To say if you don't want to bf then fine but don't lie that you can't

[Lily1986]

A friend is ff her baby son. She tried to bf but gave up after a few days. Privately she told me that she didn't like having to bf and wanted her dh to share the load. To everyone else she is saying that she didn't produce enough milk and is seeking sympathy from others that her body wasn't able to provide for her baby. Really laying it on thick.

I really don't have a problem with how anyone chooses to feed their baby.

AIBU to feel angry at this friend trying to make people feel sorry for her?

Perhaps OP, you should instead aim your anger towards the fact that there is so much pressure on women to breastfeed and so many judgemental people ready to 'tut tut' at those who don't, that your friend felt the need to lie to people about it in the first place.

She felt able to confide in you so try being supportive, as she obviously didn't feel able to confide in these other friends and thought they would be critical of her!

Also, if she only tried for a few days and had no advice it could be she genuinely believes that she didn't have enough if she was only getting colostomone (or however you spell it!)

And placing the responsibility of promoting bf onto new mothers who hate bf is frankly odd, cruel, and beyond judgy.

Drip feed. How dare you say your friends are victims. Patronising twaddle.

Those reasons might not be mutually exclusive you know - just because she has told you one thing and someone else another doesn't mean they're not both true, but that she feels free enough to admit the less-saintly reasons to you.

I'm giving up BFing, I've lasted 7 weeks today. There are a number of reasons: I want my boobs back, I would also like DH to share the load, I also don't like it much, it's a hassle being out in public and trying to find somewhere especially as a first time mum, I can't fit in any of my old clothes except maternity ones due to giant rock hard melons, I hate nursing bras and bloody lansinoh has stained some of my favourite big snuggly tops. These are the reasons I will only tell my closest friends BUT I also have a condition that makes it very painful and the medication gives me horrible side effects and in all honesty I get so little sleep as it is I can't be arsed with more pain getting in the way of sleeping. This is the reason I give my less close friends/other people because it makes me look better. I feel tremendous guilt over giving up; it's almost worse since I found the medication and discovered how easy it can be, but now feels like I'm giving up for "just" a headache, though its a vicious headache that won't be tamed by paracetamol or ibuprofen and that keeps me up at night when DS has gone to sleep, and that's sleep I can ill afford to lose.

But imo they're all good enough reasons to quit. It's a tough time. Based on my experience, I could believe that your friend has probably felt that there are enough small reasons combined to feel compelled to quit, rather than one big reason she is lying about. She's probably telling the truth about all of them, though is more careful who she tells the more-judgeable ones to. Except you've just gone and judged her.

At the end of the day as long as baby is happy, warm, safe and fed it doesn't matter a damn in the long run. I know this, rationally, but I still need to convince myself of it

Soverylucky... best post ever. Here, have half of my maltesers xx

What soverylucky said.

Could it be she actually did struggle and just wanted to make out it was a choice at first because she was upset?
She shouldn't feel the need to lie, but don't judge her unless you know her reasons 100%, maybe she changed what she told people after a judgemental comment

morris there are plenty of examples of commonly held misconceptions out in the world...urban myths etc. A lot of people believe a lot of things that are not at all true in reality. If everyone took responsibility for check the validity of every piece of information they received then the world would be a much different place...and none of the people who undermined my confidence would have thought such things themselves let alone passed them on.

In a rumour mill the people spreading the rumours have at least as much if not more responsibility for the ensuing chaos as those that listen in good faith not realising that it is rumour they are hearing....

soverylucky.
Brilliant post.

Could it be she actually did struggle and just wanted to make out it was a choice at first because she was upset?
She shouldn't feel the need to lie, but don't judge her unless you know her reasons 100%, maybe she changed what she told people after a judgemental comment

outraged - yes, I recognise a lot in that account.

echt why not victims? They wanted to continue feeding and where perfectly able to do so. But didn't because of the mis-information that had been spread.

YANBU
Rubbish like that discourages others from trying to give BFing a proper chance.

OP hasn't been back. Quelle surprise.

I'm not making judgements, and I'm not medically trained.

People should feed how they want to, and I would absolutely never question how anyone feeds their baby, their child, or themselves. I just have a much easier time with people who say "I am too lazy to cook, so I buy ready meals", than people who say " I can't afford to cook from scratch".

I tell my music students to say "I didn't practise this week because I didn't want to (or I had other things I preferred to do)", rather than "I was too busy to practise."

I do loads of things which aren't great just because I choose to do them. I try to admit this to myself and to other people when appropriate.

If your friend said: "I know it's probably healthier for my child to breastfeed, but I couldn't deal with having all that responsibility, and I didn't like the feeling of it." I would think that was completely fine, and wouldn't dream of judging.

I also think it would be completely fine for your friend not to talk about her feeding choices.

I'm prepared to admit I might be wrong about most people being able to breastfeed, but I would like to see some research about what percentage of healthy, well-nourished mothers in societies with no access to formula are unable to feed their babies. I'm sure there would be some, but I imagine it would be a small percentage.

When I had DS1 I knew there was the possibility that I, like any other mum, might have problems BF. My son at 5 days old was hospitalised due to severe jaundice because he was dehydrated BECAUSE HE WASN'T GETTING ENOUGH MILK. He ended up with a nasogastric tube in & I will never, ever forget that. I had severe PND so couldn't eat so I feel like it's my fault. I ended up on a high dose of antidepressants & told by my GP/CPN not to BF.

With DS2 I was traumatised by what happened with DS1 & didn't have the confidence to BF after a week. Again down to me, not anyone else. I tend to just say it 'didn't work out' without going into details.

I couldn't give a flying fuck what reason anyone else gives for FF & whether they're telling the truth or not.

sov ahhh I see so lying is only bad if it isn't about BF - when it is automatically fine!

My mistake

YY, what claraschu just said

Aah sorry for the 3 posts, my phone seems to have decided to repost each time i clicked back!

perhaps she doesn't want others to tell her she is feeding her baby poison and a terrible mother, a bit extreme obviously but some people will look down on a ff parent as doing what is best for them , she shouldn't lie of course but tbh i dont blame her these days people are very critical of how people feed their babies,

clara no you are totally correct that the vast majority of women can physically breast feed. BFing rates are above 99% in some countries so it is sort of impossible to argue otherwise....although some people always do...

I dont blame her for lying, the way you're reacting to it! No wonder she doesn't to tell people the actual (totally legit btw) reason she doesn't BF her baby.

Also I doubt she is actually seeking sympathy. I didn't when I decided not to BF for mt own different reasons. (Couldn't manage it simply because I hated it.) I wanted to drop the subject and move on. I bet she does too. SO sad that people make how others feed their babies their business despite it not affecting them!

I love the idea that people would lie about not being able to breastfeed, not because she is worried about people's reactions but, because she wants to get attention and sympathy from other friends. She's just had a baby.....I'm pretty sure she would be getting lots of attention anyway!