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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my mum if she won't get for 1 DC she shouldn't buy anything at all

659 replies

AnameIcouldnotthinkof · 23/11/2012 21:07

I will try to keep it short.
We have 4 DCs. 1 (DS) is adopted. Me and Dh adopted him 2 years ago he is now 5 and is a lovely boy and we love him as much as our other DCs. My mum has never been very accepting of DS she is civil to him but that's about it.

My mum doesn't have a lot of money but she insists on buying the DCs 'proper' christmas presents.
Anyway the first year that we had DS for christmas my mum wouldn't buy him anything. I let it go and thought she would realise soon enough that DS is a part of our family.
Last year she bought him a colouring book and some felt pens. Not as much as the other DCs but I thought it was a step in the right direction. I even thought that this would be the year that she spent the same on all the DCs.

She called me the other day and said that because she didn't have enough money she wasn't buying anything for DS this year. But she would spend the same as usual on the other DCs. I suggested that she could get them all something little instead. She got really shouty saying that I was making her neglect her 'blood' and my DCs will grow up and learn that we love our DS more than them. I denied this and hung up.
Since then she keeps texting me asking if she can just buy for the 3DCs, so far I have ignored her but I am fed up with this and so is DH. My mum has told the whole family that we love DS more than the others ect and I want to tell her too get lost.

SIL (my DBs wife) thinks that my mum 'may have a point' as DS is not blood so my mum shouldn't have to buy for him if she doesn't want too.

I am really upset by this and I have no idea if it is clouding my judgement. But I don't want DS to go his whole life thinking he is not a part of this family when to Me and DH and our other DCs and all of DH's family he is a part of our family and we are so glad he is here.

Anyway AIBU to have told her she should buy for all, or not at all?

OP posts:
GregBishopsBottomBitch · 04/01/2013 23:47

Aname I'd ignore them all, they obviously have no heart to accept this little boy, so why should the get the benefit of seeing your DC's.

scifigeek · 05/01/2013 01:09

I was adopted as my parents thought they couldn't have children and they then went on to have surprise bio kids a few years later (a very common scenario). There were certain relatives who made a distinction and loved the bio kids more. it was very painful.

You are doing the right thing and are brilliant.

HildaOgden · 05/01/2013 01:18

Having read all this...and your bio familys' reaction and behaviour...I believe that your adopted son is a bigger gift that you could ever have wished for.Through him becoming a part of your real family (the one your dh and you have created,by birth or adoption),you have realised exactly how toxic your own bio family is.

Thank God your kids (any of them) won't be surrounded by them as they grow up.You should feel very,very proud of yourself for ending up such a decent human being,considering the other members of your 'original' family.

Your long term future will be so much happier without them.Weather whatever storm brews up in the short-term,and then leave them to stew in their own toxic juices.It truly is their loss,not yours.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 05/01/2013 01:52

They say blood is thicker than water, well so is yoghurt, blood stains, water doesnt, your DM and DB need a few lessons, in compassion.

pigletmania · 05/01/2013 07:49

Your brothers attitude says it al, like mother like son. I would have nought to do with them so spreading their toxic influences. I wuld not tell your dcs but stay on top of the situation. Tey are still very little (5 year olds) they might not take it too well at this stage

prettybird · 05/01/2013 18:01

HildaOgden puts it beautifully. :)

forgetmenots · 05/01/2013 23:24

Agree with Hilda. You have done a wonderful and courageous thing OP, you only have to have a look at the stately homes thread to see the devastation families like this can cause, and you have been very firm and clear, whilst giving others the chance to see the error of their ways. Your DH and DCs will be very proud of you indeed.

pigletmania · 06/01/2013 08:38

Your mum and brother should read the article about coleene Rooney who recently lost her little sister who was adopted by her family. The love for this little girl from this family is winderful, and she referred to Rosie as her sister no adopted sister as it should be.

pigletmania · 06/01/2013 08:47

Really Aname you need to e mail the link for this thread to your brother and mum

HildaOgden · 06/01/2013 13:05

I think you should keep a copy of this thread for down the line...if your children ever want to know what happened with your bio family,show this to them.And show them how horrified we all are at your families' behaviour.

