To be upset by my brother's plan to stay in a hotel? (Long, sorry.)

[gail734]

Myself and my two brothers live about as far apart as possible. Well, DB1 and I both live in the north of Scotland, DB2 lives in London. When we all, rarely, get together, it's when we all congregate at dad's house, in another, central city. These occasions are really important to me because I really love my dad and my brothers and we all get on really well. We're all in long term relationships, partners all get on ok, and we have seven children between us, all under ten. So you can imagine that Grandpa's house gets pretty chaotic when we all get together. This is the issue: (at last!)
My mum died seven years ago, and sadly she only got to see two of these grandchildren. Since she died, my dad, who is in his late sixties, has allowed their beautiful and quite large house to become a bit of a cluttered mess. No way is it dirty, he is just free to collect stuff in a way that my mum would not have allowed. During our last visit, DB2 complained (to me) that the house was cold, there wasn't enough hot water for all of us, the beds are lumpy (same ol' lumpy beds we all grew up with!) the towels are ancient, and there was tension between DB2 and dad re "free range" children rampaging around making a mess. DB2's children (18 months and 3 years) are particularly energetic treasures who are always encouraged to express themselves. Fully. The older one kept expressing herself by emptying out a huge jigsaw onto the floor, then running off and leaving it, which was driving my dad up the wall. He's never been the most patient man when it comes to children, but he didn't lose his temper - he just looked stressed. At the end of the weekend, DB2 said, "Next time we come up here we're staying in a hotel." That was a week ago and it's been on my mind ever since. He didn't elaborate and didn't say it to my dad, but I'm worried about it. My dad, although stern, is a sweet and sensitive man who loves his time with his grandchildren and I think he would be hurt by this. Since my mum died, these rare family occasions are something I really look forward to. If he did stay in a hotel, would this be the beginning of the end for our family? AIBU to worry?

YABU and making a sensible solution into a big deal.

OP-why do you think it would be the beginning of the end of your family?

Why does it bother you so much?

Yes but will your DB actually go through with it when he finds out how much hotel will cost, think about logistics of getting from hotel to your Dad's and back will small children, missing out on boozy evenings once DCs in bed etc I wonder?

If your mum were still here the problem might still have arisen. What we put up with for years can lose its charm. Sometimes we kick against it sometimes it's our partners who aren't as tolerant and we see it with fresh eyes. Your dad as a widower is free to live as he chooses and any visitor should respect that. 'Family aren't visitors' goes up the cry but as adults we know when hospitality is pushed to the limits.

With young DCs and any niggles about comforts I think your DBro has decided to stay in a hotel to keep the peace not rupture family closeness.

Btw if the house suits your father, great, but as lovely as it is to picture Dad in the familiar homestead, don't be shocked or appalled if he decides to downsize to a warmer, easier to maintain place, room for his stuff but cheaper to run.

Maybe your dad would like to downsize to something smaller, more manageable and warmer but thinks he needs his big house for when you all visit. Maybe you should all stay in hotels.

Thanks everyone - your sensible comments have made me calm down about this non-issue. I feel that the hotel idea may not be something that DB would actually follow through on, but I'm going to address some things myself. Before our next visit (christmas eve onwards) I'm going to bite the bullet and discuss the lumpy mattresses with my dad. He's not a skint pensioner, he can replace the worst ones. Diddl: There's nothing wrong with the heating, the fact is that it is quite a big house and my dad basically lives in two rooms, so he heats those two! Same goes for the hot water - the timer just needs to be adjusted. YuleBritannia: The house isn't really child-friendly and has taken on a slightly shrine-like feel since my mum died, but the towels are awful - like rough little boards! Think I will suggest that visitors should bring their own in future! DontmindifIdo - You've hit the nail on the head: I'm just sad that a house in which we had such a happy childhood isn't really suitable for us any more. Staying in a hotel seems impersonal to me, but I can see how people who have their own space (and their own bathroom!) would be less stressed.

But not many of us were brought up in homes big enough to stay in as adults with our siblings, partners & children, were we?

My Dad has a three bedrooms-he´s in one.

I have one sibling.

So if we all visited, that´s me & my family (2 adults 2 teens) sharing a bedroom & sibling & their family (3 adults) sharing a bedroom!

Oh, and of course Donkeys and Begonia, the house is not suitable for a man on his own. I'd love to see him downsize and move into a sweet little bungalow. Then we'd all have to stay in a hotel! But he is not the kind of person who takes kindly to being told what to do, and has declared that his sentimental attachment to the family home is so great that he'll never leave it. I hope he'll change his mind eventually.

gail734 , turn this question on its head. My (lovely) PiLs came to Christmas with us for 17 years. For the last eight years they stayed in a local hotel. It was perfect. They loved being in the middle of a family Christmas but found the whole thing exhausting and loved being able to retire to the serenity of a hotel. We could offer them an en-suite room at home but it somehow felt anti-social (to them) to disappear in the same house as the festivities.

And your Dad sounds great.

people need personal space in differing degrees.if i were one of your siblings, i'd be much more comfortable staying in an hotel than house-sharing with my huge family whom i rarely see.

Definitely, Twitchy. I was already thinking that I'd "suggest" in a slightly more insistent manner than usual that visitors turn up this Christmas with slightly more than the festive bottle of sherry. We, er, tend to eat his food and drink his drink, too. Sorry, I know we sound like charmers.

Staying in a hotel sound great, he can get to spend time with his son and gc and be at peacevt night. Same with your db