Or are they?

[toofattorun]

My sister (34) is engaged and my mum (68) has offered to pay for the wedding.
Now, I don't like her fiancé and thought that he has accepted my mums offer to pay for the entire wedding a bit too quickly.
My mum had also helped my sister out with £80k for a deposit on her flat which was about half of what she paid for it. The fiancé has moved in with my sister so is paying about £200 a month on the mortgage and I told my mum to wait and see how much the fiancé was offering to pay before she jumped in and paid for the whole wedding.
He also booked a very expensive holiday a few weeks before he proposed which indicated to me that he had no intention of paying for the whole wedding.

Anyway, I thought he was using my sister to an extent, because he was financially better off with her.

I asked my mum to hold off and wait and see how much he was offering to pay before she offered to pay for all of it but when I told her this, she accused me of being jealous of her giving my sister the £80k for her flat and that I was always jealous of this.

The only reason why I said to hold off was because she has worked hard all her life and I was worried that she was going to have to work even harder and take on more jobs to pay for the wedding but she has turned it around and thrown it back in my face.

We are currently not talking because I can't believe she would think so little of me and think my concern for her is jealousy.

My husband and friends are baffled that she has said this to me and know that I am not jealous and never have been about anyone and I don't want to scrounge off anyone.

What would you do or say to your mother who thinks so little of you?

I would not make any effort to communicate unless she contacted me first with an apology. But I am quite stubborn so it's not necessarily the right thing to do.

Does your sister know?.

She isn't the type to apologise. That's what makes me think this will never be resolved.

I think if she doesn't have the ready cash to pay for the wedding then she is crazy.
Did she pay for your wedding? or help you out with debt?
I suppose if she has then it is not your concern. However your gut instinct is telling you that the boyfriend is bad news and you are probably right.

I'd write to her and say something like "I'm sorry and hurt that you think so little of me that you would believe......., .... I hope that we can move on from this and I won't be interferring in whatever money decisions you make in future, I love you and don't want to be at odds with you over a misunderstanding"

Have you had 80k too?

If not you have every right to be angry, it's horrendous when one child is favoured over the other.

Even if you were 'jealous' of the 80k you would be within your rights if your mum has not set aside the same for you.

My parents would never give any of us something the others would not get too.

You don't like your future BIL.
Does your DSis know?
Agree he sounds only too happy to let your mum carry the financial burden. But if your mum is hellbent on paying, that's her affair. I won't ask if she contributed to your own Big Day. You know you're not jealous, but this has all the makings of a huge uproar. Whenever the wedding's set, hope you can make up with your mum by then. If you dislike DSis's fiance that much is he worth falling out with your parent?

She told my sister what I said about her fiancé but she didn't know that I already told my sister that she shouldn't expect a pensioner to pay for all of her wedding. Even if that pensioner is her mother.

My mum also tried slagging me off to my husband (saying what's up with "x", why is she bringing up the fact that I gave her sister £80k I offered her the money and she refused it". Trying to imply that I was jealous.

DH told her that I didn't give a shit about the flat or her money and that I was concerned about her and having to work more when they should offer to pay for it themselves. He also said it was a bit strange that he booked a £7,000 holiday to go on a few months before the wedding which indicated that he was assuming that she was paying.

My mother then went and told my sister that DH said that. What was she going to achieve by telling her this?

My mother hasn't given me £80 but she paid about 70% of my wedding.

I don't care that she hasn't given me money, she has offered to give me money to extend my house. The point is that I haven't taken it because I don't want her money. I am a grown up and don't need my mother paying for my stuff.

All I told her was to hold off and wait and see how much the fiancé would offer to pay. I made it clear that it had nothing to do with giving money to my sister. I said I didn't trust him 100% and there were things in the past that have happened that made me think he was taking the piss out of my sister. That's why I asked her to hold off and wait to see what he was bring to the table.

Sorry meant to say £80k, not £80.

Does she make a habit of playing you and your sister off against other? I used to know someone who did that, encouraging two people to slag each other off and then report back to the other whilst thriving off the drama she created.

I'd write you mum a letter and say you're sorry she thinks your motives are suspect but you're not asking her for anything and you're not jealous but you're trying to protect her and your sister. With a high percentage of marriages failing what you don't want to see is them breaking up and him taking half of her hard earned money. Say you don't want to interfere but it would be in your sister's interests to make sure the percentage she puts into the property is put on the mortgage or legal documents and that in the event of sale those proceeds are still her. Tell her it's what everyone does and you just wanted to make sure everyone is safeguarded. After that I'd leave it until maybe Christmas or the wedding and go along and act like nothing had happened. She can respond however she chooses - you'll have done your best.

So your Mums paying everything, the fiancé is paying nothing, what about your sister? Is she paying anything?

I know that she always takes my sisters side, regardless of whether she knows the back story or not. This is the first time that she has really obviously shit-stirred.

I can't believe she thinks I am jealous of a flat!? (I live in a four bedroom house btw) It just doesn't make sense. I probably sound like a right idiot, but it really really hurts that a mother could interpret concern for her as jealousy.

If I go to her house to try and convince her that I said what I did over concern not jealousy, I will come across as "protesting too much".

Once she is convinced of something that's it.

YABU for outing your concerns to your mother about your future DBIL based on nothing more than him booking a holiday - maybe he booked it 'cos he was confident of his future earnings, maybe he booked it 'cos he has the cash at hand for it and a wedding, maybe he booked it 'cos he a money grabbing arse - regardless it's none of your business.

