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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to be a bit pissed off that dh has convinced ds to spend his 21st alone?

30 replies

ThatVikRinA22 · 24/11/2012 22:24

ds is 21 next weekend.
he is at uni but has AS/dyspraxia/dyslexia and hasnt made any friends at uni. He is fine and coping but lonely and to top it all his boss has threatened to fire him (he is a computer programmer) because their site got hacked (his boss uses indian programmers who had a password of 4567!!!!!!!!!!)

so he is a bit stressed out right now. His birthday is next sat and i really wanted him to come home and spend the weekend with us and have nice meal out or something.

DH has said that because he leaves uni the week after for the xmas break he should stay there until then - great but i will be working then and wont see him (i do shift work) and im working xmas day and boxing day.

im really annoyed with dh for suggesting DS doesnt come home for his birthday weekend, but now DS seems to have accepted this and thinks its a good idea.

im really annoyed with im for not even discussing it with me before he told DS to stay at uni. He has gone to bed in a strop and im seething alone.

OP posts:
Softlysoftly · 24/11/2012 22:27

Can't you go to him? Let him show you around his new town and take him out for a treat?

MoonlightandRoses · 24/11/2012 22:27

YANBU at all, but, if DS is genuinely now ok with it, then at least that's something? Would it throw him out of his routine if you were to call up for the day unexpectedly (assuming you can get the time off work)?

Proudnscary · 24/11/2012 22:27

Aww, I'm sorry Vicar. I understand how you feel an would feel the same. Calm talk with dh in the morning?

Softlysoftly · 24/11/2012 22:28

Oh and YANBU though I see his reasoning he should have discussed it with you.

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 24/11/2012 22:30

well we could go there. i am off next weekend but i just thought he would be home. he was talking about coming home then DH said he might as well stay the extra week and come the week after as he breaks up for xmas then.

its his 21st and i really didnt want him being alone for it. Sad

OP posts:
ohfunnyface · 24/11/2012 22:32

go to him- great idea!

quirrelquarrel · 24/11/2012 22:32

I think it's worth just you all calming down a bit. No point in talking about it until the morning, and anyway it doesn't seem like you could if your DH has gone to bed. Yes, you can be angry, but I think maybe you're overreacting- your DH was just thinking of the practicality of the situation and probably just didn't see past that. It's quite obvious that his only intention was to be as efficient as possible- nothing else.

It's not set in stone. Next Saturday is enough time for your DS to adjust slowly to the idea of having his plans changed, he can still come. Or is it possible for you to visit him, just for a day?
Chances are, your DS probably understands your DH's thinking more than yours- so he probably won't feel hurt, like you might be worried about.

I wish he was at my uni! It makes me sad to read that he's feeling lonely, I'd invite him round and introduce him to nice friendly people Grin has he joined societies, or didn't that work out? Honestly I feel like I want to hug him poor thing!

Floralnomad · 24/11/2012 22:32

On your other thread you say your son is at home this weekend ,is that the same DS , if so then your DH is probably being quite reasonable that its not worth him coming home again next weekend and then home for Xmas the following weekend.

honeytea · 24/11/2012 22:34

I think it would be nice for you to go and visit him. From your post it sounds like you are more upset because you won't see him than rather than that he will be alone on his birthday.

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 24/11/2012 22:36

i know but its his 21st birthday.....

if it was any other weekend it wouldnt bother me. he hasnt been home in quite a few weeks, this weekend he cracked and phoned and asked to come home. he really misses company and gets so lonely.

i just hate to think of him spending his 21st all alone in a bedsit.

OP posts:
BelaLugosisShed · 24/11/2012 22:37

He can't spend his 21st alone! What the hell was your DH thinking?
Has he really not got one friend over there? Sad
Is it too far for you to go over and take him out for lunch on Saturday?

Floralnomad · 24/11/2012 22:38

sorry I must sound like I'm stalking you , but last night you were saying you'd been signed off sick so why don't you go and spend a few days with him .

blackeyedsusan · 24/11/2012 22:42

poor thing. poor you too. go and see ds if you can. or persuade him to come home if he wants.

IceNoSlice · 24/11/2012 22:44

Go see him and let him show you the sights. Tale him for a lovely lunch. You'll have a fab day.

