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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask exP for proof his eyesight is good enough to drive DDs 400miles?

26 replies

Twitterqueen · 28/11/2012 16:36

ExP has been in poor health for some time and a consequence of this is deteriorating eyesight.

The DDS have told me that he has told them his eyes are getting worse.

A few months ago he wrote off his car.

He now wants to drive them around 400miles to visit his relations at Xmas.

I am happy for them to visit the relatives and to be with him, but I have requested proof from an optician that he is safe to drive. He of course, is calling me everything bad under the sun and threatening legal action. AIBU?

OP posts:
bradywasmyfavouriteking · 28/11/2012 16:44

Well his doctor/ optician would have had his license removed if his eyesight was that bad. Worse is not bad.

Also do you let him drive them short distances? How would you feel about being asked to produce medicals records that you were healthy enough to do certain things?

CajaDeLaMemoria · 28/11/2012 16:48

That's not necessarily true, Brady.

The optician/doctor can recommend that he stop driving, and even tell him that he has to stop driving, but he has to tell the DVLA. It is likely that the DVLA will find out eventually from his doctors but this is by no means definite, or quick.

It would just mean that had he been told not to drive and continued, and then caused an accident, it would be recorded that he had been told his eyesight had deteriorated but he had not told the DVLA, and that can have all sorts of legal and insurance implications.

OP, is his condition one which he has to tell the DVLA about?

I wouldn't let them go if I wasn't sure that his eyesight was up to scratch. If your children have mentioned it they must have noticed that it's not great. I can almost understand his reaction though, especially if he is concerned about his sight - having an eyetest (in order to show you the results) may mean he is told he can't drive anymore, or has to face up to the fact that he won't be able to drive soon, and losing your license to a health problem is really difficult. Really, really difficult.

That doesn't excuse him though and he can't put your daughters lives at risk, so he does need to find a way to transport them safely, such as taking them on the train or getting someone else to drive.

Original poster
Twitterqueen · 28/11/2012 16:49

Brady, it's not a question of being 'healthy' enough, it's about whether or not he can actually see other cars etc. I think he his a potential danger to himself, to other drivers, but most of all, to my children.

He doesn't really drive them at all. They walk to his house and walk back, and have been in a car with him probably once in the last 9 months.

Also - since he wouldn't say to a doctor or optician (not that he's been to one for years) that his eyes are bad, or ask for a test voluntarily, why would anyone take his licence away?

OP posts:
Hassled · 28/11/2012 16:51

Stick to your guns. He might be right and you might be wrong, but I wouldn't take the risk. Can you research train options for him so there's at least a Plan B?

Vix07 · 28/11/2012 16:52

Stand your ground. You wouldn't hesitate if you thought he was drink-driving would you? Sounds like you may have hit a nerve - if he thought the optician would simply pass him fit to drive there wouldn't be so much fuss would there?

Original poster
Twitterqueen · 28/11/2012 16:53

Caja - I don't think he has to legally tell the DVLA. And tbh, I probably wouldn't either. Being able to drive is such a huge, huge advantage that I would hate not being able to. Also, since he's physically not fit enough to walk long distances he obviously relies on his car a lot.

I don't mind him risking his own safety - I do object to him risking the DDs.
I have suggested the train/bus. But that would be beneath his dignity..

OP posts:
exexpat · 28/11/2012 16:55

YANBU. If you know who his doctor is, could you alert them to your worries about his eyesight and safety to drive? They won't be able to discuss it with you because of patient confidentiality, but if he has a health condition which means means regular medical appointments, they may be able to check.

I agree he is very unlikely to volunteer the information about deteriorating eyesight himself if he knows that a test may well result in him losing his licence.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 28/11/2012 16:55

If his eyesight is OK then it's a very easy thing to prove. Under the circumstances YANBU.

elfsabout · 28/11/2012 16:55

You need to contact the DVLA if you are concerned about his medical fitness to drive. Really he should have his licence removed if he no longer meets the medical criteria. You have a duty to the public to ensure this is done, it's not enough to just worry about the safety of your own dc - how would you feel if your ex was in an accident which killed another child? You would be partly responsible if you knew of the eye problems but took no action to try to prevent his driving.

Sallyingforth · 28/11/2012 16:55

Well OP all you have to do is point out a car 20 metres away and ask him to read the number plate.
If he can't read it or refuses to try then you say no.
How hard is that?

exexpat · 28/11/2012 16:57

OP - you say you don't mind him risking his own safety, but if he can't see properly he is a huge risk to other road users, so really needs to have his licence removed no matter what the inconvenience to himself, if it means he can't accidentally kill someone else.

bradywasmyfavouriteking · 28/11/2012 17:00

caja dhs grandads doctor had his license removed. It maybe that he just yippee off the dvla. But he did it. So they can.

