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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have an only child because I can't afford to have more ( plus I don't really want more than one)

40 replies

Pinkflipflop · 27/11/2012 17:34

I keep feeling like I have to justify my intention to only have one dc. I'm currently pg and haven't even had him yet but already people are saying you will want to crack on with your second as soon as you have this one! I'm 33, so I suppose age is a factor.

Thing is, I don't really want more than one child, I'm not a mummy type person and I just don't know how I will be when ds arrives.

I know that children are expensive and we can afford this one as we will be relying on family to help with childcare, wouldn't ask my mum to look after 2. I will have to stay ft to pay all the bills.

So I can afford one and only want one- why do I fell like I am an awful person with this decision? AIBU?

OP posts:

InNeedOfBrandy · 27/11/2012 17:36

Sometimes I wish I only had one, I have two close together(17months) and theres loads of good things like they play with each and don't get lonely but just 1 quiet good book worm dc would be nice.

HairyGrotter · 27/11/2012 17:38

I only have one, a 4 year old DD. I am a lone parent, I have no intention of having anymore children because a) I am single b) I cannot afford to and c) Simon Neil from Biffy is still married.

Totally the individuals choice, your life, you live it how you see fit

sixlostmonkeys · 27/11/2012 17:39

Congratulations :)

Enjoy your child and ignor everyone.

I have just the one. You will come up with plenty of responses trust me. eg. when you achieve perfection you stop :)

BsshBossh · 27/11/2012 17:39

I can understand why you feel awful - it seems to be the norm and expectation to have more than one child. Lots of people have commented on the fact that I only have one child but their asking doesn't bother me at all because I can understand where they're coming from.

I love being a family of three for so many reasons, only one of them being financial so other peoples' opinions on my family set up tend to blow over me. It helps that I had a fantastic childhood as an only child and that DH (himself one of three) wants only one child too.

CailinDana · 27/11/2012 17:40

Of course YANBU but just bear in mind that having your DC might change how you feel.

CailinDana · 27/11/2012 17:41

Oh and be prepared for a lot of stupid comments if you do stop at one.

Mutt · 27/11/2012 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 27/11/2012 17:41

You only want one.

Financially it's best for you to only have one.

No, YANBU.

Mutt · 27/11/2012 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HairyGrotter · 27/11/2012 17:43

You may change your mind, or having a child might make you realise that you are happy as your little unit. I'm not one of the worlds 'natural mothers' I found it very hard, but adjusted, I'm still considered not the 'norm' within my group of friends for my parenting, but different strokes and if the child is happy and well adjusted, happy days.

Enjoy what you can, don't think too hard, and ignore most of the shite spouted ;)

CailinDana · 27/11/2012 17:44

True Mutt, although parents of only children do seem to bear the brunt! But yes all parents have to endure idiocy throughout their children's lives.

OddBoots · 27/11/2012 17:46

People will feel free to comment regardless what you do, people will say you are unreasonable to have one child, other people will say you'd be unreasonable to have more children than you can afford to care for. Take no notice of what anyone else things, it's your choice.

PlateSpinningAtAllTimes · 27/11/2012 17:47

I am an only child and had a lovely childhood . I don't think I really missed out on anything- I was close to my cousins and became very good at forming close friendships with other children. And my parents could afford to take me on holiday every year and send me to university! So nothing wrong with wanting an only child. I think the challenges are different to those faced by people with more than one: making sure they're good at sharing, not spoiling them etc.

I personally wanted more than one, not because of my childhood but because in adulthood I've found my parents can be a little stifling. I have no one to share them with, which I would appreciate now as they are getting older. So as long as you remember to give them plenty of their own space as they become an adult you'll be fine

curiousuze · 27/11/2012 17:47

I'm 41 weeks with my first and I have loathed being pregnant all the way through. I can't see myself doing this again either - plus I am in my 30s too! I hope I'll enjoy being a mum but pregnancy is fucken AWFUL.

Cathycomehome · 27/11/2012 17:48

I had one child for twelve years and always thought he'd be an only for various reasons. Now have ds2 who's four months old and am loving having second, but not sure how it'll be when I've got a toddler and a teen! There's pros and cons of none, one or lots of kids (my friend had six!!) but whatever suits you and your family is fine.

frostyfingers · 27/11/2012 17:48

You are not an awful person, you have thought it through and made a perfectly rational decision. I would never ask someone why they weren't having more children, or for that matter why they were! Everyone seems to ask such personal questions when you are pregnant, have small children etc.

FeuDeSnowyRussie · 27/11/2012 17:49

YANBU, you sound very thoughtful and like you will make a great mum.

Just ignore them, or say "Back off people, I haven't even had this one yet!"

I'll probably only have one, if I have any at all, because i'll be so old when I finally make up my mind whether I want DCs...

PlateSpinningAtAllTimes · 27/11/2012 17:50

Oh, and agree with Mutt. I was only talking to a friend today who was saying that she gets criticised for having too many children (3)

Lottapianos · 27/11/2012 17:52

If it helps OP, you get stupid muppet comments Whatever you do. I have no children and have had more than my share of insensitive drivel about what I 'should' be doing. Of course YANBU, in fact you are being extremely responsible by planning to have the number of children that you can manage. Hope all goes well for you.

Dinosaurhunter · 27/11/2012 17:57

Ignor negative people op!
I have 1 ds who's 6 and will not be having more , I adore my son and love our little unit however we are lucky enough to have 3 friends with onlys that we holiday with etc... And I'm from a big family so always busy socialising . I have to say I'm amazed at the number of friends that have had 2 and constantly moan about the stress , cost and work involved as for me it was a thought out decision , that many people were shocked about because I'm the oldest of 6 children , used to work with children and generally love kids - but each to their own !

BikeRunSki · 27/11/2012 17:59

Two perfectly valid reasons.

DownTheRabidHole · 27/11/2012 18:00

YABVU not to have more simply because it's not financially viable.

Haven't you heard? It's your right to have children whether you can afford them or not - to choose not to makes you part of a eugenics programme. Or something. According to the bollocks oft spouted here.

worsestershiresauce · 27/11/2012 18:02

People may not comment at all. No one ever commented at my decision to delay motherhood until I was 40. I've been married for years, so they probably wondered, but not a word to my face

Your life, your choice. There are many happy only children, and many siblings who hate each other!

eatssleepsfeeds · 27/11/2012 18:34

Don't give it a second's thought now.

Just see how you feel in a couple of years.

Having kids really does affect how you look at things.

Keep an open mind.

You may fancy another. You may not.

See how you feel in the future.

All the best. X

Rudolphstolemycarrots · 27/11/2012 18:42

One only child on it's own is lovely and perfectly fine.

HOWEVER once you see just HOW lovely they are, you might actually want a second. It might surprise you completely!

I wasn't too bothered about having any kids but suddenly I have 3

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