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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be slightly relieved - pleased even - that DH has toothache?

32 replies

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 27/11/2012 19:17

DH desperately needs dental work done - fillings, at least one extraction, a thorough cleaning. His teeth are disgusting!

I have begged and pleaded with him to get his teeth seen to, but he refuses to because he is petrified. His excuse is that it will cost "thousands". As far as he is concerned, NHS dentists are butchers so he will not go as an NHS patient - despite me having gone numerous times without having been butchered!

I have even told him I will go with him to the docs to get calming meds and he can go to a specialist NHS dentist who care specifically for people with dentist phobias. He has flatly refused any kind of help.

Today he says he has toothache and that his jaw is swollen. My unspoken thoughts are "Thank FUCK!!" At last his teeth are so bad that he will HAVE to see a dentist.

Yet, after a brief discussion tonight, he says he will not go because it will "cost thousands".

But I bet it will get worse before it gets better so I will just have to wait it out. AIBU or AIB cruel???

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 27/11/2012 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GlaikitFizzog · 27/11/2012 19:21

Oh my god! Does he realise he is risking his health! He'll have an abscess, which is an infection, it could turn into septicaemia and he could die (unlikely but it could happen)

And if he is that bothered get him to go and get them all pulled out. That won't cost thousands.

I personally would refuse to kiss him. Bad teeth are my single most turn off in a man!

Original poster
Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 27/11/2012 19:24

GlaikitFizzog, we don't really kiss much and he would just shrug off any threat I made not to kiss him Sad (np, we don't have a crap marriage - he just has fucking crap teeth!! turns my stomach if truth be told...)

OP posts:
GlaikitFizzog · 27/11/2012 19:32

Hmm, I can understand his fear tbh, before last year I hadn't seen a dentist for over 10 years. But I was uber careful with my teeth, brushing and flossing. So when I eventually plucked up the courage to go all I needed was a good clean, even then the hygienist was shocked when I said I hadn't bee for 10 years. But I guess I'm lucky, my teeth didn't go manky.

Original poster
Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 27/11/2012 19:34

He is terrified. I could give him all the details, (and thanks, Nataschabee!) but he wil use whatever excuse he can.

So maybe I should be asking: How can I help him overcome his fear??

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 27/11/2012 19:35

He hasnt got swelling because of toothache.. he has got toothache and swelling because of an abscess under the tooth. It wont go away without treatment.

I am petrified of dentists, but an extraction is probably the easiest thing to have done nowadays. Over in a couple of minutes.

GlaikitFizzog · 27/11/2012 19:38

Chloroform?
Club round the head then drag him by the feet?

ukatlast · 27/11/2012 19:38

www.dentalfearcentral.org

mum11970 · 27/11/2012 19:39

If it's an abscess he will soon be climbing the walls and will happily go to the dentist to get it sorted, no matter how scared he is. Never felt pain like it when I had one, childbirth was a doddle compared.

StatisticallyChallenged · 27/11/2012 19:39

Ok, I have a massive dental phobia. So I go to an expensive private dentist who specialises in people with phobias and treats my with incredible sensitivity. For me this is worth the extra costs. But that said, nothing I have had done has cost thousands. If you want I can find the price list and tell you how much they charge?

AutumnGlory · 27/11/2012 19:40

Yes it happened to mine, we were in exactly the same situation. He had a very painful treatment bug it is all done and forgotten now. I even took a book from the library about toothache and dd is more careful with her teeth now....

Chesntoots · 27/11/2012 19:47

I used to be terrified of the dentist. Believe me when I tell you Diazepam is your friend! You are aware what's happening - you just don't give a shiny rats ass!
I would suggest he pops to the doctors. I only had to take them once and now no dentist phobia...

Original poster
Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 27/11/2012 19:47

Thanks, everyone. I am hoping (Sad) that it will get so painful that he has no choice, but for the time being he is taking Nurofen.

Statistically, thanks, but don't worry about diggin up the fees list. I am sure that nothing will convince him. Our DS (8yrs old) has had a couple of fillings at the NHS specialist close to us and the dentist is beyond wonderful. If DH could get a referral to her, he would be fine once he was in the chair. Getting him into the chair is another question.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 27/11/2012 19:48

Chessntoots, he won't even go to the doc for tablets to calm him down. Refuses to! I have offered to go with him, but NO!

OP posts:
milktraylady · 27/11/2012 19:50

He does realise dentists don't "do" stuff to you without permission?
They have a look, tell you what they think you have done, what that will cost.
Then you walk out just paying for a checkup. Or said dentist has gained trust & respect & you go ahead with treatment.

Quite straightforward really.

