To say if you don't want to bf then fine but don't lie that you can't

[Lily1986]

A friend is ff her baby son. She tried to bf but gave up after a few days. Privately she told me that she didn't like having to bf and wanted her dh to share the load. To everyone else she is saying that she didn't produce enough milk and is seeking sympathy from others that her body wasn't able to provide for her baby. Really laying it on thick.

I really don't have a problem with how anyone chooses to feed their baby.

AIBU to feel angry at this friend trying to make people feel sorry for her?

[wheresmespecs]

Sorry, but if we are talking sympathy...

The overwhelming evidence is that when new mothers are surrounded by friends and family who have not bf-ed but ff-ed, they will very quickly stop bf-ing too - EVEN IF THEY DESPERATELY WANT TO.

When new mothers are in a society where bf-ing is seen as more normal, is more widespread, and peers are more knowledgeable about it, they are MORE LIKELY TO CONTINUE THEMSELVES.

Why are some posters here judging women who stop bf-ing as being stupid, or easily influenced? For believing other mothers when they are not telling thr truth? New mothers can be exhausted and emotionally vulnerable - of course the opinions and support of friends and family matter, and if they are badly informed about bf, they will pass on that bad information.

to blame new mothers for listening to other people, or paying attention to 'bad advice', when they don't know it's bad - that's just bitchy.

I could easily say to all women who ff to stop getting their knickers in a twist - to calm down, stop being aggressive, why do you care what other people think, or what you imagine they might think? ff women are grown ups, aren't they? Only they are responsible for how they feel. And so on.

The reason I don't say that is that I accept that feeding your baby is a complex and emotional issue, and when feelings run deep, just blaming those women for how they feel REALLY doesn't help.

[WorraLiberty]

Why spam?

Why not just accept as an adult that not everyone agrees with your POV?

[MrsHelsBels74]

I think some women, myself included, feel judged for FF because they judge themselves & feel guilty for not BF.

And please one of the self-proclaimed BF experts tell me what I could have done differently with DS1, I'd really love to know.

[MorrisZapp]

Of course its ok to lie about medical matters. The truth is a matter for the individual and their doctor.

I'm on anti depressants myself, but I don't generally tell people that. When pregnant women ask me about childbirth, I lie and make out that it wasn't that bad.

My mum believes wholeheartedly in homeopathy and alternative medicine.

Luckily we all have doctors of our own, so our friends and relatives are free to spout as they wish.

[wheresmespecs]

Mrshelsbels - yes, I do see what you describe in some ff mothers, and it's really sad. I think when women project their own guilt onto others, imagine and invent all sorts of hostile responses and then get angry about it, it's just an impossible and miserable situatiom.

[Lambzig]

So i should disclose my medical condition and medication to all and sundry (and worry family) just so future or current bf mothers dont get the idea its hard? I dont think so.

Agree people do feel guilty for not bf. I do and knew i wouldnt be able to before i got pregnant. (have had a friend of a friend say to me that i shouldnt have got pg if i knew i couldnt bf).

Going to step away from this thread as not good for me.

[WorraLiberty]

[fromparistoberlin]

Its silly arguing this on here

FACT (hehe) MN is incredibly pro BF, its not the norm in RL
FACT, lots of people that struggledf with it feel even worsem, as MN is so pro BF


the only people in RL that asked me about BF were midwives, in fact with DS1 I naively assumed everyone BF, oh how wrong I was......

[wheresmespecs]

btw - I don't think it ok, morriszapp, to routinely 'lie about medical matters' - and to place the entire burden of finding out the 'truth' onto an individual who may be very vulnerable and not feel confident abut trusting their own judgements is hugely unrealistic.

I have, btw, seen a friend with severe depression suffer badly and get into a near suicidal situation because of shit advice from another friend about how 'bad' antidepressants were. I've been depressed myself, I was sharing my experience and encouraging her to at least talk to a doctor and try them under close supervision etc - but the other, very forceful, friend, who was in any close closer to her, kept telling her she's be tranquillised, turned into a 'zombie' and a drug addict etc.

It was an awful situation - and I'm sorry, but taking the view that if my depressed friend had only got briskly onto Google and jolly well found out the facts for herself! doesn't get us anywhere.

[MainlyMaynie]

I do think people should think carefully about adding to breastfeeding myth creation. But then it's understandable people don't want to get into discussions about this stuff with other people when there's so much emotion around it.

MrsHelsBels74 My DS also had severe jaundice and a nasal tube for feeding in special care. I actually had oversupply! Jaundiced babies get sleepy and don't feed so much and they really can't be bothered to deal with oversupply. We were lucky that the special care unit helped me with expressing until we established breastfeeding.

[missymoomoomee]

Worra I think you will be left wondering. Its amazing how many people kick off a ff/bf debate and then fuck off.

[MrsHelsBels74]

I don't think I had oversupply, as I didn't have any leakage or engorged breasts. When I tried pumping I barely got anything, even the nurses in the hospital commented on it. I accept things aren't always as they seem though.

[BeanieStats]

I appreciate this is MN where no one is even allowed to hint they may find others choices a bit suspect, but the thing is, BF children, in just about every metric have better outcomes than FF children.

So, when people say they stopped / didn't BF "because they want their boobs back" or something equally tedious and selfish, I do judge. Just as I judge people who smoke during pregnancy or think its okay to do a few lines of coke on the weekend.

Sue me.

[Idocrazythings]

soverylucky what you said is all well and good for the individual, but so many women say things like that and they are making breastfeeding into some thing much harder than it has to be. Yes, there are a few women who physically can not produce milk, but the lack of breast feeding in our community is due to so many more reasons than milk production and a big one is the way women talk about it amongst themselves, in their families, with friends and do not give each other enough support.


If you think about it, if you breastfeeding your baby for 6months and you live to the age of 75 that means it is 1.45% of your life devoted to breast feeding. Is it really that long a time in the span of your life??

[MrsHelsBels74]

Ido no it's not a huge percentage of your life span but at the time it feels like forever.

[threesocksmorgan]

yabu
if she told people the reason she told you, she would get a hard time,
she is sensible and saving herself that.

[MorrisZapp]

Yippee! Thanks beanie. You openly compared ff to smoking and taking cocaine. And called is selfish and tedious.

Our work here is complete.

[fedupofnamechanging]

How can you be sure that it is the bf which results in better outcomes for those children? Surely there are so many other factors which influence outcomes, such as social and economic background, genetics, that it must be impossible to be certain.

Also what about children who were mix fed - where do they fall?

[MorrisZapp]

Ps, even the friend who mentioned zombie-hood urged me to see my doctor and to be honest about my feelings.

Anyone who didn't do that would be no friend at all.

[WorraLiberty]

I'm not sure Missy but I've covered my breasts in tin foil just incase....

[LadyBeagle]

I ff and smoked though I did cut down hugely.
My 6 foot ds17 is never ill, he's very clever, in fact pretty much damn perfect.
Oh and I think I weaned when he was about 3 months, though I don't really remember.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

I stopped BF DS1 after a few days as I could feel myself sliding into depression (a condition I have had in the past). I made a judgment that DS1 would benefit more from having a mum on a evenish keel than from BF. FF allowed me to get more rest and for DH to take a bit more of the burden. I am sure I gave people some fairly woolly reasons for stopping rather than turning around and giving them a detailed breakdown of my MH at the time.