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 24/11/2012 22:46

i have been signed off sick, but i am not intending to stay sick for the full 2 weeks - i really do have far too many deadlines to stay off for the full 2 weeks.

DS has no friends at uni no. he started in sept. he tried and joined some societies and stuff but its not quite worked out.

he has one friend here - he lives 15 doors away and also has AS.

i had really thought he would be home so wasnt stressing. I cannot rest knowing he will be spending his 21st alone in a bedsit.

we can go there but there is not need for him not to come home. Now he is saying he has assignments due so DH is right.....

he hadnt even thought of not coming home until DH said he might as well wait.
Angry

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 24/11/2012 22:50

Could he not transfer to a local uni and live at home . 3 years is a long time . My DS is in his 2 nd year and chose to commute for various reasons and has made lots of friends, I think it's becoming more common to not go away to uni , most of the people he's friends with also live at home .

BelaLugosisShed · 24/11/2012 22:55

Wild horses couldn't have kept my DH away from our DD on her 21st, she was at Uni ( hers was last year, also on a Saturday ) she managed to fit us in her busy schedule so we could take her out to lunch Hmm .
I think it's pretty shitty of your DH actually, surely he realises who you are so upset?

Narked · 24/11/2012 22:58

I'm sorry he's struggling with making friends. I would tell him you were coming to visit him.

Is there no chance of him transferring into halls?

Everlong · 24/11/2012 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BustersOfDoom · 24/11/2012 23:00

Maybe if he is saying he has assignments you could go across for an hour or so and take him for coffee and cake or something? It would be a shame not to see him on his actual birthday

And if you've been signed off sick you're signed off sick. I had lots of deadlines to meet when I was signed off for 3 weeks due to flu (and I mean proper evil flu) and bronchitis. Nobody died and nothing bad happened because they weren't met and the urgent ones were picked up by colleagues. If they are that important your Sgt should reassign them. Your health comes first!!

lottiegarbanzo · 24/11/2012 23:01

His birthday is one day, not part of a season, I agree it's important he feels special and happy on the day.

On university life, it's early to be writing off societies etc. Everyone is rushing around all over for the first month or two. Things will settle down, then it might be a better time to join more settled groups who can give him more attention, as he's not just one of 50 freshers interested in trying out their activity.

MoonlightandRoses · 24/11/2012 23:07

Sorry you're off sick too Vicar, but, unless you get signed 'in' as it were to go back, it's unlikely that you'll be covered by any work insurance (certainly used to be the case where I worked), although admittedly that was a desk job in the private sector and not front-line in the public sector as you do.

Would his friend come out too if you called up to treat DS? I think, if he's not fully settled in yet, then the more activities he can do where he is, rather than coming home, the better. Maybe get him to show you and DH around the uni town, so it's him in control, rather than him coming home?

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 24/11/2012 23:07

really ive a big crown court case that is looming and ive a deadline for CPS....i cant be off sick for it.

I think if i strop enough i will get my point across.

DS is going back tomorrow. i thought he was coming back next friday and we would go out next sat.

i can collect him due to being off.

He is only doing this final year away flora - he did the first 2 years living at home but the last year he had to move to uni for and tbh its done us the world of good - our relationship was getting rather strained to say the least - but i just dont want him spending his 21st alone - he wont go out, he has no friends there so i know he would be alone in his flat with nothing but a computer for company.

ill talk to DS tomorrow and ask what he really "wants" to do. if he really wants to stay at uni i will respect that but i think dh talked him into it more than him actually wanting to stay.

OP posts:
Tabliope · 24/11/2012 23:32

I'd really sell him the idea of a birthday at home. Even if he thinks he wants to stay at university the reality of having his birthday there with no celebration and probably no one to talk to will be awful I think. Almost like spending Christmas day alone if you're not prepared for it. I think he really needs to be at home. If he had a group of friends and was the type to get them all out to celebrate his birthday fine. But he doesn't sound like that and he's just going to end up lonely and miserable - I don't think he realises how bad it'll be. You really should get him home. Hope he has a great day.

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 24/11/2012 23:42

bela my dh realises sod all. he is sometimes a bit 'nice but dim. '

OP posts: