AIBU - A question regarding grandparents...

[MamaBear17]

My DD is one and a half and at nursery. Her nursery is in the same village as mine and hubby's place of work and where my husbands' family live. We have been invited to a Christmas fun afternoon at the nursery and both me and my husband have arranged to leave work early so that we can take DD together. However, my husband's grandma (who also lives in the same village) has a friend who works at the nursery and this friend has told her she can come to the event. As a result my MIL now wants to come too. Is it unreasonable of me not to want them to come? It is the first event that we have ever been invited to and I just feel like I want it to just be the three of us. I wouldn't have invited any of them to come and I feel like it is unfair for the family friend to have done so. I just feel like whenever we go out with the grandparents (my mum included) they tend to take over and I am pushed into the back ground watching. I know that they do not mean to take over and it is only because they love my DD, but I also feel like I am pretty good at standing back and letting them take over most of the time. I also arrange for both sets of grandparents to have time alone with DD so that they can have some 1:1 time without mummy being there. I over heard my MIL talking yesterday so I know she is either going to ask if we would mind her going or just announce that she is going. Would it be unreasonable to just ask her not to? The crux of the issue is that I feel like these little events are few and far between and I just want to enjoy it with DD without having to stand back and watch grandma enjoy it with DD instead. My inlaws are lovely people and wonderful grandparents and I wouldn't want to offend or upset them, but at the same time I feel like it should be our choice to invite them to events like this and say no if we do not want them there. Hubby feels the same as me.

YANBU, but I think your DH needs to have a word and explain gently that as this is the first event of this type you would like to go as a unit of 3, however you'll be taking DD to see Santa on xx date and would love it if they would come along to that. That way, your PIL wouldn't be able to complain they are being pushed out and are actively being included in the Christmas fun.

Yanbu I get a bit fed up with people taking the entire family to these things anyway. It's dds carol service soon in our tiny village church and loads of parents end up stood at the back whilst the grandmas take up all the seating.
Just ask dh to explain it to them. Does he agree with you?

Is it an invitation only event, then?

Hence Grandmother has been invited by her friend and will be going?

Or is it a free for all?

Feel a bit sorry for MIL if her mum/mil will be going & she won´t.

I do know what you mean about wanting to do these things just the three of you.

But now I have teenagers & look back, on the whole I think-would it really have mattered?

But also-what sort of thing will be happening-is there anything that will be of interest to MIL/husband´s GM?

If so-can´t they look around together & leave you three together?

Tell both to stay away. Be a nice as you like. At the end if the day, neither have a child at the nursery so shouldn't be there:)

Only the parents have been invited, but the nursery have said that we can have more tickets if we want them. Hubby and I replied by saying that it would just be the three of us, but one of DD's key workers has gone and invited DD's great grandma because she is friends with them. Hubby does agree with me and is likely to be less diplomatic than I am. We are both annoyed at the key worker and it is not the first time something like this has happened. DD left her coat at nursery once and was sent home in someone elses (daft hubby didnt notice) and the keyworker/family friend rang my in laws to tell them despite the fact that the nursery have our numbers. The nursery is so lovely and very convenient for us because it is close to work, however, we have already had to have words with MIL because she felt that because the nursery is close to her home she should be able to go and pick DD up and take her back to her house if she felt like it. We told her, and the nursery, that she must not do this and must instead ask first. I have no problem with her wanting to spend time with DD, but I didnt want her just going and getting her whenever she felt like it without checking it was convenient. Not to mention the fact that we would then be paying for a session that DD didn't have. It is frustrating when we all go somewhere nice and DD is taken off by the grandparents and I am left standing there on my own. I feel like I cant say no, but at the same time it would be nice if I could have the opportunity to show her the animals at the Zoo instead of standing there watching the pram whilst grandpa does it. My own mum is as bad, but I feel like I can tell her when she is taking over. I do try and be laid back and allow them to, I think that is why I want this for myself, if you see what I mean?

It is a craft event. We will be making Christmassy things and meeting Santa.

Well in that case I think that 2 adults per child seems adequate.

I hope that tickets aren´t limited so that a parent won´t be able to go because GGM is!

Key worker sounds a right pain in the arse.

Still-she invited GGM-she´ll be looking after her??!!

I work in a nursery and if I did something like that I would be hauled over the coals. The key worker should know about confidentiality and comply but she isn't. Could you have a quiet word with the manager? Explain what's going on and state that you are unhappy about it and maybe the manager should have a general chat with everyone so the key worker isn't necessarily singled out but if it carries on hint (or if it were me I'd state outright) that you'd have to make a formal complaint. At the end of the day no one should be discussing your daughter outside of the setting.
Also, is there really room for everyone and their relatives neighbours dog at this event?? We can only allow 2 guests per child at Christmas shows etc due to space restrictions, fire regs etc.

I can see it from both sides tbh.

I always invited my mum to these kind of things as i thought she would enjoy it and it made her feel included.

