To tell her father he must start contact now?

[notnagging]

A teenage relative has had a breakdown, a combination of things but a lot to do with her dad. He thinks when she is 16 he will speak to her about everything and they can start from then. His wife is supportive of this. They have other children who know about her. I feel so sorry for her & I wish I could tell him that she needs him now not when it is easier for him. He has a bitter relationship with her mother mainly because he didn't want to be with her. I have to speak to him but know that might be the end of an already difficult relationship. His mother feels the same but is also worried that it will lead to loss of contact between them.

Thanks lovebunny. Im sure you'd have the same attitude if it was your family
I am talking about a child who is related to me who has had a breakdown not a stranger on the street.

OP I think that is really decent of you to feel that way, and if you can see/spend time with the girl and see what she says/how she feels then I think that you would get a better sense over what to do for the best. It's not clear if you aren't supposed to see the girl because her mum says so, because of the dad, of if he has said as much. Either way, I think you should not open a potentially destructive can of worms for the girl until you can get a sense of how she is, how string she is, and just how big a part her dad not being in her life has played in her break down.

I can't really get a sense over which of the 2 parents here have been the main cause of this situation. I find it hard to believe any father could ignore their own child for 13/14 years, as much as I find it hard to get my head around a mother who refuses to let a father have anything to do with their own child for that length of time. Whatever the reasons this situation came about, I don't think ignoring it now is the best thing for that girl. But, all the arguments/anger/accusations needs to be dealt with away from her, as she'll be far too vulnerable to take that on board as well as try and establish a relationship with her dad, if that is what she wants. The situation needs to be handled very, very carefully and I doubt you raising it with your 'relative' where he'll just get defensive is the best way forward.

I'm no expert, but I think you need to see/speak to the girl 1st, to get a sense of what is going on with her, and what help/support she's getting/needs etc. And then decide what to do, if there is anything you can do.

Sorry about the typos, should have proof-read that better!

Thank you bunch. Very much appreciated. Her mum has always tried to maintain contact and we met her when she was small. We are only allowed phone contact because of the way he is behaving. My dh and i can't imagine going this especially as he has other children he is very close to. If I was her that would make me feel even worse. I know there is nothing I can do except tell him how I feel even if that does mean he doesn't speak to me again

I think I understand now where the mum is coming from, and in fairness to you, it's not really your place to 'make' your relative do anything. It might just be desparation from the mum, to try and finally get through to her DD's dad, but I think she needs to think first before unleashing that on her vulnerable DD. I can understand that desparate need for her to get her ex to face up to this situation, but I think she needs to concentrate on her DD, and not think about someone who can be so callous about their own child by refusing to have anything to do with her. I just don't think this girl needs that on top of everything, even if the mum believes that her ex's actions are the behind the girl's breakdown. Like others have said, you can't make a grown man do anything, even if you point out the harsh effect his actions have had/are having on his own child. That is something that has to come from him, and I think it would be more painful for the girl to find that out, especially now when she's at her lowest ebb.

I'm afraid of what he would say to her when he does eventually see her then.

I think the best thing to do is be supportive of the mother and her daughter. If the mother wants to pass on message on to him, she should write a letter to him. Other than that, send a care package to the daughter. She needs all the people who care and love her to be pulling for to get well at the moment.

Thanks lovebunny. Im sure you'd have the same attitude if it was your family
'family' are the people with direct connection - anyone else is not family and i would keep my nose out.

Well I have taken your advice, thank you for an outsiders perspective. It's hard when you are so involved in a situation to know what to do for the best but I realise now that it is a culmination of things that lead to a breakdown & him suddenly getting in touch will not help the situation. Sadly if I was her I wouldn't want to know him at all but I hope she knows that the rest of the family do love her and wish her well even if we can't be there the way we'd like to.

