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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by my brother's plan to stay in a hotel? (Long, sorry.)

40 replies

gail734 · 01/12/2012 12:26

Myself and my two brothers live about as far apart as possible. Well, DB1 and I both live in the north of Scotland, DB2 lives in London. When we all, rarely, get together, it's when we all congregate at dad's house, in another, central city. These occasions are really important to me because I really love my dad and my brothers and we all get on really well. We're all in long term relationships, partners all get on ok, and we have seven children between us, all under ten. So you can imagine that Grandpa's house gets pretty chaotic when we all get together. This is the issue: (at last!)
My mum died seven years ago, and sadly she only got to see two of these grandchildren. Since she died, my dad, who is in his late sixties, has allowed their beautiful and quite large house to become a bit of a cluttered mess. No way is it dirty, he is just free to collect stuff in a way that my mum would not have allowed. During our last visit, DB2 complained (to me) that the house was cold, there wasn't enough hot water for all of us, the beds are lumpy (same ol' lumpy beds we all grew up with!) the towels are ancient, and there was tension between DB2 and dad re "free range" children rampaging around making a mess. DB2's children (18 months and 3 years) are particularly energetic treasures who are always encouraged to express themselves. Fully. The older one kept expressing herself by emptying out a huge jigsaw onto the floor, then running off and leaving it, which was driving my dad up the wall. He's never been the most patient man when it comes to children, but he didn't lose his temper - he just looked stressed. At the end of the weekend, DB2 said, "Next time we come up here we're staying in a hotel." That was a week ago and it's been on my mind ever since. He didn't elaborate and didn't say it to my dad, but I'm worried about it. My dad, although stern, is a sweet and sensitive man who loves his time with his grandchildren and I think he would be hurt by this. Since my mum died, these rare family occasions are something I really look forward to. If he did stay in a hotel, would this be the beginning of the end for our family? AIBU to worry?

OP posts:
DawnOfTheDee · 01/12/2012 12:30

It depends how it's communicated to your dad. Your DB and his family staying in a hotel might be a better solution - DB doesn't have to stay somewhere he thinks is cold, etc and your Dad might be a bit less stressed if the whole family's not all under the same roof.

Labootin · 01/12/2012 12:30

I think tbh as long as your brother visits ( with his free range children) thats the most important thing.

Him staying in a hotel will probbly avoid rows (and give your dad a break)

Labootin · 01/12/2012 12:31

Oh and yanbu to worry thats what happens in a proper family!

NatashaBee · 01/12/2012 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 01/12/2012 12:34

Well I say it´s entirely up to your brother if he would be more comfortable.

Yes, your dad will probably be hurt, but he might also find it a relief to have less of you in the house with him.

If it´s that or not see your brother & his family, I´m sure he´d rather them stay where they feel comfortable.

bealos · 01/12/2012 12:36

I think we can't help but worry about these things, however I think you AB(a little)U. Your brother saying 'next time we'll stay in a hotel' was just after a stressful weekend. We all says things that might not be entirely true for the future, but express how we feel at the time in a difficult situation.

I think you've escalated your brother's comment into a situation which has yet to occur. What if you took away all those things that might happen? e.g. 'the beginning of the end for our family' and thought about how you do all get on really well and how you could improve the stay next time for everyone.

Families - especially when they are all staying under the same roof - will get on each others nerves. Isn't that part of the fun? :)

You might want to think about talking to your brother about your worries too.

diddl · 01/12/2012 12:43

Btw-if necessary can you turn the heating up/have the water on for longer/buy new towels?

It could be that brother just wants his own space though.

If there are 7 adults & 7 kids in a house that was used for 2 adults & 3 kids-it might feel cramped!

YuleBritannia · 01/12/2012 12:47

From the father's point of view (sort of), I would not want any children to come and make a mess of my house. I would expect their parents to control them and, if they didn't, I would control them but the parents would not like that. So I think your DB's idea of staying in an hotel would be a good one, as long as he and his wife kept reins on their children's mess.

It's your father's house, not a playground.

YuleBritannia · 01/12/2012 12:50

As for the hot water and room temperature, your father probably has high bills for gas and electricity so tries to economise in that field. With towels, why does it matter if they are old? They just have to be clean. On holiday in Italy not so long ago, the towels provided to us were more like tablecloths or tea towels. No towelling there.

BegoniaBampot · 01/12/2012 12:52

We now stay inns hotel when we visit home without kids and for some of the reasons you listed. YANBU to feel sad about it but neither is your brother BU, it's his choice. My family have no idea how they have made me feel at times when I've stayed in their homes, hotel for us now, it's much less stress for all.

TheElfOnThePanopticon · 01/12/2012 12:54

Staying in a hotel sounds like. pretty good idea to me, if there are toddlers who want to behave in Amway that isn't appropriate in the house. It sounds as though it might be a way for everyone to enjoy visits a bit more.