But on the other hand i understand why you would like it with you and DH as this is one of the first, but will be many more to come over your DD's school years where GP's can and will be included.

I think your Dh needs to explain kindly to his family why you would just like the 3 of you but maybe arrange something else where all the extended family members are included so as not to feel left out.

But do be prepared for them not to be so understanding as in thier eyes it may seem like there is no logical reason why they shouldn't attend.

I have thought about speaking to the nursery about the key worker but I do not want to cause a rift. I think I may say something quietly to the manager. Thank you for all of your replies xx

I am hopeful that my MIL will see it from the point that if she is there doing the crafty things with dd then I cant, and as I am her mum I want to be able to do those things. That isnt to say that she cant take dd to a craft event somewhere else if she wants to. However, if it wasnt for the fact that she knows my DD's key worker she wouldn't even know the event was on let alone be invited to it. It really should be my choice to invite grandparents along or not, which is why I am annoyed, because I would have chosen 'not'.

YABU I think. And a bit mean. Why would you be so precious and not share the event with grandparents? I alsways invited both grandparents to my DDs nursery and school events.

They love them....they love the DC too and want to be part of their lives.

Well it seems to me that the problem is the key worker-had she not got GGM a ticket, MIL might have not been bothered or just accepted that OP & husband were going.

So, MIL can´t go without a ticket & really the ticket fir GGM should be rescinded as key worker should not have given it out.

TBH, I would complain & say that you have the tickets that you want-why have others been given out to your family?

Just read your last post and Actually i am shocked that that the nursery would hand over your DD to your MIL without any prior agreement or permission from you first.

Think i would be putting in a formal comlplaint about that on its own.

I wouldn't be quiet about it. The key worker has a conflict of interest, she obviously values her friendship with your family member over the rules of her job. She needs hauling over the coals to get bit through to her that she is being unreasonable. Sounds mean but it's not acceptable behaviour:(

"Why would you be so precious and not share the event with grandparents?"

Some people want GPs involved in everything, some don´t.

Shouldn´t it be up to the parents, not the nursery staff??

Why does she need to be hauled over the coals?

Why would it cause a rift to simply say to her "jUst a quick word keyworker, would you mind in future making sure that all communication re DD is first stop via me and DH, it gets a bit confusing if DMIL is involved before us and sooner or later we'll miss something"

If she doesn't comply, raise it to the nursery manager.

Let DMIL and DGMIL come to the fair ths year. When you get there say "right we're going to do XYZ, we'll meet you at Santa at the end".

I know it seems a little precious, but we do so much with the GP's, occasionally we just want something to ourselves. The nursery never let MIL pick her up without permission, MIL just thought that they should!

When ds was little I used to scream inwardsly when others (especially my mother) encroached on my ds because he was mine and I wanted these special moments and them to be for just us and and and.

Now he's ten, and I look back and I and think wtf was I thinking?

What you need to do is ask yourself who's that about? Because in truth it's not about your dd, she's not going to remember these firsts, she's not going to remember doing this stuff as "just the three of you," she probably won't even remember the christmas thing or the going to the zoo at such a young age etc. This is about everyone else, and in this instance it's about you not wanting to share your dd, and partly not really wanting her grandparents to play too important a part in her life. It's not a contest. You will always be her mummy, but equally you can't always be the one who does the "firsts" because there have to be lots of people in her life.

I do think the keyworker is out of order, but I do think that yabu, although I can see why you don't see it now, but you will look back in years and see it - trust me on this.

YANBU, it is entirely up to you and DH whether you want to invite grandparents along. I totally get that you want to go as a three. More than that is mob handed for a craft event.

I think that the thing is at that age they can be overwhelmed by too many grown ups. Assuming that the OP's mother and grandmother would also want to go (I know that isn't the issue, but that would be fair), then it would be 6 adults per child, multiply that by the number of children in the nursery and it gets a bit mad. (not to mention all the grandfathers/great grandfathers).

I don't know whether it is worth making a big rift in the family, but I would definitely be talking to the manager and asking that it isn't repeated, and saying that you + dh want to do the craft, but maybe they can take photos (if permitted) with FC. There will be loads more opportunities for them to watch/ take part. Agree maybe dangle trip to Santa as alternative in front of them.

I would be more annoyed about the key worker tbh! I also live in a small village where everyone knows everyone, so things like confidentiality aren't taken as seriously, so I can completely see how this would be really frustrating. I would be complaining to the nursery manager. Tell the GM and MIL that you and DP will be attending this event on your own as its the first but they wil be able to come next time. Or that you'll arrange something chrismassy for them to do with you and DD in the next few weeks to make up for it. Another idea is to say it would be unfair to your mum as you feel other children's parents will be missing out if you buy too many tickets.

The nursery never let MIL pick her up without permission, MIL just thought that they should!

Sorry my mistake, i misread and thought you meant she actually taken Your DD out of her session!!

Does that mean that other key workers can just invite random friends of theirs into the nursery? Honestly, I would be speaking to the manager about their processes. That's just not on IMO.