To tell her father he must start contact now?

[notnagging]

A teenage relative has had a breakdown, a combination of things but a lot to do with her dad. He thinks when she is 16 he will speak to her about everything and they can start from then. His wife is supportive of this. They have other children who know about her. I feel so sorry for her & I wish I could tell him that she needs him now not when it is easier for him. He has a bitter relationship with her mother mainly because he didn't want to be with her. I have to speak to him but know that might be the end of an already difficult relationship. His mother feels the same but is also worried that it will lead to loss of contact between them.

You can't tell anyone to do anything BUT you could maybe let him know the details of her breakdown if you are not breaking any confidences. If he is so unconcerned he really doesn't sound as though he will be a magic cure for her, even if he does get in contact when she is 16, he has other kids & obviously they & his new partner are priorities in his eyes.

How old is she now and why does he feel waiting would be best?

You can't force anyone into a relationship, even if you think it would help her. Appeal to his better nature but probably best to withdraw from further discussion with him if he won't help and just continue to support her. Hope she's OK

difficult. I'ld be concerned that the reason he wants to wait till she is 16 is that he perceives her to be an adult and in a position to be financially independent etc, so intends to slag off her mum and blame her mum for loss of contact. But if your relative is in a fragile state, this may really be the last thing she needs. I think if the girl's mum/girl are OK with it, then it would be useful for him to know she is having mh problems at the moment, but I wouldn't push him into contact at all, as if he focusses on being pushed into it, then he won't be giving his DD the thought and concern he ought to.

I take it that you know both parents?

Can you talk to the girl's mother?

It seems very odd to have decided to have no contact until she's 16. Are the parents thinking it will easier for them or her?

He has always paid maintenance and had card contact but never spoken to her. I think this is more damaging but her mother is very bitter that he didn't want a relationship with her when she found out she was pregnant from a fling.

What difference does her age make?

How old is she? Why the need to wait for contact?

I think like lightpassenger said he thinks he will be able to explain why he kept his distance but I think she is having more and more issues around his Abscence. I'm afraid by then (3yrs time) more damage would be done. She does not know that this is his plan.

I hope I can have an honest discussion with him but he usually shuts down when you approach the subject.

You cant make an adult do anything.

Its none of your business but you can have an opion on it.

If you really want to say something tell him to pay for private therapy or counciling for his dd.

I do agree but we are all related which makes it hard to stay out.

That's ridiculous. He needs to have proper contact with his daughter. Someone should point out to him that withholding contact from a child can be viewed as a punishment, that she is distressed that she had no contact, and then he can make his own mind up. What an utterly stupid idea to punish the daughter for the 'sin' of the mother. Dick.

What an incredibly cruel way to treat his own child. What massive rejection she must feel.

Is there anyone that can back you up when you talk to him?

It's just such a stupid idea to wait until she's 16 - does he really think she's going to welcome him with open arms and forgive 16 years of neglect?

If she has never had contact with her dad before, then I don't think this is the time. She's had a breakdown, she needs to focus on herself and her needs - not on developing a new relationship that is probably going to be emotionally difficult and draining. Unless she explicitly says she needs and wants to begin contact with her father right now, then it should not happen.

Thanks for your replies.Her mum has said I should tell her dad , I don't know if that us what she has said.

Flow her mum thinks her breakdown is a lot to do with her dad. I think she is having some identity issues.

I reckon that is the most important question, because if she doesn't want contact with her dad right now, it shouldn't happen.
Tricky for you...

Before anyone actually contacts the bio dad, they have to talk to the doctors to make sure that any contact from him will not do further damage.

The problem is her mum has always spoken about her dad so you don't know if its coming from her or her mum. We don't know what she has been saying which is why her dad has said he wants to wait until she's older.

Look, I think the dad was wrong to wait. He sends cards but can't even do a more cursory check up on his daughter's well-being through you or other family members who see the child?

To me its a case of out of view, out of mind.

OP can I ask how well you know the child's mother? Have you had involvement in the child's life at all, or are you also not someone the girl knows well? You say you don't know what the mum is saying to the child, why not? How well does the mother know you, to ask you to intervene?

I'd be telling the dad it was too little too late. Why the hell did he think he could 'pencil in' when he wanted to see his child again?! He can't just swan in when she's 16 and magically untangle all the mess he's caused in his abscence.

Heaven knows how you can help but I hope she's ok and it's good you're on her side.

I am related to the father I'm ashamed to say and we are not meant to have much contact because of him but we felt that we couldnt ignore her

take your nose and stick it back on your face. it is too much into other people's business.