To say if you don't want to bf then fine but don't lie that you can't

[Lily1986]

A friend is ff her baby son. She tried to bf but gave up after a few days. Privately she told me that she didn't like having to bf and wanted her dh to share the load. To everyone else she is saying that she didn't produce enough milk and is seeking sympathy from others that her body wasn't able to provide for her baby. Really laying it on thick.

I really don't have a problem with how anyone chooses to feed their baby.

AIBU to feel angry at this friend trying to make people feel sorry for her?

By the way - if someone was ff-ing and said 'yes, I know this is not as good nutritionally and in terms of immunity as bf - but I hated every minute of it and it was making me so miserable I couldn't enjoy my baby' - would anyone have a problem with that?

i think some basic compassion and empathy would go a long way here. Better that by far than denying scientific fact about the benefits of bf-ing. That's not going to help anyone.

wheresmespecs - very well said, I couldn't agree more.

I wouldn't have a problem with that wheres.

Op tell your friends that parenthood is a marathon not a race.

There's so much much more important things to come and breast feeding or formula feeding is a tiny tiny part of your child's life.

You need to stop comparing your approaches, get babysitters and go out and get rat faced.

Oh and to add if you are bf and get rat faced chances are baby will sleep through... ( or perhaps best express).

visual yes I'm sure she did know about colostrum. I think it was just harder than she expected but I'm sure she could've bf if she had given it a few more days.

It's still none of your business OP.

YANBU/YABU.

there are some very militant breastfeeders that can make anyone who wasn't earth mother feel like crap. If people weren't so critical of everything mothers did it would make life a lot easier.

but I agree lying is wrong.

There's a section specifically for this boring shit you know, precisely because most people find it either incredibly boring/sanctimonious/provocative whatever.

You shouldn't have a problem anyway, it shouldn't matter why someone didn't bf.

What a horrible group of friends you have if you all sit about critisising/praising feeding choices. Its got nothing to do with anyone else. I can see exactly why your friend lied.

She should really say that she didn't want to BF I agree. BUT she is probably quite hormonal and not up explaining it to everyone.

You do know that on 5 years time, no onr is going to give a flying fuck how you each fes your babies, right? We're at 11 months now, and the conversations about feeding and nappies are long finished. I think people just ask about how you feed, simply to have something to say (tiny babies are lovely, but quite dull). You are all being a bit U, her for caring what others might think, and you for pretending not to judge when you do seem to be judging.

I do think people do this, but not to make people sorry for them but because the pressure to bf is huge. They feel they have to justify their decision and for many people saying they simply don't want to is not good enough. Maybe your friend tried this tactic and found herself on the receiving end of criticism?

I remember there was one girl in our NHS antenatal group who didn't bf. She had a hugely difficult birth ending in an EMC and a combination of recovering from that and a lot of difficulties with latching etc resulting in her mix feeding for a few days and them stopping bf entirely. The first time we met up after the birth she launched into a long explanation of why she wasn't bf. I felt extremely sorry that she felt she had to do that and perhaps thought I may be critical of her. Ironically, after the rest of the group stopped bf at around 5 months, I found myself on the other side too having to explain why I was still bf. I also felt I had to lie, using bottle refusing as my explanation when in fact it was simply because I wanted to.

I feel YABU and quite harsh on your friend OP. People lie for a host of reasons, but very rarely to garner sympathy (IME anyway).

I have never had a discussion in RL where someone's choices or otherwise have been questioned. Yet there are always so many on here.

the only time there has been discussion about it is where friends/acquaintances have wanted to BF and not been able to for whatever reason, and have felt sad about it.

I strongly that there is not enough support to support people to bf.

I also feel strongly that there is not enough information, widely enough known, to allow people to make informed decisions about bfing or otherwise.

