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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wedding presents...

32 replies

calypso2008 · 29/11/2012 09:39

AIBU to not buy a wedding present? The invite says clearly it is not expected, I am spending a small fortune flying to the wedding/hotels at both venue and airport etc... the couple getting married have everything already, I don't fancy spending 60 pounds on a John Lewis sheet.

Or, am I just being mean?

People who travelled to my wedding I said do not buy a present and I really meant it - and they didn't... the groom getting married soon was one of those guests. For me it was enough they spent the time and money getting to my wedding...

AIBU?

OP posts:
2blessed2bstressed · 29/11/2012 09:41

If the invite says not to...and the groom respected your wishes re no presents at your wedding then of course YANBU!
Go and enjoy yourself

FredFredGeorge · 29/11/2012 09:42

Of course YANBU.

ethelb · 29/11/2012 09:42

If I get married I would like to put a note like this on invites so people didn't buy stuff if they didn't want to.

If you are having to travel that far it may be a given that the bride and groom aren't expecting anything.

AmberSocks · 29/11/2012 09:43

if im being really honest,a few people came to my wedding and didnt buy me a present and a couple didnt even buy a card,i didnt really mind as it was more important that they came,but i wouldnt do it!

sue52 · 29/11/2012 09:45

I would assume they mean what they say on the invite, so no present.

Original poster
calypso2008 · 29/11/2012 09:49

Oh, there is a wedding list, (mainly John Lewis vouchers - which annoys me anyway but that is another story) but it says 'a present is by no means expected'

So it is half and half really. I don't know if they really mean it. I DID mean it - but do they?

I feel bad to be honest.
Thanks so much for your replies. More people are saying it is ok than I thought would! It's just, so near to Christmas, I am spending around 500 pounds just getting there.

OP posts:
Original poster
calypso2008 · 29/11/2012 09:52

Plus, it is a more traditional and far posher wedding than mine, which was a city lunch do.
This is the full works and hundreds of people.

I don't know if that makes a difference. Mine was a relaxed and un-traditional wedding in that respect.

OP posts:
sue52 · 29/11/2012 10:00

Oh, if there is a list then I would choose something from it. How much I spend would depend on how much I've spent and how much effort getting to the wedding (travel, hotel, ridiculous demands that guests wear certain colour clothing ).

WinterWinds · 29/11/2012 10:01

I was about to ask, if the invite said no presents were expected then why were you considering buying something.
But now that i have read your following post about the JL wedding list i understand why you asked!!

TBH if it is costing you £500 already i wouldn't bother with a present. It doesn't matter if they dont genuinely mean it. They have stated it on the invite, so dont feel bad.

Original poster
calypso2008 · 29/11/2012 10:02

Yes I am worried Sue as I am now remembering that people travelling from abroad to my wedding I didn't even put a wedding list - I left it out and told them why.

I have a wedding list with this invitation (although it says 'we do not expect a present')

Think I am going to feel too mean.

OP posts:
Original poster
calypso2008 · 29/11/2012 10:05

Thanks winterwinds they are very wealthy and have two houses in London - I am struggling a bit at the moment and don't want to give them JL vouchers - which is basically money.

Still - it doesn't sit well with me.

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 29/11/2012 10:06

I'm sure they do mean it, they wouldn't write it otherwise.

Personally, I couldn't go to a wedding without a present, it would feel rude. I'd take champagne or some nice little keepsake type thing just to be polite.

Saying that, we said on our wedding invitation that we didn't expect gifts, and we did mean it. I'd have been a bit gutted to think that people didn't believe us! Two people didn't bring gifts and that was absolutely fine. One of them was out of work at the time and it genuinely meant a lot that he even came, as we know it costs money to attend a wedding, and the other is the sort of guy that it wouldn't even occur to to buy a wedding present. But he gave us a lovely card and we both knew how happy he was for us, which means far more than any present.

Original poster
calypso2008 · 29/11/2012 10:06

Sorry - didn't explain properly about the JL gift list. Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
calypso2008 · 29/11/2012 10:08

I would be happy to take small something along - but it is simply not that sort of wedding - it is gift list or nothing.

OP posts:
specialsubject · 29/11/2012 10:08

sounds fine to me - they've actually said 'no presents' and you are spending a lot to be there, which is your gift to them.

no problem at all. Send a posh card if you'd like them to have a keepsake - in fact I think these are nice to have anyway!

Original poster
calypso2008 · 29/11/2012 10:10

That's lovely of you Outraged I can tell you did mean it! (As did I)

Thing is, these days, people get married later, already have children, house(s) etc - as I did. I didn't need a kettle or a sheet.

OP posts:
Original poster
calypso2008 · 29/11/2012 10:12

Thanks specialsubject Smile
Just don't want to be the only one who hasn't got anything - I am the only one travelling from abroad though. Everyone else lives in London or home counties!

OP posts:
Noren · 29/11/2012 10:14

We wanted no presents but family made us have a list - we did our best to only give out this list on request though. Perhaps they'd felt people would get them stuff despite asking not and they wanted to make sure they didn't get something they didn't want. Doesn't mean they want anything. I would get them a card and take them at their word.

TwitchyTail · 29/11/2012 10:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 29/11/2012 10:17

I'm sure they won't think badly of you for not giving a gift, especially if you are travelling from abroad. If they know you are happy for them and supportive of their marriage, they will be delighted to have that. I'm sure you can think back to your own wedding and remember how special it felt to have so many people supporting you and happy for you. It's priceless.

TwitchyTail · 29/11/2012 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lurkedtoolong · 29/11/2012 10:20

We had a list but only because people kept asking for it, we certainly didn't expect anything from it. I would certainly take a bottle of champagne though. Always appreciated.

Original poster
calypso2008 · 29/11/2012 10:22

Thanks Twitchy, Noren and Outraged

Good point about the vouchers - I hadn't thought of that. Smile

Genuinely, thanks so much for all your advice. It has really helped. I thought everyone would say I was BU.

OP posts:
Original poster
calypso2008 · 29/11/2012 10:25

My husband doesn't drink Hmm but if I were to have had my rathers, I have always fancied having a 'wine wedding list' - a bottle of wine/champagne is so doable and more personal as you think of the person when you drink it!

Champagne is a great idea lurked - it's just that there will be gallons of the stuff there already.

OP posts:
teacher123 · 29/11/2012 10:25

I can't even remember who did or didn't buy us presents, I am amazed that people remember that kind of thing! I wrote thank you letters for all ours, but years later it hasn't occurred to me to worry about who did what. In your situation I would take a lovely card and a bottle of fizz. (There are lots of half price offers at the moment being so close to Christmas!)