OP I get you are concerned. But I get his point. You should be able to trust he wouldn't put his kids at risk and saying you don't trust him to could be offensive.

regarding my last post. If youvwere to develops an illness and he felt that because of that something you were doing with his kids was unsafe, would you be happy to give him access to your medical records?

Yanbu to be concerned. But how would you feel if he felt you didn't put the kids saftey first?

Original poster
Twitterqueen · 28/11/2012 17:01

Sallying, we don't talk.
Elfs - I know, you're right.

I appreciate the feedback from everyone.

Much as I totally hate him, for reasons I won't bore you with here, I feel like I'm kicking a man when he's down (he's just been made redundant and if he were to lose his licence he wouldn't get another job, though he probably won't anyway because of his health problems).

But my gut says I'm right. If he were to have an accident and if anyone was hurt - or worse - I would feel like shit for ever... And they wouldn't feel too good either...

OP posts:
bradywasmyfavouriteking · 28/11/2012 17:02

But my gut says I'm right.

If you really think he is a danger, you really should report him. Of he is a risk to your kids, he is a risk to all other people out there.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 28/11/2012 17:06

As others have said - IF he is a potential danger to your kids when driving he is an potential danger to everyone else around him. You have a moral duty to report to the DVLA.

Original poster
Twitterqueen · 28/11/2012 17:14

Caja - he puts himself first, with everything. I know this isn't strictly relevant, but he refused to pay CS until the CSA made him, and he refused to give them Xmas presents last year because they wouldn't see him. He has never put them first, with anything.

He's not a reasonable or a logical person and it wouldn't even cross his mind to think about whether or not he was fit/able/entitled/reasonable to do something.

So yes, I would be extremely upset and angry if anyone were to imply that I would do something that put my children at risk, but it would never occur to him to question his own abilities in anything.

OP posts:
bradywasmyfavouriteking · 28/11/2012 17:17

OP you are right to question him. They are your children. But with that you need to accept he could question you. I get he is a general dick.

I am simply saying I can see his point of view in not being happy. Its a difficult situation.

I would report to the dvla. And it will get dealt with from there.

DeWe · 28/11/2012 17:17

My dgd lost his licence after he hit a parked car because he couldn't see well enough.

Everyone seemed to be conspiring to get it back for him, including the police. Which was scary because he couldn't read a numberplate at 16m.

So dm reported him to DVLA and they refused to reinstate despite the letter from the optician saying they were sure "he'd be fine" Hmm He never found out why he didn't get it back.
It was much more effort for dm to stop it getting back than he went to try and get it back. She kept having to block it form various angles.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 28/11/2012 17:36

He is legally obliged to tell the DVLA as far as I know.

I'm not sure what sort of proof you are expecting him to be able to get though. Ophthalmologists and opticians don't generally write letters for concerned ex wives.

In your position I'd contact the DVLA and report him or ask their advice.

complexnumber · 28/11/2012 17:42

'I totally hate him'
'He's not a reasonable or a logical person'

It's so sad to hear/read parents talk about each other like this.

I was always taught there were two sides to every argument...

PrideOfChanur · 28/11/2012 17:45

What has he got that is causing deteriorating eyesight? Cos there are a whole slew of things that affect older people which aren't fixable by glasses,but not so many if you are younger...he might just need glasses/new glasses - that isn't a reason to have your licence taken away.(though he shouldn't be driving until that is sorted)
If he has a problem affecting his vision in other ways he should tell DVLA,and if he can't read a numberplate he is not legal to drive and his insurance will be invalidated.
Opticians don't "pass people as fit to drive",as the legal standard is reading the numberplate - they will advise on if that is likely to be a problem though.

PinsAndNoodles · 28/11/2012 17:53

Some arguments with exes are just not worth having. My ExH and I bite our lips on at least a weekly basis about what the other one is up to that we don't like/approve of.

This one is. YANBU.

OldernotWiser47 · 28/11/2012 17:53

Report to DVLA- if you tell them you think his eye sight is that bad, they should be taking action.
also, report his deteriorating eye sight to his GP, along with the information that he is driving. His GP is then legally obliged to take action- refer to ophthalmologist, and report to DVLA if outcome bad and he continues to drive.
Not to talk about the fact that, with certain health conditions, eye sight can be improved or at least prevented from getting worse, providing correct treatment is sought, but that is not your problem.
He IS legally obliged to tell DVLA, but only AFTER he had a diagnosis, which is why he won't go and get tested.

I would be concerned, though, that neither GP or DVLA can take action before Xmas, you would need to be quick off the mark now.

exexpat · 28/11/2012 18:28

Complexnumber - there may be two sides to every argument, but most of the time, one of them is wrong.

Catsmamma · 28/11/2012 18:34

what hypocrisy!

he's fine to drive as and when he pleases with his allegedly shoddy eyesight, but not with YOUR precious children

let's hope nothing happens to anyone, but really, what an attitude.

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