AIBU re friend and her unwell DS?

[Suntime]

Am seeking some advice about a friend. We have known each other for three years since our children were babies. She has one DS age 3, I have two DS age 6 months and 3 years.

I meet up with this friend every week as part of a mums group (there are 7 mums with DC who meet). The group of us usually meet at a park or one of our houses depending on the weather.

If either of my DS are ill I text the other mums and miss that week. We all do the same with the exception of this one mum who always brings her son along even if he is very ill.

I understand you cannot keep your child at home every time they have a cold but she brings him along when he is very ill and contagious. She rarely tells the other mums her son is ill. It is something she seems to feel is ok to tell me. Some of the other mums have noticed her bringing him along ill and have mentioned to me they are concerned too.

In the last year he has come to the group with hand, foot and mouth disease, headlice, giardia, flu and on numerous occasions with diarrhea. He is often visibly ill and distressed.

She encourages him to hand food around to the other children and share his toys. She doesn't seem to take any steps to try and keep his germs away. She also encourages him to interact with the babies knowing full well he is ill. For example, suggesting her DS give my 6 month old DS a cuddle knowing her son is ill with diarrhea.

Apart from feeling bad for her DS being taken out when visibly ill I am really fed up with her lack of consideration towards the other kids. Two of the other mums in our group are pregnant at the moment.

She is a very overly sensitive person and will fly off the handle if anyone ever says anything remotely negative to her. She has accused us in the past of her son not being as included or liked as much as the other children which is absolutely not true.

I feel like if I say something she will get really angry. I really don't want to fall out with this friend but am really fed up with her refusal to protect the other kids from illness.

Am I being overly precious? Is this just part of having kids?

So AIBU and if so is there anything I can do or say?

You should definitely say something to her directly. It's incredibly selfish - as others have said these are nasty bugs. In my group some of the mums even offer to stay at home when their toddler has a cold...

Oh, I'd confront this woman. Some children who have underlying conditions can become very ill from d&v.

Let us know how it goes.
No need to feel shit about it afterwards - we can help you feel better about saying something.

There was one of these types in my baby group, seemed like her dc was always ill and you'd never know until she turned up with the worlds snottiest baby or she told you he'd been chucking up all night. She once spread d&v around the entire group, babies were all about 6 mos old, all adults had it, was horrible.

Luckily she moved and we gradually stopped seeing her so much. I just don't understand why someone would think that other people are ok with getting d&v.

YANBU it really winds me up. I had a family member who would visit and then say casually 'oh he has croup/flu/diarreah'. I know people who have dropped ill kids off at preschool as they 'needed a break' even though it would infect all the other kids potentially. Pure selfishness. I think some of these people believe they are doing nothing wrong. I would say something as it is a horrible and selfish thing to do. Just say can we all agree not to bring children if they are ill, other than colds. Otherwise children and mums will catch bugs which isn't fair. If she doesn't get the message drop her from the group. It's not worth it for your children's health-they could get soemthing serious.

"I think that next time she tells me he is very ill I will have to say something. Trouble is I hate confrontation. Assertiveness is not my strong point so will need to work out what I will say!!"
And that is what she is relying upon, for everyone else to not want to confront her.

This sort of thing can be made easier by it not just being you. So, she turns up with obviously ropey DS in tow; you (or the host, if you are meeting at someone's house) enquire as to her DS's health and she responds with some blasé comment. You respond with something along the lines of "And you thought it was OK to spread that infection/virus to everyone else's child, did you?" She gets snitty to try and make you back down. AT THAT POINT, one, or preferably more, of the other mothers backs you up and faces her down.

It is much harder to manipulate several people at the same time, so she may well blow a gasket at that point and (hopefully) storm off in a huff. Or she may go for the woe-is-me-I-thought-the-company-would-do-him-good. You each respond that he would be better off tucked up at home, and that she should consider the other children too, it is inconsiderate of her to risk making them ill. If you can remember specific instances when this has happened, now is a good time to throw that in to the conversation. ("Oh come on, remember when he had xx, and you were encouraging him hand the food around and A, B and C came down with xx within days? A, B and C wouldn't have got xx if you had thought about it for two seconds before leaving the house that day. And stayed in!")

You may feel, by working together in this way (and obviously you will have to discuss and agree this plan of attack with the others beforehand) that you are bullying her, but try to remember that as things stand, she is bullying all of you into allowing your children to be made ill by her selfishness.

And as others have said, if she gets angry, so what? TBH if she buggered off forever you all might find you were perfectly happy with that state of affairs.