AIBU re friend and her unwell DS?

[Suntime]

Am seeking some advice about a friend. We have known each other for three years since our children were babies. She has one DS age 3, I have two DS age 6 months and 3 years.

I meet up with this friend every week as part of a mums group (there are 7 mums with DC who meet). The group of us usually meet at a park or one of our houses depending on the weather.

If either of my DS are ill I text the other mums and miss that week. We all do the same with the exception of this one mum who always brings her son along even if he is very ill.

I understand you cannot keep your child at home every time they have a cold but she brings him along when he is very ill and contagious. She rarely tells the other mums her son is ill. It is something she seems to feel is ok to tell me. Some of the other mums have noticed her bringing him along ill and have mentioned to me they are concerned too.

In the last year he has come to the group with hand, foot and mouth disease, headlice, giardia, flu and on numerous occasions with diarrhea. He is often visibly ill and distressed.

She encourages him to hand food around to the other children and share his toys. She doesn't seem to take any steps to try and keep his germs away. She also encourages him to interact with the babies knowing full well he is ill. For example, suggesting her DS give my 6 month old DS a cuddle knowing her son is ill with diarrhea.

Apart from feeling bad for her DS being taken out when visibly ill I am really fed up with her lack of consideration towards the other kids. Two of the other mums in our group are pregnant at the moment.

She is a very overly sensitive person and will fly off the handle if anyone ever says anything remotely negative to her. She has accused us in the past of her son not being as included or liked as much as the other children which is absolutely not true.

I feel like if I say something she will get really angry. I really don't want to fall out with this friend but am really fed up with her refusal to protect the other kids from illness.

Am I being overly precious? Is this just part of having kids?

So AIBU and if so is there anything I can do or say?

Tbh doesn't as though any form of critism will go down well. Does she lack self confidence? Sounds like she doesn't want to miss out for some reason. Why haven't any of you said something at the time?

Am not sure about the self confidence. She is pretty assertive. She hates her DS to miss out on things and is very over protective of him. I and one of the other girls have raised our concerns at the time about his illness and she seems to think its not a big deal. As if its just a minor thing.

I would say she is being unreasonable. I think minor things like colds can be accepted but the list of things you gave there would be unacceptable to me. It sounds like she doesnt want to miss out on anything so this is why she comes regardless.

Are any of your group willing to talk to her about this?

It may mean falling out with her if she is over sensitive but this would be up to her.

Dh's SIL is like this. She would rather take her sick child out than stay in the house.

Completely unfair on the child because mum needs out of the house.

Well, what if she gets angry? What will happen?

It's ok if she gets angry

You'll tell her it is unacceptable for her to not consider others and to knowingly expose them to nasty bugs and more so to drag her child out when he is very ill.

She'll do what? Be angry? Storm off? Yell?

and?...

Sky won't fall in

Sometimes people need to be challenged on their behaviour. They won't always like it, but that's no reason to not do it.

She isn't acting in the best interests of her child by dragging him out if he is really ill and she isn't showing that she gives a damn about your children by knowingly exposing them to nasty d&v bugs, hand foot and mouth and the like.

That's not a case of the snuffles! She shouldn't be doing it.

Could you bring it up in a non personal way to her but the rest of you will know who you are referring to. So at the next gathering one of you say something along the lines of:

' in the past ladies we have been known to still come a long when our children are not altogether well, with the sickness bug and flu going round like wildfire at the moment, I really think we should not attend at the first sniff of anything just so we can be sure not to pass things onto each other. Is that ok with everyone, does everyone agree we need to tighten up on this a bit?'

Then hopefully you'll get a nod from this lady too as it is approached as a group thing rather than singling her out.

But YADNBU!!

I agree with Hectate too though, so what if she get cross, it's your kids health at stake here!

Another one here to say that someone needs to tell her she is being irresponsible and thoughtless.

If she throws a strop, so be it.

YANBU, she is being completely selfish. I would tell her tbh, this happened to me when dd was a baby. My friend threw a party for her ds and invited me, she failed to tell me tat the whole family had d&v a couple of dys before. Sh told me as we were at the party and I felt rude to go. Le and behold a few dys later dd came dwn with it very bad and lost a lot of weight

Hyper good idea, that way it's non confrontational

Cold are ok but hand foot and mouth disease, flu and d&v can be very bad in young children and babies, so irresponsible. If her ds has something nasty and he is at the meet, and we encourages contact I would blatantly say something, like no thank you I don't want my dd to get that and remove him from her ds reach

I would definitely tell her. She is being really inconsiderate of others. Just reading about this makes me mad.

