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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think DP is being a big arse?

30 replies

ellargh · 29/11/2012 17:35

DP has been out at work today and when I came home from picking DD up he was at home on the laptop. I came out and had a cigarette by the back door then asked how his day went etc.

He asked me to take the fish pie out of the oven. I have fibromyalgia and am having a really bad day to the point where my legs feel like they will give out from under me. He knows this. I try anyway but my wrist gave way and some of the fish pie got smooshed into the oven door.

Apparently he can't serve that now and I'm a waste of space so why don't I just fuck off back to the living room and do nothing instead of doing nothing in the kitchen. He said I'm useless as I can't even pick a tray up. When I challenged him and told him I'm not in control of the illness and he has no right to speak to anyone that way let alone his fiance he just reiterated that I can obviously do nothing.

Now I feel worse and he's asking why every time I reply its in a depressive fed up way. Confused

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 29/11/2012 17:37

Why did you take the pie out? How would he have reacted if you didn't do it?

Is he usually such a bully?

Xroads · 29/11/2012 17:37

Leave the bastard.

Has he had a bad day and he's taking it out on you? YANBU.

wonderstuff · 29/11/2012 17:39

Obv. YANBU. Is he normally like this?

MrsBW · 29/11/2012 17:42

Why are you still with this total tool??

MadameCreeper · 29/11/2012 17:43

Kick him the balls, ask him to go into the kitchen to get you a glass of wine, they calling him a slow, useless arse when he can't get up and walk quick enough.

ellargh · 29/11/2012 17:43

Because I wanted to help and it was such a light tray with just a small pie in a foil container I didn't think it would be much of a problem. Obviously I was wrong.

No he's not usually a bully. In arguments we've both said unkind things and he resents my fibro a lot but I never felt we had an emotionally abusive relationship before.

I was thinking that about the bad day but when he told me about it it seemed fine. He was lining up a few days work in January for some extra cash as his temporary job finishes then and he didn't say about anything else.

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MadameCreeper · 29/11/2012 17:44

Then call him ..... Autocorrect strikes again.

FiercePanda · 29/11/2012 17:45

He is a bully. A decent fiance wouldn't resent their partner's illness, and -shock horror- would be able to retrieve a pie from the oven himself.

ellargh · 29/11/2012 17:48

I'm very upset right now and he's just come over to console me. I asked for an apology but he said no because he shouldn't have to apologise for the truth. I told him the truth was that I had an illness I can't control and he is a twat.

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ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 29/11/2012 17:49

He resents your illness? Hmm

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 29/11/2012 17:49

x post
I am really glad you said what you did to him.

FiercePanda · 29/11/2012 17:52

I asked for an apology but he said no because he shouldn't have to apologise for the truth.

He's a real charmer, isn't he? Hmm You know the day he comes down with a chronic, debilitating illness he'll take to his bed and DEMAND you to be his nursemaid/skivvy/PA, don't you? Who cares if his beloved fishy dinner is a bit smooshed on the edge?! It's still edible! It reminds me of my brother, when he was a toddler he'd refuse to eat broken biscuits because they were broken, so he got none.

I live with chronic pain and my fiancé goes out of his way to make things easier for me (eg covering the school runs, sorting dinner getting a takeaway if I can't stand up, general housework). He doesn't do this because he's some kind of saint, he does it because he's a normal human being who hates seeing someone he loves in pain.

Whoknowswhocares · 29/11/2012 17:54

I would have gone further...... You have an illness over which you have no control and he is a twat. An optional twat. You may decide to save yourself from one of the two problems by getting shot of him if his attitude does not improve.

KeatsiePie · 29/11/2012 17:55

I'm sorry, he thinks the truth is that you're a useless waste of space? That's really unacceptably mean.

Honestly, I think it is normal to sometimes resent a partner's illness, but it's important to try to keep that separate, to not resent the actual partner for something s/he can't help. E.g., I do sometimes resent my husband's depression. I only resent HIM when I feel that he is not doing what he should to address it.

Perhaps he needs someone to talk to about how your illness is hard for him, both in practical terms and b/c it makes him worry about you (I hope, unless he is a complete asshole), so that he has a way to deal with his feelings besides treating you badly.

MadameCreeper · 29/11/2012 17:56

Great, he's told you that you're a waste of space and useless but there's no need to say sorry it as its the truth Shock

ellargh · 29/11/2012 17:59

I'm making it out to be huge but he really does a lot for me. He does both school runs when he's home, cooks most of the week, brings me blankets when I'm cold, checks that I've taken my medication when I've forgotten, helps me in and out of the bath if needed, cleans etc.

When I say resents I mean he wishes I didn't have it because it means he does a lot more than he really should have to. Hard but reality. Outbursts of his dislike are not uncommon but this really upset me. I understand its hard on him too having to see me in pain, waking him up by my tossing and turning and constant moans. I try not to complain a lot but he bears the brunt of it.

He went to counselling about it which really helped and he's been a lot better but this really hurt me. It was like one big outburst with everything he wanted to say but has held back.

I'm just angry that it wasn't my fault and I'm being made to feel like I could have prevented it.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 29/11/2012 18:01

Its as Keatsie says, its OK for him to be pissed off at your illness at times but that doesn't make it OK for him to be pissed off at you for being ill. You didn't choose to get ill nor are you doing it to inconvenience him.

ellargh · 29/11/2012 18:01

He's said to me that he doesn't think I'm doing enough to help myself. I keep trying new things but nothing has helped. He keeps saying "Just do it" like I'm a pair of damn Nikes.

Need to sleep in in the morning because I'm in too much pain to move? Just do it etc.

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Icelollycraving · 29/11/2012 18:06

He is a twat. Poor you :(

CajaDeLaMemoria · 29/11/2012 18:07

It is huge.

Okay, so he does a lot of other things for you, but so does the partner of the woman above, and my OH (I have fibro too).

It is hard. It means he has to do more, and it probably puts pressure on him. But he can't behave like this. I'm not sure what the counselling was for, but that would be a warning sign for me...it sounds like the counselling had the short term effect of making him bottle up how he feels, and now it has all come out.

He needs to apologise, and truly mean it. That was a nasty thing to say, and upsetting you when you are in a fibro flare is a horrible thing to do. You are suffering enough, he shouldn't be making that worse. Perhaps reading up on fibro might help too?

But don't feel that because he does things that excuses things. My OH does everything. I can't drive, I have long periods when I can't cook, he makes the bed, brings me medication, gets me drinks, calls me from work when he's there, checks that I'm warm at night, washes my hair, runs the bath, gets me in and out, deals with social services, cleans the house, looks after the pets, goes on chocolate/magazine/biscuit runs...

Men will. Good men will understand that there is nothing you can do, that you are suffering, and want to make that better. He could resent the illness, but not you, and he should never take it out on you. You do all you can.

I dropped the hotpot OH made yesterday. He'd been making it all day. I had a leg spasm and kicked his wine over, he told me he'd sort it, I wanted to make it up to him so tried to replace it and serve tea at the same time - and dropped the whole thing. Ruined. I'm sure he hated me at that second, but he didn't shout. And if he'd said anything half as mean as what your OH said, he'd be gone.

Whatever you decide to do about him, look after yourself. These bad periods suck, and I swear the cold weather doesn't help.

Simpkins · 29/11/2012 18:08

Not an emotionally abusive relationship? Op i think you may want to reconsider that.

I know it's only from my point of view and that is very easy to judge without knowing the full picture.. But- I have been there and just accepted that my husband was right when he said unkind things. Took a while to realise that it's NOT WHAT NICE MEN DO

KeatsiePie · 29/11/2012 18:08

Btw YANBU. Good that he's been to counseling but sounds like he needs a bit more! I mean sure he wishes you didn't have it. I bet you do too.

If he doesn't think you're doing enough then he ought to sit down and say so nicely so you can discuss. Unfortunately looks like you will be the one to have to say "You want to sit down and talk about how I'm/we're dealing with this?" as he is clearly too busy nurturing a martyr complex to do that.

ellargh · 29/11/2012 18:09

He just apologised. He said he will make it up to me tonight and start by making me dinner.

As much as I accept his apology and I am glad he has done it, it still hurts that he thinks these things. I'm not a waste of space. All day I've done two school runs, light cleaning, breakfast, dinner, washing, got the parcels and tonight I was going to take more Tramadol and wrap a few small gifts.

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CajaDeLaMemoria · 29/11/2012 18:12

Ellargh - I'm glad he's apologised. That doesn't make it right...he's hurt you, and stressed you out, and you didn't need that. But at least he can see that he reacted badly.

You've done a lot more than me today. A lot. And I had to call OH back from work to help me out of bed at 10am Blush. If you feel okay to wrap presents, do it. But you are not useless, and you are not a waste of space. He is a wanker. That is a terrible way to behave, and he'll need to make it up to you - not by making dinner, or by being romantic, or by being on his best behaviour, but by showing you that he doesn't think you are a waste of space, and understands that you are very limited in what you can do.

Have you shown him the spoon theory? My OH didn't find that helpful but I know plenty of people swear by it for explaining the fibro limitations to others.

Look after yourself.

ellargh · 29/11/2012 18:15

He was in counselling for outbursts like this and general behaviour that's unacceptable (what could be classed as emotionally abusive behaviour). No, he's not a changed man but the fact that he accepted he needed help and sought it out meant a lot to me. It's a long road but we were getting there.

Thinking about it he IS emotionally abusive. I'm not naive to it now though which is something.

He hasn't been to counselling in a month due to financial issues. I will insist we will go without something and he goes back. This didn't happen the months he was in counselling Hmm

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