to think this is not on

[sumhope]

Say you got a present for Xmas last year which your dd broke during the year. Dh has now suggested getting me a replacement for Xmas this year. AIBU to think this is not on.
Probably reacting more than I should but we have history in this respect. Ie dh expecting bonus so said he was going to use money to update bathroom and also buy x for himself. so I said something like "What shall I get?"He replied you are getting bathroom!

Oh he is COMPLETELY out of order! You should have the same value presents. If you're having the bathroom, he can't use it!

The present thing I can understand, as TheJoyfulPuddlejumper has said. Unless your DH was somehow responsible for breaking it! The bathroom thing is fucking cheeky though. Last time my DH got a bonus, the "treat" we bought was something we both wanted. If DH had been getting something that wasn't to share, he'd have asked me what I wanted too.

So, let me get this straight - your dh gets a bonus and he gets a treat and your treat is a new bathroom? Thats screwed. Surely the bathroom.comes out of the bonus and then you both get a treat from whats left?

How old is your dd amd what did she break and why? Maybe he thought you would appreciate it being replaced?

It was a ds and I would like it replaced but not at the expense of a gift this year.

You broke your son?

I hoped it would be nice if it was replaced within normal spending with maybe dd making a small contribution. Obviously I don't think she should pay the lot as it was an accident.
good one worra

Every day's a school day! I didn't realise that people expected to receive something out of their other half's bonus? When my OH and I get our bonuses they are for our own jobs well done. If we fancy buying something together/meal out to celebrate, that's lovely, but I wouldn't expect a "treat" from my OH when it's his extra that he's earned. I received a voucher from my work a few weeks ago, but I'll be using it on my own shopping, not his, as I was the one who worked for it. The only way that I could see it as being expected would be if only one half of the couple worked, and the other was the SAHP.

Perhaps I'm naive... perhaps I'm actually owed presents!

Of course it should just be replaced when you can afford it - not instead of a present, that's ridiculous.

Also - I cannot understand why people have separate finances when they are in a relationship (and even more so when they have children). I would not want to have a relationship like that and I would not want to be in a relationship with your selfish DH. He gets a treat, your 'treat' is the bathroom updated (which HE decided on) and you get nothing and then get something replaced which your DD broke - for christmas. Nice guy. NOT.

See Freya - I don't get that. Me. My. Mine. Where's the love, where's the relationship in that? A bonus is a part of the income brought into the relationship IMO.

Oh, we have joint finances, which we both pay into equally on a monthly basis, and we certainly express love for each other financially through evenings out, surprise flowers, presents at Christmas, etc. I just don't see what claim I have to my OH's bonus, when it wasn't me who earned it. I have my own career to earn bonuses from. So if OH wants to buy a new TV, etc, with his bonus, then, no, I don't expect a piece of jewellery or whatever for me as well. From my point of view, I would think myself selfish if I did expect that.

Freya - if you are happy with your financial arrangements that's all that counts :) I just don't understand it. I don't understand why people feel a bonus is any different to regular wages or a lottery win. To me all money is our money - no matter who or how it comes into being. I would discuss how we were going to spend it. I guess there's a 'bit' of a tilt in the favour of the person who 'earned' it, but certainly not much. However, as I said, as long as you are happy with your financial arrangements that's all that matters and no-one else HAS to understand :)

I think YABU about the DS but not about the bathroom incident.

The DS is not a household essential, it's not something that should be replaced 'as standard', so getting another one would be an adequate gift I think.

What are you planning to get your DH for Christmas? Depending on this, what you're essentially saying is that you're expecting him to get you double the presents (the DS replacement and something else).

Out of interest any gifts he gives you like the bathroom, would he be happy to put it in writing?

Perhaps there's scope should you divorce in reducing the value of his interest in the house by the value of said gifts.

This year ask for a kitchen for your birthday the bedroom for Xmas pick a room every year the stingy bugger will be homeless by 2015

In reply to the finance issue I am on a career break/maternity leave so dh/s salary/bonus is our household income.
However, I do think dh sometimes forgets this.
I also still don't feel it would be a double present as replacing ds will only put me in same position as I was last Xmas.

We have a joint account, and our own accounts.

We both pay the majority of our wages into the joint account, which covers shopping, household bills, childcare, etc. We use our own accounts for our own stuff - phone bills, my shoes, his playstation games etc.

It's what works for us. We don't have much money, so it helps us to budget. Also, he can't gripe about me buying shoes, and I can't gripe about his games.

On the bonus thing - I use my bonus when I get one for my stuff, usually paying my credit card off and encourage OH to use his as he sees fit. To be fair to him, he usually uses it up on car maintenance.

Okay, if you don't want to consider it a double present, then the other way of looking at it is expecting your DH to replace something of yours at considerable expense to himself. I think the reasonable choice here is you get one or the other. You either take the replacement DS as your present or you accept that it won't be replaced and your DH gets you another present.

If he doesn't value your contribution as as SAHM then that's another issue entirely and you probably need to deal with that completely separately from this particular issue.

Tbh though, back to Christmas, it sounds like you're quite materialistic about this. If someone offered to replace a broken posession of mine, I'd be chuffed to bits, especially if it's something as expensive as a game console. I wouldn't be stropping at getting nothing else. What else are you expecting?

I suspect though, this is perhaps more about how your role in the family is regarded. I wonder if this is where your upset about everything as a whole is coming out.

I think you're being a bit spoilt about the DS tbh - its sounds a bit childish to be complaining about what's essentially a toy (unless a DS isn't what I think it is).

The bonus thing wouldn't really bother me either, as someone above said if I got a bonus at work I wouldn't expect to share it. That doesn't mean I wouldn't but I don't think I should have to.

Oh grow up.

Have many people called you a grabby selfish person before?

If I had bought my DH a ds for Christmas and our child had accidentally broken it, it would be replaced when the household funds could afford to replace it - not instead of a present. Maybe if money was very tight and he had broken it, he might have to have it as/instead of a present this year, but def not when our child had done it by accident.

marquesas (or anyone else) - can you try to explain to me why you feel a bonus is any different to your normal wages - it's just another way of getting paid. If your wages are 'shared' why not a bonus?

Think you hit nail on the head tidy dancer re other issues.
No one has ever called me grabby. In fact i think inlaws in particular get frustrated because I rarely come up with present ideas. Often i ask for vouchers and I use them to buy things i actually need like clothing. So I am actually not materialistic at all. I do not have any expensive hobbies. Dh has two.
I guess it is about attitude and respect. For example dh went off and spent £150 on his hobby and spent £100 on dc whilst I was still in hospital after giving birth.
When i came out of hospital one of the dc's told me that the new baby had purchased the gifts. I didn't even get a box of chocs. I jokingly queried this and was told the baby was my gift!
Sorry for drip feed. Blame hormones and sleep depravation.

But would you have a strop about it?