To say if you don't want to bf then fine but don't lie that you can't

[Lily1986]

A friend is ff her baby son. She tried to bf but gave up after a few days. Privately she told me that she didn't like having to bf and wanted her dh to share the load. To everyone else she is saying that she didn't produce enough milk and is seeking sympathy from others that her body wasn't able to provide for her baby. Really laying it on thick.

I really don't have a problem with how anyone chooses to feed their baby.

AIBU to feel angry at this friend trying to make people feel sorry for her?

There are mountains of evidence that show the benefits to both child and mother from BF in the short and long term. Mountains. Pages of the stuff. I didn't realise this was even in question nowadays.

BF is the single best thing you can do for your child.

Choosing not to BF "because you want your boobs" or some other vacuous reason is tedious and is selfish and yes, is on par with smoking while pregnant and a host of other things that really aren't very good.

If you care so little for your child you're not prepared to inconvenience yourself for as little as six months then why bother having kids in the first place?

Whats that you say - mountains of evidence? Pages of the stuff?

Worra I think we caught a live one

I suppose that's something you should ask my ds Beanie.
He loves me to bits.
And at 17 he would probably look at you like this .

I work with new mums and in my role it is absolutely not for me to judge how they decide to breastfeed.

The 2 most common reasons for stopping breastfeeding that I hear are milk supply (lack of) or DH wanting to help/mum wanting DH to help.

I have never encountered someone who gave up due to lack of milk supply whose story is that they went from exclusive breastfeeding to stopping due to lack of milk. The story always involves introducing a bottle of formula first that led to a lack of demand and therefore supply. If I work with someone who is considering introducing a bottle so that dad, grandparents etc can have a go I can pretty much anticipate that within the next 3 weeks breastfeeding will have stopped due to a lack of supply.

My thoughts on getting the dad involved is that there is plenty a man can do that doesn't involve feeding e.g. nappy changing, taking care of baby when he gets home from work. If the feeding element is a deal breaker then the mum could express and that milk be given to the baby straight away so that her breast is still experiencing the correct demand and supply.

I do feel that mums who say they stopped BFing due to a lack of supply without explaining what they did to hinder the demand do lead to the assumption that supply issues are very common and that BFing is going to be difficult. I remember myself saying to a MW that I would 'try' to breastfeed but my expectation was that I would fail because I 'knew' it would be so hard - and that was because my friends had not told me the truth of their experiences.

BeanieStats

BF is the single best thing you can do for your child

er no
Not living in a developing country with a contaminated water supply and no medical care is better for your child than BF

Not living a war zone is better for your child than BF

Not being a substance abuser is better for your child than BF

All other things being equal BF is better than FF but how often are all other things equal?

I should add in my case

Being able to stop a slide into serious depression was better for my child than BF.

Single best thing you can do for your child?

Hahahahahahaha

i never got any sympathy that i hardly produced any milk i got more along the lines that i do and i should keep trying

but saying that openly saying that you do not want to bf is such a big no no and many will critcise her so i do not blame her really

i do not in any way feel offended that she is saying this i would imagine she does feel guilty in some way and really she has no need to

How old are your children Beanie?

OP, YANBU if she is laying it on thick, i.e. really expecting a lot of sympathy from people. IMO she should just say she tried but it didn't work out, or she found it too difficult. No shame in that. There's no need for her to keep going on about it.

I wonder what happens if you snort SMA?

morris - I actually wish that women would talk openly about finding bf-ing hard or impossible if that is their experience, I really do. I think from having bf-ed and been around a lot of new mums doing all kinds of feeding that a common theme is that we just weren't prepared for the reality of bf-ing, and how hard it can be (even if you don't have any particular big problems).

Of course we should hear about the benefits and pluses - but I think a lot of women felt they were experiencing a uniquely hard time with bf-ing because they were expecting an overly rosy version of it.

But someone choosing to lie about their supply isn't an honest sharing of experience. It's the opposite.

And unfortunately, someone peddling the line that anti depressants turn you into a zombie etc isn't necessarily 'knowingly giving biased information' - my friend's friend was absolutely convinced she was right and it was her 'duty' to stop her very depressed friend from taking tablets. I still don't know how I could have combatted that conviction.

I don't blame people for telling a lie about it. I'm quite judgey myself and think why should somebody choose not to breastfeed when it is a fact that breastfeeding is much better for the baby. Even if they only do it for a few weeks. To deliberately choose not to when all the benefits are known is quite selfish I think. Why would people not want to do the best for their child.

What MrsHelsBels said to Beanie.

cross posts galore - noseynoonoo, your post is really pertinent - EVERY mother I know who got into genuine problems with supply bf-ing fed formula very early on. The 'go on, just give them a bottle of formula at bedtime, I do, everyone else does' attitude around here is endemic.

I think if mothers CHOOSE to feed formula early on knowing it is very likely to affect their supply, and might lead to the end of bf-ing quickly, then that's one thing. Someone else feeding formula and not realising it could cause them problems is something else.

btw, I know a few women who found bf-ing overwhelming in the early days (being constantly on demand, feeding a lot at night etc) and having fed a few bottles, realised that it gave them a break and they could leave the baby with other people etc - and so they stopped bf-ing.

I think they might have felt better in the long run if they had got through those tough early days (cos it generally does get easier!) - but it's also possible/likely that actually, what they did, for them, was fine and the best thing when you look at the whole picture. Which I never knew, although I was close to them. I bf-ed 100 percent, but always said that if the sleep deprivation got so hellish (it was pretty bad) and I either felt I was heading for depression or a breakdown, I would think again and try formula.

I didn't have to but still think that was reasonable as an approach.

I agree, specs. I wish that the potential negative sides of bf were much more openly discussed too. However, that runs counter to the whole undermining confidence thing that many on here are passionate about.

I feel fine telling my family and friends how much I utterly hated bf. They are all educated MC types who will bf regardless of my experiences. It would be a different matter if I approached random teenage girls on the bus and said it to them.

Re the anti depressants, again I agree. My SIL loves me dearly, and told me the zombie thing for my own good. But she also urged me to see the doctor. Seeing the doctor is the only truly good advice anyone can give. And of course, I did see the doctor.

Just to clarify I wouldn't judge anybody who tried but couldn't manage at least they tried. Also I wouldn't say anything to them as it wouldn't be my business. But I would think somebody who chose not to breastfeed for no good reason was selfish.

I had cysts on my milk ducts so couldn't bf and have spent over 40 years worrying that my dc didn't get the best possible start.
6 and a half years ago I got invasive ductal breast cancer possibly caused by the annual treatment to deal with the cysts.Some people really cant bf and they care-a lot.

Yes OP, yabu. It has sod all to do with you, and I feel sorry for your friend who trusted you only for you to take to the internet with her confidences.

As for those of you who think OP's friend is putting other women off breast feeding, well Soverylucky has dealt superbly with you. But still, there is something you could do to help. Given that we know many ff women worry about being judged, you could more usefully spend your time sticking the boot into the more obnoxious and judgemental lactivists amongst us. If there were no stigma to giving up bf, nobody would feel the need to lie about it.

Agree with people saying she probably didn't want to open herself up to criticism by admitting she just didn't want to bf.

Vivienne, that's such a crap position. Either ff is selfish or it isn't.

The baby doesn't know why its mother chooses bf/ff, does it?

If we accept that ff is perfectly ok when bf not possible, we must accept that its ok full stop.