Obviously that last post was not directed to you lovebunny. If you read my posts you would see that we are all related. Maybe you think if he doesn't want to know the rest of the family should reject her as well but I'm happy to say we are not like that. She knows we love and care for her and that we have tried our best to make him see sense. Sadly like others have said, you cannot make other people feel the same way you do.

as a child who was swept under the carpet as it were by my father and his family I would have been delighted had any aunt or grandparent shown an interest tbh. it's a shame you have only been allowed phone contact, it sounds like a v fraught situation. I hope things improve soon for this young lady.

Thank you lightpassenger. That means alot

It makes it harder that you're related to the girl's dad, I think. If you don't normally/often see her, you can't easily approach her and say "So, do you actually want to see your dad?", and if you say 'no' to her mum's request, then you're probably going to get some flak.

I think you're in a v difficult position. Tbh, I think your best bet is to talk to the girl's mum, and say you are worried that it will make it worse for the girl if her dad wanders into her life at this point - that you think he might not be very supportive and realise that that would be very bad for her.

FWIW, my own DS (17) has seen hardly anything of his dad throughout his life, and nothing at all of him for about 4 years. It has certainly caused him some problems and a lot of distress. But to be honest, the worst times have been when his dad has made contact or got his hopes up and then not stuck to promises.

When my DS1 was very tiny, and my relationship with his dad was breaking down, his sister said something to me that was critical of him and very helpful to me, because it made me realise that even his family recognised he wasn't going to stick around and be a good dad. Maybe her mum needs to hear something like this from you...?

Bloody hell love bunny - what a productive post

notnagging what a terrible situation, it's great that you are taking an interest in your relative and I think you must speak to the father. I assume he does want some relationship with his daughter.

Does she want him to get in touch?

thankyou flow4. I will tell him that the rest of the family will maintain the relationship and when she is ready to see us again she can do. I will tell him what damage his attitude is having on her now & leave it at that. The rest is up to him unfortunately. : (

mamamumra. tbh i don't know if she does want him to get in touch but at least now she will get some support from Cahms.

Just to say thanks to every one that offered their advice and to give you an update. I emailed and said how I felt about my relative not seeing his daughter. I explained what had happened and said it was up to them to get in touch. I haven't received a reply, not even to ask how she is doing now. I guess it's best if he doesn't get in touch if that is the response. I know it has damaged our relationship but I couldn't go on not saying anything for fear of losing him. It turns out other people in the family had done the same. To me a child is more important . I am hoping that once he calms down he will be in touch but we shall see.

notnagging, I think you have done all you can, and now it's up to both that girl's parents to sort something out, if at all appropriate. But well done for saying something. I think all too often people get away with appaulling behaviour as no one challenges them, making it easier to ease their conscience (I have experience of this unfortunately). It might not make a difference, but at least you know you have made your view clear, and maybe, just maybe, it'll have the desired effect. I hope the girl recovers and does get the relationship she wants with her dad, even if it is a bit late.

Thanks bunch

She presumably is getting professional help so you should ask those professionals what they advise.
And for example they could facilitate meetings with dad or speak to dad to get his views and help the girl deal with that.
Let whoever is helping the girl professionally assist and speak to the dad and see if it will help or hinder the recovery.
Him
Itching up now when she is having a breakdown well how is that gonna help ?

I doubt he is going to do anything tbh. At least I know for sure know no doubt. I thought maybe hearing about this would make him think but it hasn't. Hopefully counselling will help her deal with it better.

Wtf are you bothering with the twat of a male relative anyway?

Fuck him! Go and throw your entire support behind a very damaged little girl.

Her parents have buggered this up royally, time to tell Mr One Night Dad to piss off then and to go ruin someone elses life.

The twat will sit her down at 16 and tell her that because his mum was just a shag, that she didn't matter, and allude to saying something about getting rid of the baby...

At 16, a talk like that could kill her.

Better you and your family ostracise the twat, support her and her mother fully, and show him that her father has no right to claim that title.

Wow hissy very to the point but I agree with you 100%

(((hugs))) :)