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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to hand my friend the dustpan and brush...

93 replies

blondiedollface · 27/11/2012 14:37

Ok, to give me some perspective just want to ask the MN jury this...

A friend came round a couple of weeks ago and gave lunch to her DD 31 weeks - a blw lunch of broccoli and tomato. Didn't ask if it was ok but we have wooden floors so I didn't mind too much thinking there would only be a tiny bit going on the floor, obviously it went EVERYWHERE completely covering my dining room floor, she looked very perplexed when after sorting her DD she just sat down and carried on drinking her tea. I got out the dustpan and brush and said d oyou want to use these? She hadn't offered to clean up, nor asked for anything to clean with, nor said I'll do it in a minute.

She hasn't been round since, nor has she initiated texts to meet, up until this point it was a weekly meet since my DD was newborn. Was this rude of me? I would fully expect to clear up DD's mess if she made any at someone elses house so didn't think this was out of the ordinary, but seems she may have taken offence...

I'm not overly fussed as if she'd left the mess without offering I probably wouldn't have been best pleased and not text her - but AIBU?? Really?

OP posts:
Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 27/11/2012 15:00

YANBU. When I was on maternity leave a friend used to come around regularly too. She always left a trail of crumbs and dirty tea cups around her and never even offered to put her cup in the kitchen. I would have told her not to worry, but a thought would have been nice.

YADefNBU.

FeckOffCup · 27/11/2012 15:00

How would you get broccoli all over your clothes if you were using a dustpan and brush to clean it up though? How old is your DD OP, I'm guessing not old enough to launch a spoon loaded with yoghurt at you as my almost 2 year old did yesterday or you would be used to a bit of food mess by now, it's really not that big a deal.

Original poster
blondiedollface · 27/11/2012 15:01

Wilson So it's ok for her to wipe the mess from her own tray/chair with wetwipes and leave my floor disgusting?

OP posts:
reddaisy · 27/11/2012 15:01

YANBU

Chandon · 27/11/2012 15:02

Yabu and i hospitable and weird, imo.

Yes, she should have offered to clear up, so she was bu, but then you kind of made a big point out of something small by handing her the dustpan.

As if to say: right, your job!

Even if it WAS her job, you making a point was kind of ....

How to say this...

The opposite of being welcoming and fun

putonyourredshoes · 27/11/2012 15:02

blondiedollface - then you just have to accept you have different standards and if you want the friendship to continue you'll have to do it outside or in a cafe.

If it's any comfort, I bet she thinks you're odd too for your compulsive cleaning!

EwanHoozami · 27/11/2012 15:03

rightly or wrongly, you've embarrassed her. she's probably keeping quiet because she reckons you think she's an arse.

EwanHoozami · 27/11/2012 15:05

I MUST get a dog.

Original poster
blondiedollface · 27/11/2012 15:05

I'd rather be odd and clean, than normal and dirty!! I think normal meetings will def be park or café from now on (if there are any more!!)

OP posts:
BartletForTeamGB · 27/11/2012 15:06

I always clear up after DS no matter where we are, whether that is our house, a friend's house or a restaurant.

"How old is your DD OP, I'm guessing not old enough to launch a spoon loaded with yoghurt at you as my almost 2 year old did yesterday or you would be used to a bit of food mess by now, it's really not that big a deal."

Gosh, did you mean that to sound so patronising, feckoffcup? My DS is 2.3yo, so we've had a bit of mess over the last wee while but I still clear it all up and would be surprised if any of my friends didn't offer to clear up their DC's mess.

bondigidum · 27/11/2012 15:07

Argh my mother brought her DPs daughter (6) over to mine and they both started eating their lunch in the living room. She got her crumbs all over and mum just said 'oh you're so messy' and left the mess. I was hacked off.

Its rude- if I make a mess in someone's house of course I will clean it. Its not like going to a restaurant where someone is paid to clean up your mess, this is someone's house fgs. You weren't bu at all and if she can't see that then she clearly has no manners, much like my mother and her sd.

putonyourredshoes · 27/11/2012 15:07

Really blondiedollface?

I do hope you meet more like yourself when your child is making a mess and you are all flustered and hot.

Or possibly someone who's not quite so uptight about solid oak floors and just enjoys your company.

I wonder who would be nicer to spend time with?