DontmindifIdo · 01/12/2012 12:55

Thing is, it doesn't sound like the house is children friendly any more or that your dad is tolerant of the normal mess/noise small children bring. Basically, it's good for you that you get your DBs together with your dad and play at being back being children in your family home, but this doesn't work for your brother, his DCs or your Dad. Why should everyone have a stressful time so that you can keep this memory of when you were children - which you aren't anymore.

Your DB's priorty is to his DCs, not you. He's not saying he won't visit, he's saying he won't stay in the house that isn't suitable. That's a sensible practical solution to a trying situation. Does your DF go to stay with your DB in London ever or does he only see him when he comes to him?

It also sounds like this house isn't suitable for your father anymore either, have you discussed if he wants to move to something easier for him to keep tidy and afford to heat, or are you trying to hold on to your childhood memories at the expense of your DF's comfort?

It also might be worth agreeing with your DBs that together you'll rent a place that's big enough for you all for the next get together, perhaps even better, try to get 3 cottages next to each other somewhere so there are enough bathrooms, heat, hotwater, space for everyone.

Whatdoiknowanyway · 01/12/2012 12:56

We live a long way from parents too. Every summer we visited PIL but as soon as we had children I insisited that we rented a cottage. They live in a holiday destination type place. MIL was not happy initially but I wanted the children to have the freedom to strop, shout and track sand in from the beach without granny getting stressed.
It worked brilliantly, even granny agrees and her (now adult) grandchildren have a great relationship with her.
From your description of your Dad's house I'd agree with your brother. I wouldn't want to stay there with young children.

expatinscotland · 01/12/2012 12:56

YABU! Sounds like he's very sensible. I can totally see his point.

BegoniaBampot · 01/12/2012 13:02

Stay in hotels when we visit home WITH kids.

ivykaty44 · 01/12/2012 13:04

I think if your db says to your dad:

Look dad we love coming up to stay but it shatters your piece you are so used to and you get stressed - to make sure we all still have a good time we will stay in a hotel to take the pressure of - as with 7 grandchild running around it is shear madness - we can all be together in the day and evening but it will give us a break so we don't fall out.

Viviennemary · 01/12/2012 13:06

Agree with your brother. He has made a sensible choice. He is still visiting. Your Dad might even be relieved.

RubyGates · 01/12/2012 13:07

I wish we'd had the money to stay in a hotel while we visited the ILs for the first couple of years after DS2 was born. There were no doors in the house that stayed closed and utterly no childproofing coupled with lots of fiddly, expensive ornaments.

It would have saved a lot of stress and angst. Now things are easier it might be less of an issue, but at the time I think it would have been the better option.

ImperialBlether · 01/12/2012 13:41

Sorry, OP, but is this really something to worry about? Your dad will be delighted, your brother will be happier, his kids might have to control themselves a bit more in a hotel so all is good.

Why the worry?

Narked · 01/12/2012 13:51

Totally sensible of your brother.

A 3 year old tipping his jigsaw onto the floor then running off is normal behaviour. If that's making your father stressed and 'he's never been the most patient man when it comes to children' why would you be so anti them having some space from each other Confused. Much better that than the inevitable argument that could cause long term problems.

GreenEggsAndNichts · 01/12/2012 14:00

It will probably make things easier for everyone if he stayed at a hotel.

However, he could have just been venting at the end of a stressful weekend. He might not actually follow through with it. But I can see why he would be stressed (and yes, I can understand why your father would be as well). I have a toddler, and it's not my idea of a fun weekend to have to run around after him what is supposedly a relaxing weekend with family, worried about whether or not people will be tutting over him dumping out a puzzle on the floor. (If this was an adult-sized puzzle, btw, it should just be packed away for everyone's sanity, surely?) Thankfully, both sets of grandparents are thrilled to see him and he only gets overactive in short bursts.

It will change the dynamic, having one of the families staying at a different house. It could be for the best, at least during these toddler years.

camgirl · 01/12/2012 14:04

A very sensible solution on your brother's part.

We do the same when visiting inlaws - it makes for a happier, less stressful visit all round.

diddl · 01/12/2012 14:04

Not really sure why brother needs to say anything other than "we´ll be in a hotel it´s easier".

My Dad is happy for me to stay, but doesn´t want the 4 of us there atm-& my 2 are teenagers-& husband & I do the cooking.

But he´s just used to his own space/routine now after many years alone.

OrangeLily · 01/12/2012 14:25

I wouldn't be upset. He is obviously still going to be there to see everyone.

If I was him I would stay in a hotel too. Holiday time is important and I wouldn't want to stay in a cold house, with hot water issues on lumpy beds with crappy towels whilst being intensely surrounded by family.

Hmm

If it makes him happy and you'll still see them why does it matter?

Proudnscaryvirginmary · 01/12/2012 14:31

YABU

Your brother is an adult and can make his own decisions - he also has a separate relationship with your father than you have with your father.

It sounds eminently sensible - generous/thoughtful even - to stay in a nearby hotel.

But you are obviously a nice person who wants the family to remain close now that your mum is not around to hold it all together (?).

It won't split up your family, honestly.