has completely switched off from the relationship, regards you as an inconvenience and his attention is now elsewhere. I didn't read your first thread but I'd assume there's someone else in the picture? Or is he being cagey about his reasons for leaving?

He will never satisfactorily explain himself and you will not receive 'closure' unfortunately. Therefore, save yourself the upset of having to go through the same face-to-face experience again and instead deal with him remotely, sticking to practical matters, involving a solicitor, CSA or similar if he is not cooperative.

At the same time, be kind to yourself, surround yourself with friends and family, get as much RL support as you can and focus on getting through each day as best you can. You deserve so much better than this cruel man. Good luck

we couldnt agree on most of the stuff we talked about to do with our son, e.g. Child support, Contact etc

That's very sad, but the support part is something that will be done for you. Get on to CSA and let them sort it with him.

Oh small I really feel for you. Talk to someone in real life about your feelings be it Samaritans or a counsellor.

With him focus on practicalities. Do it using e-mail to keep a record.

He doesn't want to hear about your feelings, because he doesn't want to face up to the hurt he has caused. I wouldn't help you even if he would listen, because he isn't going to say sorry. What you will come to see later is that all of this will be based on selfishness on his part.

'I have gotten to the point now where i do not enjoy anything, absolutely anything. I need him in my life.'

You are going through a stage - it will not last.

My ex left and hasn't seen his DD for 11months - basically turned up once un announced to try to convince me to stop CSA claim, but other than that could have just fallen off the planet. Only way to deal with these men is to go through the proper channels. They don't listen to you otherwise and will just carry on doing nothing.

Please do call CSA today x

What an arse. I'm sorry he's doing this.

Has he said why he's left other than that he doesn't want to be with you?

You're pregnant so you'll be feeling everything x2. This is very sad, and if he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you he should be taking your feelings into consideration, you have a life growing inside you, and he's the one who's decided to leave. Why make it more difficult by being a bastard.

Like others have said, call CSA. He needs to be financially responsible for his children. Don't leave it up to him, you need to take control and make sure your children don't lose out.

With regards to him never seeing you again, well that's tough. You're going to be having his baby, and unless you give birth to a 6 month old, that baby won't be ready to go on daddy visits right away. He needs to stop being petulant and be reasonable. Children, especially babies, don't come unattached.

It's horrible that you're going through this

Hi small, reading your post takes me back to the utter despair I felt when my ex cheated on me while I was pregnant and left me for her whole she took great delight in rubbing my nose in it. I am so so sorry you are going through this.

As much as it hurts right now, YOU WILL get through this, and one day YOU WILL be happy again. I know you don't believe me, I didn't believe it when I was going through it, but it's true. Time is a great healer. You need to take things very slowly, do not think past what you have to do today, even the next hour if today feels like too much. Keep yourself as busy as possible, keep posting on here, go for a walk, ANYTHING that will take your mind off things.

I recommend a book called 'its called a breakup but because its broken'. It got me through some very tough times. I would post you my copy but I have lent it to so many people I don't know who has it now.

And once you are through this, you will be a better and stronger person. And if nothing else then you will have the experience to get your own DCs through their first heartbreak because you will know from experience that it is not the end of the world.

Personally I would leave the important discussions if possible with your ex until the dust has settled a little. Seeing him and giving him the opportunity to reject you is only going to make you feel worse. Go through the CSA channels first.

Wishing you lots of luck and sending you some unmumsnetty hugs. YOU CAN DO THIS AND YOU WILL COME THROUGH THE OTHER SIDE, xx.

Thank you so much for all the support.

I'm thinking about writing everything I am feeling down and giving it to him, Is that a good idea?

I am in early pregnancy so I am trying to be calm for the baby and for my DS but trying and doing are worlds apart at the moment.

I feel like someone has taken all the happiness from my life, I really do.

:'( :'(

I am living back with my parents, He is sorting the house out and moving back with his as it was rented housing.

My DM and DF keep on saying how awful he is, This really doesn't help me at all. I can't stop crying and sometimes I just want to let it out but they just say that 'He's not worth crying over' They just don't understand why I love him so much, He is the world to me and I have got this constant pain in my chest as I know that will never change but he keeps telling me that nothing will change his mind.

I want/have to change his mind for my sake, My little boys sake and my baby's sake :(

Agree. Write it down but don't hand it over. It'll just become something else he can hurt you with. Do you have someone you can talk to about all of this? Or someone you can leave DS with for a few hours so that you can relax, sob or whatever it is you need to do? If you're sad, tell your DS that you're sad. Even very small children understand what it's like to be sad... they don't expect you to be calm and cheery all the time.

And finally... you may feel bereft now but, quite soon, you're going to start feeling angry that you've been treated so shabbily. Seek out the 'how dare he' response. Embrace that anger when it happens because it'll help you through this.

I agree, write it down but don't give it to him. Writing it down will help you process your thoughts.

I wrote my ex many letters, often my hope was that if he could just see how much I was hurting and how much me and the baby needed him he would see sense and come back. I would also make excuses to see him hoping for the same result. I would fantasise endlessly about him coming back and telling the ow to fuck off. But it never happened and the truth is, he didn't want me.

In hindsight I'm glad none of my plans worked because I was only totturing myself. I have him more opportunities to reject me and every time I saw him it set me back in terms of healing and I would go back to crying all the time when I had stopped doing that.

He doesn't deserve you and in time you will come to see this too, xx.

You can't change someone else's mind. You can only change your behaviour. They are solely responsible for theirs. He's telling you nothing will change his mind.... so take it on face value.

Your parents are only expressing the anger that you're not feeling yet because everything's so raw and hurting. And they don't understand why you are defending this man, let alone loving him, because what he's doing is indefensible. You'll come to realise that in the next few weeks, if you haven't already.

BTW. You, your DS and your baby need stability and fidelity - not someone who can decide to swan off at the drop of a hat.

Any clues at all as to why he left? Your parents don't sound as if they liked him much, has he done nasty/thoughtless things before?

Just try to detach from thinking of him at all. As others have said you will be vulnerable at the mo with emotions high so distraction is best. You need to realise you are not thinking clearly as you could be. That is why it is fine to write things down but not send them. You may regret laying yourself open to him later, especially if he uses what you say against you.

Have you contacted CSA? Going to nag you on that as you need to feel productive as well as getting him to face up to his responsibility.

I am going to come across really heartless but i mean it to help you not kick you when you are down.

You cant make someone love you or want to be with you regardless of the fact you have a child and another on the way with him. You need to be strong for them and find away to move on and pull your life back together without him.

To keep thinking about ways to get him to come back to you wont help and if he has says he is never coming back then you have to accept this and get on with organizing the practical day to day stuff of maintenance and access for the children. Be practical and working though a day at a time will help you move away from needing him and the stronger you will feel and be.

Dont sit and dwell but keep busy even if it is just a trip to the park with your lad or a trip to tesco. And find time for you either a long soak in the bath or pamper yourself with a large bar of dairy milk and some crap tv.

You can and will get past this. Good luck and remember you dont need him or any man to make your life worth while.