BartletForTeamGB · 27/11/2012 15:07

"I'd rather be odd and clean, than normal and dirty"

I don't think it is normal to be dirty. Surely it is far easier to clean for 1 minute after each meal than to leave it all for later.

timothyclaypole · 27/11/2012 15:10

Chandon and others who think the OP is being unreasonable, consider this;

A friend comes over for lunch. Halfway through they knock their plate and send food flying everywhere, all over the table and all over the floor. They say "oops", scrape the food that has landed on the table onto the floor, finish their lunch then go and sit on your sofa for a cuppa.

Wouldn't you be a bit Shock that they didn't attempt to tidy up their own mess?

SoleSource · 27/11/2012 15:14

Depebds on your tone of voice etc. If you were rude, I wouldn't have come back either. Maybe she wanted to sit, drink her tea and then clean up.

ATourchOfInsanity · 27/11/2012 15:15

I think YABU - only because I was also horrified when people did this to me, but have since had so many parties at mine/been to so many other peoples houses with DD that you realise that you can't realistically always clear up afterwards.

I think if anything your friend was being a bit tactless, what with you shoving the clean up apparatus in her face, by not putting her DC down to sweep your floor. Perhaps to save this happening again you could put a plastic mat or something easier to clean down in future, as I am sure you do with your DC?

ENormaSnob · 27/11/2012 15:15

Yanbu

Completely rude and unacceptable to leave such a mess.

Chandon · 27/11/2012 15:16

That is easy to answer.

If this happened, I would say: " don't worry!", then I would garb the dustpan and quickly tidy up, assuring my friend the china was not precious.

Then I would offer her a new plate of food.

The choice isn't between leaving it to fester for ages or bullying friend to do it!

There is a normal, reasonable option which I have mentioned now.

Idea?

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 27/11/2012 15:17

What did she do/say after you handed her the dustpan?

Kveta · 27/11/2012 15:17

I have said to blondie elsewhere, I think there are several issues here though:

  1. do you/should you clear up after your child if they make a mess at someone else's house?
  2. if someone made a mess at your house, would you expect anything more than a cursory wipe to clear it up?
  3. would you offer them a dustpan and brush?
  4. would you be offended if someone gave you a dustpan and brush (or hoover, or mop or whatever) to clean their house?

personally I think that a bit of mess goes with the territory of having visitors. if you have a party, and there are lots of crumbs on the floor, you wait until everyone has gone to hoover up.

and brushing up brocolli and tomato would be very very messy anyway, as it's 'wet' food, so in your position, I would have started wiping it up myself, and even if friend had offered to take over, would have carried on, and maybe clean properly when she'd gone home. then only invited her over outside meal times in the future!

frantic51 · 27/11/2012 15:18

WIBU to point out to those that are airily mentioning, "dogs as hoovers" that some foods which are fine for human consumption are, in fact,poisonous to dogs and, whilst broccoli and tomatoes are ok, they could leave the owner dealing with doggy diarrhoea 24 hours later? Hmm

As a parent and a dog owner I was always more careful to clear up after my DCs when they were toddlers.

I don't think YWBU OP. I would have done the same, I think!

ToriaHosannaHeadacheChelsea · 27/11/2012 15:18

YANBU. My 13mo is currently at the flinging everything he's done with across the room stage. Today in a cafe that included bread, pork pie, cheese, his beaker of milk, banana and a spoonful of yogurt. I got down on my hands and knees and cleaned it up. At home I clean up after every meal (we too have wooden floors if that makes any odds)

When I go to my friend's house, who has a 12mo and a dog I still clean the high chair down and offer to clean the floor when the wee ones have finished eating. It's not on, IMO, to expect someone else to clean up after your child.

frantic51 · 27/11/2012 15:19

More careful if there were dogs around

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 27/11/2012 15:20

I would think it rude not to clean up after my child, or at least offer to.

OTOH, maybe you didn't give her enough of a chance.

Need to know what happened after you handed /offered her the dustpan

babybythesea · 27/11/2012 15:20

I always clean up after my dd.
I tend to assume that the person who has invited me round wants to enjoy my company, but that they will have better things to do with their time than clean up after me once I've left. It doesn't stop me having a natter if I wipe up crumbs etc - I think part of having small children is accepting you will have to do a load more cleaning - wherever you are (your home, someone elses home, out and about...). I mostly must know nice people - people who come here with children usually at least offer to help - if it's major chaos (like that caused by baking and icing cakes) I accept. If it won't take me long after they've gone I decline. Very rude not to offer though, and to just assume someone else is happy to tidy up after you.

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