I disagree with Hyper's suggestion. If she is over sensitive an approach like this is going to be obviously about her anyway and would come across as passive aggressive.
Honesty is always the best policy. Next time she does it say 'friend', I'm afraid your ds is too poorly to mix with other children right now, it's not fair on them or him'. It doesn't have to be personal, it is a normal thing to say in those circumstances.

Do you text her when yours are ill to say you're not going? As in 'we're not coming today dc has diarrhoea' - if everyone did that to her when their dc's were ill would she take the hint herself or still feel she should go to group. Would a conversation, totally unrelated to her of course if others have school aged children about 'those inconsiderate parents who sent their precious dc to school and have passed it on to the class' provide some sort of not so subtle hint?

Either that or the only thing to do may be when she texts you to say dc is ill, is to advise her the group will be cancelled as none of you want your dc's to catch it.

Those are really nasty bugs not just simple colds. I agree with Staines she needs to be told personally as she is the only one doing it.
I have a friend like this she has done it for years and her child is 7 now. Still sending her to parties with fevers and after shes thrown up. It's crazy.

I had this with my NCT group. Halfway through one morning, one mum piped up with "Oh, x has got D&V, he was sick this morning". Everyone went silent, then carried on.

We all got it. Even the adults. We were due to go away that weekend and clearly weren't able to. It was our only chance for a holiday that year and it was scuppered by this woman's selfishness. I was fuming. Naturally, I never said anything, but I never saw her again. Nearly 4 years later, I can feel the red mist...

I know a SAHM who always sent her kid to school when he was ill, because she was 'busy' (probs nails and threading). One morning he threw up over another child and the teacher and let slip he was throwing up through the night, too. I complained directly to the mother and she said it wasn't true. She didn't know what to say when I suggested either she or her DS was lying.

How about this; if she turns up with a very ill child, each of you in turn say something like 'can't take the risk so I'll leave'. If you all do it she'll be sat on her own. If it was my house and I was hosting, I would have no trouble asking her to take him home. Apart from my DS bring immunosupressed and at risk, it's bloody cruel to do that to a kid when they should be snuggled down on the sofa with pillow and duvet, big drink and telly on quietly.

A young child with D&V can become very ill very quickly because of lack of fluids - it's hard to get fluids into a dehydrated child as their veins disappear so quickly.

Thank you for your responses. It is good to know I'm not being overly precious about this. I think you are right in saying her responses to criticism allow her to be a complete nightmare. We all tiptoe round her trying to not upset her but its to the detriment of everyone else. I think that next time she tells me he is very ill I will have to say something. Trouble is I hate confrontation. Assertiveness is not my strong point so will need to work out what I will say!!

We had a friend like this too. I once walked out of a coffee morning/play date when DS2 was 6 weeks old, because she announced that her youngest had a tummy bug all night and then threw up everywhere.

I think you'll probably stop meeting with her eventually. If she is selfish about this, she is probably selfish in other ways too.

She is a very overly sensitive person and will fly off the handle if anyone ever says anything remotely negative to her.

Translate as a selfish cow who likes to manipulate people around her into shutting up and putting up by throwing a tantrum when she's challenged on bad behaviour.

I think you should say something. Let her throw a tantrum and storm off. Do not back down then or contact her later, leave her to approach you and make it clear that what she is doing is unacceptable and unfair to both her DS and the rest of you, especially your (group your) children.

I'm at the seriousness of the illnesses her child has had this year. Flu and giardiasis are extremely serious - I was ill for 3 years after giardiasis. You need to say something to her and probably try to end the relationship before things get much worse.

She clearly needs proper help as she is not taking proper care of her child if his health is so poor.

Suntime this woman is going to be arsey with whoever has the guts to say something.

Just imagine as we get closer to Christmas and your child or you come down with something more nasty than a cough or cold, you'll be livid with her if her ds infects your kids and others.

Next time you suspect he's harbouring germs and looks ill [ poor lad ] just say:

I'm sorry friend but I'm not risking the ds's picking up a bug, sorry if you're going to be offended but it'd really not on that you have brought him out when he's clearly ill.

Or words to that effect

Face it, she's going to be stroppy however diplomatic you are!

Diplomacy doesn't work with some people, they're too hard faced.

Bite the bullet, you or one of your other circle will feel better actually saying what you're all thinking

We had a group like this, and if anyone was had an ill DC, we texted round all participants (later set up a facebook group) saying "my DC has x,y,z. Any objections to us coming". Obviously D&V wasn't an option for attending, but it warned people about bad colds.