to think this is not on

[sumhope]

Say you got a present for Xmas last year which your dd broke during the year. Dh has now suggested getting me a replacement for Xmas this year. AIBU to think this is not on.
Probably reacting more than I should but we have history in this respect. Ie dh expecting bonus so said he was going to use money to update bathroom and also buy x for himself. so I said something like "What shall I get?"He replied you are getting bathroom!

YANBU. Ds replaced from household expenses, if you would still use it. ( although have you got an iPod touch? Much more versatile, and not sure you would need both?? May be an option of. Different present.

Bonuses in our house are earned by my husband, spent on stuff for both, but we usually get something each, although he would usually spend more on himself than I would get. Not sure this is totally fair, as my lack of career is because of lack of comparability between his career and mine and children.

chipping - I can't speak for other posters but any bonus I got from work would be nowhere near enough for a new bathroom (a new bath towel maybe ) and there's now way my DH would expect me to spend it on him and if my DH got a large bonus I'd be delighted to have a new bathroom, it wouldn't occur to me want some kind of personal present out of it.

I'm aware that I'm not a materialistic person in any way at all but even so moaning about not getting a new DS or a present does seem a bit off to me.

sumhope your DH doesn't sound like a very nice person :(

sock are you asking me? If you are, no I wouldn't, but I wouldn't be with someone like sumhope's husband. I'm not at all materialistic, I don't 'expect' gifts, I am quite happy to agree to not swapping gifts etc, but the things he says are just nasty. If we could afford it, it wouldn't bother me that he's spent £150 on a hobby or £100 on the kids and it wouldn't have even crossed my radar that he hadn't bought me anything, my mind just doesn't work like that BUT the minute he said they were from the baby that changes it, it's like saying Daddy is important, the siblings are important, but YOU, YOU are nothing. To be told the bathroom is her gift and the baby is her gift - it's just nasty.

marquesas - I just think if it's large enough to update the bathroom, it's large enough to discuss what the money should be spent on and if there's some left over to discuss what to do with it. That might be something shared, something one of you has wanted for ages or something for the kids - whatever. It's his attitude that is so nasty. HE is getting x, HE has decided to do stuff to the bathroom, she doesn't even get a say in it - to me that's just selfish and nasty. I don't get why (if it's bigger than bath towel size) anyone wouldn't want to share it with their partner, why they feel it's their money, how they could spend it all on themselves without discussing what the family needs or wants. But then I don't get separate finances, at all.

I think from your original post you abu about the ds but you anbu about the bonus/bathroom which would have me spitting fire at dh if he said that.

Our ds smashed the screen on my smart phone a few months ago and I struggled by with a crappy £15 one from Tesco until I was due an upgrade. It would never have occurred to me to suggest that it comes off the household bills.

From your other posts though op I do think that a broken ds is just a small part of a bigger problem.

Where does your dh poo??

Hmm, initially you do seem to be grabby, and a bit precious about the DS. BUT, having read the whole thread, I've changed my mind. You sound like you feel undervalued, and personally I think you're right. There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of cherishing you as an individual.

If having a DS is important to you, then accept it as a gift. But not the new bathroom. A bathroom is for everyone, unless it is your very own personal one. And a little chat with your DH about your value within the family wouldn't go amiss.

I posted my comment before the post about the baby being a present. And up to that bit sorry but that's how she came across.

However I do agree that if the baby got daddy a gift then daddy is a tight arse for not choosing one from the baby for mum.

As others have said it does seem to be more about your dh's general attitude. I can understand separate finances if both earning equally but if your a sahm then you have no income of your own because you are looking after his child/ren so he is going to work, you are looking after the children so both making an equal contribution. Therefor you should have equal access to all money and equal choice on spending it. He doesn't neccessarily have to ask you before spending money on himself but equally you should be able to spend money on yourself.

So when you need new clothes or your ds got broken you should have been able to buy yourself a replacement (assuming family finances allow). Any large expenses like the new bathroom should be decided on between you both but are definitely not some gift to you. Ditto new baby is not a gift to you. You shouldn't expect a gift when new baby came but if he was buying himself a gift to celebrate new baby then you should get one too. I can understand gifts for just the kids from new baby but not himself to and not you, that's just mean and thoughtless. Especially considering you're the one who's just given birth not him!

I don't care about the DS or the bathroom or any of that. However, if DH had bought himself and DC1 a present while I was in hospital then told me that the child I had spent 9 months growing and bought into the world in whichever painful and difficult way that was was my present, I would be buying a present out of my divorce settlement. Twunt.

What's wrong with the DS? Nintendo do repairs for £30/£55 (depending on how bad the problem is), they'll give you a free quote if you send it to them.

it's difficult re DS- depends how it broke, who did it etc. For example if one of the other children didit, then of course it should be replaced asap when it can be afforded, but if it was broken because the owner left it on the driveway, then obviously they don't desere a replacement as they are careless IYSWIM.

But the other issues?
Well- any bonus is family money, same as any other income, in my book.
And a bathroom is NEVER ever a present! HIBVU.

I think it's important that the new baby brings presents for the older siblings actually, but whether they need to cost £100... well that depends on how many children you have already... but I'm guessing the baby wasn't your 9th child! ]

It really seems like he's disregarding your position, and not treating you equally, sorry.

Chipping, agree that we are going to have to agree to disagree (or rather, agree to not have a clue what each other are going on about it!), and that, yes, so long as we are both happy with how our own finances work, then that's all that matters.

Incidently we did discuss updating bathroom and I did agree it was a good idea. Also discussed the gift for siblings but I indicated that a small gift would be a good idea. maybe £10 per dc.
Maybe an IPOD touch is the way to go although it doesn't really solve the attitude thing.
Tbh not sure he will ever change.