Squitten · 06/01/2013 14:44

I don't think you should send your brother any further response about this. As I said previously, if you want this to stop you must DISENGAGE. It doesn't matter what he tells anyone and you can't change his mind for him. Your Mum is very likely using your brother as a conduit to agitate you now that you won't speak to her.

It's just tactics to keep you talking and so preserve some kind of connection. A wall of utter silence would send the strongest message possible.

Gay40 · 06/01/2013 15:47

Adding my voice of support to the rest. I'm a parent of a non-bio DD and people still think it's OK to mention that she's not really mine. Errrr, she is, thank you very much.
You have handled this in exactly the right way. Respect my family or don't be a part of it, is my motto.

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding · 06/01/2013 15:52

Squitten is spot-on op, this is what my mil does. She gets sil involved, dh speaks to her and it causes even more problems.
Don't divulge or discuss in front of other family members, they will only tell your dm what you have said iyswim.

Gay40 is right too, if she doesn't see your dd as 'family', don't see dm as 'family' either.
Don't waste time on toxic people, they will never change.

Original poster
AnameIcouldnotthinkof · 06/01/2013 20:31

I agree that 5 is too young to hear about this but I don't see what else we can do because my brother has told his DCs so the chances of it coming up at school is pretty high.
I'd rather me and DH tell them and try and explain it to them rather than going to school and being told ( probably a twisted version ) of what has gone on. Sad

OP posts:
pigletmania · 06/01/2013 21:37

Aname your between a rock and a hard place. Gosh it's hard breaking that to your dc, but I guess tey have given you no choice

SpecialAgentKat · 07/01/2013 04:10

Your brother is a monster. Seriously, seriously evil.

MammaTJ · 07/01/2013 04:42

At least you have the chance to explain it nicely and sensetively. Good luck!!

ProphetOfDoom · 07/01/2013 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 07/01/2013 18:45

Gosh at any age it must be hard that the person you see as Nanna doesn't love you but loves my xyz, that she got them Christmas presents but not you. How do you possibly explain that to a 5 year od without breaking his heart Sad

Original poster
AnameIcouldnotthinkof · 07/01/2013 19:47

We told them today
It was horrible Sad
They all looked so sad , they all agreed it was bad and they didn't want anything to do with my mum if she was mean about DS but it was horrid telling them so young.
I never want to see my brother again Angry

OP posts:
JustFabulous · 07/01/2013 19:49

You have done the right thing and have shown your children what "family" really means.

shewhowines · 07/01/2013 19:53

Bless them. You will be a stronger family by sticking together on this one.

Original poster
AnameIcouldnotthinkof · 07/01/2013 19:57

I hope so. It was just so heart-breaking to watch their little faces, and it's my family so I feel very responsible for it all.

OP posts:
Peka · 07/01/2013 20:00

Ah this is just so awful. Such a terrible and unnecessary situation - i can't even imagine what you are all going through right now and feel a little shy chipping in at this late stage. But you have to stick to your guns because your DS will always remember this and if you let your mum/brother back in now he will always feel a little less. They have painted themselves into an impossible corner - nothing less than an abject apology to HIM (preferably face down on the ground, eating their own shoe or something more disgusting) would do it. So they've lost you, all your lovely children and your husband in one fell swoop. And you do sound like the kind of people that make the world a better place, so their world will be the poorer without you.

allibaba · 07/01/2013 20:15

Aname my heart goes out to you and your family, you've been through so much.

My DH and I have been watching this thread in disbelief (DH is adopted, has known as long as he can remember) and cannot believe the behaviour of your extended family.

I can only echo what others have said about staying strong and keeping your lovely little family away from these toxic toxic people. You have carried yourself with such dignity through this and your children will thank you for ensuring that these lunatics are not allowed anywhere near them becuase that level of toxicity seeps in to everything and makes everyone elses lives horrible. Good luck xx