For every post I've read MN here denying scientific facts about the benefits of breastfeeding, there's been another overstating them. Bf is certainly better for the health than ff (assuming all else is equal, obv not if eg mother has HIV, is taking crack, hates doing it so much that she ends up not feeding the baby properly because she can't cope, is on medication that would harm baby etc). However, in a Western country with access to proper hygiene facilities, following all preparation guidelines and being scrupulous about cleanliness, the benefits become much less significant. FF is good enough, in these circumstances. If there were not an adequate alternative available, no doubt more ff mothers would bf, but there is.

So while we're on the subject of feeling sorry, I feel sorry for babies with mothers who are so poorly informed and sanctimonious that they don't get this. It must be awful to be so needy that you need to validate your choices by congratulating yourself for your feeding choices on the internet. That's got to have an impact on your parenting. I'm glad my DC won't have to deal with that. Sadface for the DCs of several posters on this thread alone...

TailTwister that girl in your antenatal class could have been me, I went through the same with DS1 and apart from getting over the shock of an EMC, I then got a serious internal infection so anyone who made me feel bad about stopping BF really upset me.

Scaredy, there is information overload on feeding its getting ridiculous.

Just do what suits you and your baby and don't explain or apologise as its your baby your body so your business.

First post on MN?

Oh, welcome then....

So while we're on the subject of feeling sorry, I feel sorry for babies with mothers who are so poorly informed and sanctimonious that they don't get this. It must be awful to be so needy that you need to validate your choices by congratulating yourself for your feeding choices on the internet. That's got to have an impact on your parenting. I'm glad my DC won't have to deal with that. Sadface for the DCs of several posters on this thread alone

Well said

Well said flangellina, wise words.

YaNbu at all. An extremely high precentage of mums will produce enough milk to bf with perseverance - over 95%, but it takes perseverance and TIME. Supply can take many many weeks to establish so I wish women who choose not too and haven't been medically diagsnosed as not having enough milk wouldn't keep saying they didn't have enough milk. I personally feel that if a woman bf she should, but that's my view and of course others can think and do what they want - but that's my view.

But then those mothers who keep saying they didn't have enough milk (myself included) clearly didn't have enough if it takes perseverance and time to build it up again if it has significantly decreased. What are they supposed to do for the days/weeks that it takes to rebuild a supply? It is distressing to feel that your baby is hungry and uncomfortable while you are waiting for milk supply to increase (which it may or may not do).

As I said up thread, my hv said to go to bed for a few days and just eat and feed - personally I think my baby was happier getting a bottle of formula and not waiting for my supply to increse for however long that may have taken.

If you believe that supply can take many weeks to establish you should have a little more understanding of why some women decide they don't want to wait that long. Some people worry that theyre not producing enough in the beginning. Who are you to say they should persevere if they feel that way.

I get so fed up with the people saying everyone can breastfeed, that if it doesn't work it is because you couldn't be bothered to keep trying.

With my son I never managed to get him to latch on, not even once. I had a midwife or breastfeeding support person with me each time and no one could get him to latch on, he would just turn his head away.

This is likely because there was no milk, I attempted to express milk for him but it wasn't possible to get any. I also have inverted nipples which doesn't help.

Each time the recommended advice after every attempt to breast feed failed was to give him a medicine cup full of formula, which I did. Eventually we switched to bottles because it wasn't working, he was miserable and screamed constantly. He had to be removed from the ward because he was causing such a disturbance. It was listed in his notes that baby was 'hungry and distressed'.

I am due again in a few weeks, this time I have some 'nipple formers' to deal with the inverted nipple thing, some nipple shields, a suction cup thing which is also supposed to help. I also have a breast pump.

I have sought support and advice during my pregnancy and asked what I can take to improve milk supply but all I seem to get told is everyone can breast feed if they try hard enough. Since I already know that is crap I am not hopeful.

I think this time the best outcome I can hope for it to be able to produce some expressed breast milk with the breast pump which baby will be able to have as well as formula.

Still I am sure everyone will assume I was too lazy to try and secretly wanted to use bottles all along.