YABU for being so worried about how your mother spends her money - or moaning about him only spending 200quid on the mortgage (you suggested it's only an 80k mortgage, 200 should be at least half so that would be fair share) You do sound very resentful that your sister accepts the money from your mother, and I'm afraid as you've written it sounds more like you do not want your mother spending the money she obviously has on your sister.

It sounds like you feel bad about taking money while she's alive, but want to protect your inheritance, as you've presented no grounds at all to be suspicous of future DBIL. So yes YABU all round. And sound money grabbing too.

FredFredGeorge - I can assure you that I don't care one iota about getting my mothers money. I cannot express that enough. What I do care about is that she thinks I am jealous when I am concerned for her having to work even more now when she should be enjoying her retirement.

toofattorun If you don't care, just butt out, it's none of your business what she does with her money. If you don't want her to think you're jealous - stop acting like you are and butt out of her and your sisters financial business. If you don't want it, then stop caring how she spends it.

She may well want an excuse not to retire - lots of people hate the idea of retiring.

I think I would try one more time and say that you have said your piece, its her money so its up to her how she spends it and wash your hands of it all.

Your mom sounds a bit of a trouble maker and drama queen.

Riiiiighto.

So you're sister has got engaged and is obviously over the moon. Your mum is obviously happy too.

And your reaction to the news is to kick off about money and say you think he is using your sister for money.

I think any person who reacts to the engagement of a sibling like that is bang out of order, particularly if you're going to start sticking your oar in trying to influence other people round to your way of thinking.

To be honest I think you owe your Mum and sister an apology, you shouldn't have spoilt this special time for her. You might not be jealous of her flat or the money buy you certainly sound like you're jealous that she has the attention directed on her at the moment.

How would you have felt if when you'd got engaged your sisters reaction had been to badmouth your intended to all the family and smear his character on very flimsy grounds?

Apologise and keep your mouth shut, it's your mother's business what she does with her money.

Right. so your mum offers to pay for your sister's wedding (which a lot of people of this sort of generation think it traditional after all). Presumably she is happy to do this, or she did, for example have the option to just pay for the reception or the cake or whatever. And your sister and fiance accept. And you warn her off doing so. Despite the fact she paid for most of YOUR wedding. Because her fiance didn't immediately say that he didn't want her money.

Incidentally my parents offered to pay for my wedding. DH thanked them and said they must allow us to pay for at least some things. My parents were deeply offended and took a very long time to come round - they said they thought we were throwing their kind gift back in their face. Actually, there genuinely isn't a way to turn down a gift without seeming ungrateful.

What would I say? I would say fine mum, it's your money and your right to do with it whatever you want. Just do not ever say even one word to me about it if you ever start to feel used. I don't want to hear you moan about it. I don't want to hear one word of complaint from you about the extra years you'll have to work and I don't want to hear you ever complain that you're short of cash. You make this choice - you live with it without ever trying to bring me into it, because I won't be interested in hearing about how it's bit you on the arse.

But I'm harsh You may not want to say anything that blunt.

Thing is, OP, it's your mum's money and her choice and to be frank, you don't get a say. It may be a foolish decision, but it's her right to make a foolish decision and unless she had asked you for your opinion on whether or not she should give it - you have no input here.

Hard, I know. She's your mum and you want to look out for her - even if, to the outsider, she doesn't sound like the nicest person in the world!

But you can't stop her from making whatever choice she wants. As long as she is mentally sound, she has the right to give it to your sister, to the Cat's Protection League or to the Project for the rehabilitation of drunken squirrels, if that's what she wants.

If this bloke is in it for the cash, this will become obvious in the end - if only at the point that the well is dry and he buggers off! - and all you can do then is be there emotionally for your sister.

Hecate @ rehabilitation of drunken squirrels!

I'm pleased that you understand where I am coming from. The conversation I had with my mum was about 2 minutes long. I was just worried about her.

The way she reacted really shocked me and I swore from that moment (to myself) that I would never say anything out of concern to her again because she has thrown it back in my face.

We were a very close family and she was always in my business telling me what to do and how to do it. I thought we could talk to each other.

She has shit-stirred a lot and I can't understand why she would do that.

Hecate - she didn't quibble about it when her mum was paying 80% for her wedding.

I'm just aghast that somebody who can react like this to a sibling getting married can accuse the mother of 'shit stirring' when it's quite clear that the OP has been stirring a huge cauldron of it herself.

I feel dreadfully sorry for her poor sister, every family has one though, somebody who has to turn every happy occasion for the rest of the family into a drama about, me, me, me.

What's even worse is it wasn't just her - she sent her husband down to complain about the situation too.

I can't imagine how awful it must be to have to deal with this sort of reaction from a sibling when you're getting married, it must be absolutely, monumentally hurtful.

Yes. But I get from her post that it isn't her mum paying for her sister's wedding that is worrying her.

It's this man that is worrying her. She fears he's got his eyes on the prize (and it aint her sister!)

I am getting the feeling that if she felt this man to be a genuine man who loved her sister and wanted to be her husband - she wouldn't be worried about this money. She'd be jumping up and down with joy for her sis getting hitched! and burying her face in bridal magazines But she thinks he's some sort of freeloader/con artist who is going into this with his hands outstretched.

If I feared that, I'd be worried too.