Skelacia · 27/11/2012 19:53

Tell him to go to the dentist and to ask for a referral to a sedation clinic. They'll knock him out to do all the work although if it's both sides of his mouth it will be 2 visits. The sedation falls into band 2 so it's £48, worst case scenario is they'll charge that for wach visit.

I am massively dental phobic and currently waiting on an appointment but I've had it done before and totally recommended it. Tell them when you book him in (I usually have to get DH to ring because even that makes my palms sweaty) about his phobia and how bad his teeth are. And go to your GP and get him some Valium for the check up. It'll help so much. But he can't have any before the sedation appointment!

BeatTheClock · 27/11/2012 19:57

My dh wouldnt go to the dentist for years. I went with dc but he never would.

The day came at last when he got toothache. Ah I said, you'll be sorry now, nowhere'll take you as an NHS patient.

He begged me to try and get him in somewhere, he didn't care about the cost. The first place I rang said they'd be delighted to take him on as NHS. They saw him quickly, had a quick prod about said there was nothing wrong with his teeth - turned out he just had a bit of sinusitis which was causing the pain - and charged £16 for the checkup.

He's been smirking ever since about 'all the money I've saved over the years'. Hmm Hmph.

Chesntoots · 27/11/2012 20:05

He wouldn't notice it mixed into his hot choccy though....

Oinkypig · 27/11/2012 20:15

I don't think the cost is the real issue it's just a convienient excuse to try and cover up his fear, which is a bit pointless as you know he is scared. It can be very dangerous to have a facial swelling, if it gets large enough it can start to block the airway. It does happen more frequently than even I realised before I stated to work in a dental hospital. He will need to get treatment, if he is that scared he can have sedation or even a GA(although if he has a GA they will most likely only do extractions) If you can get him to the doctor they can give him antibiotics and refer him either to a dental hospital or a local hospital with an oral surgery department. I don't know if he might find that easier as a sort of small step rather than feeling like he has to go to the dentist and will have to have treatment.
Hope he gets sorted soon.

Original poster
Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 27/11/2012 20:25

Thanks, Oinkypig. It is exactly that. He is so so very scared. We used to have shouting matches about his not getting his teeth done, but I have come to realise it is pure fear that is stopping him.

I have tried to talk to him about going to the doc etc, said I would go with him etc etc etc, but to no avail. I reckon the only choice I have is to wait until the pain becomes intolerable. The worry i have about getting antibiotics for an abscess is that once the pain stops, he will refuse to go and have work done.

It is a waiting game I think.

OP posts:
StatisticallyChallenged · 27/11/2012 20:31

He does need to go - and I say this as someone who didn't go for 10 bloody years.

But, despite my DH going to what he said was a nice NHS dentist I would not have gone near - I had awful experiences at an NHS dentist as a kid (hence the double phobia of dentists and needles) and just could not imagine going to one. For me, mentally, going to a private dentist was somehow 'different' and I could cope with that. I found my dentist through the dentalfearcentral website linked to above.

Original poster
Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 27/11/2012 20:49

I know he needs to go. I will see if I can persuade him to go soon. I am so scared of dentists, too, but because of that, I force myself to go - the more often you go, the less the pain, I reckon.

Hopefully I can persuade DH to do what he has to do,

Statistically, I see what you mean about going private. Worth thinking about. thanks.

OP posts:
whois · 27/11/2012 21:19

He's a fool not to get that treated.

It's obviously an irrational fear... The pain will win out in the end. He sounds a bit grim with 'manky teeth' tho. Ugh.

ukatlast · 27/11/2012 22:25

QUOTE OP Statistically, I see what you mean about going private. Worth thinking about. thanks.END

The dental fear central website is full of great information but in a nutshell its message is that the way to overcome dental phobia is to find a dentist you like and trust...it is that simple. Your OH has likely had horrendous experiences which have caused his fear and avoidance. Sadly it is a fact of life that pukka private dentists simply have more time for TLC and going slowly at the patient's pace than the average NHS dentist. You can't do painless dentistry against the clock.

He also needs to know that modern dentistry can be entirely painfree (even injections can be painless) even without sedation but you do have to find a dentist with the skills and expertise. So long as he can afford empathetic private care - he will never look back.
Sadly waiting for the pain to be extreme will lead him to the 'out of hours NHS care'..it will likely add to the cycle of bad experiences and fears. But it needn't be like that if he chooses his dentist himself and takes control in advance.

It's a non-commercial website. www.dentalfearcentral.org. he also needs to know he is not alone or unusual in having this fear. He can protect himself from future bad experiences. Check out the Common Fears section.
Best wishes.

BobblyGussets · 27/11/2012 22:34

Whatever you do, don't let it get to the weekend and him being in agony.