Or are they?

[toofattorun]

My sister (34) is engaged and my mum (68) has offered to pay for the wedding.
Now, I don't like her fiancé and thought that he has accepted my mums offer to pay for the entire wedding a bit too quickly.
My mum had also helped my sister out with £80k for a deposit on her flat which was about half of what she paid for it. The fiancé has moved in with my sister so is paying about £200 a month on the mortgage and I told my mum to wait and see how much the fiancé was offering to pay before she jumped in and paid for the whole wedding.
He also booked a very expensive holiday a few weeks before he proposed which indicated to me that he had no intention of paying for the whole wedding.

Anyway, I thought he was using my sister to an extent, because he was financially better off with her.

I asked my mum to hold off and wait and see how much he was offering to pay before she offered to pay for all of it but when I told her this, she accused me of being jealous of her giving my sister the £80k for her flat and that I was always jealous of this.

The only reason why I said to hold off was because she has worked hard all her life and I was worried that she was going to have to work even harder and take on more jobs to pay for the wedding but she has turned it around and thrown it back in my face.

We are currently not talking because I can't believe she would think so little of me and think my concern for her is jealousy.

My husband and friends are baffled that she has said this to me and know that I am not jealous and never have been about anyone and I don't want to scrounge off anyone.

What would you do or say to your mother who thinks so little of you?

But, like I said in my first post - it's basically just tough shit cos she doesn't get a say in what her mum does with her money even if she's only saying it because she's worried.

I didn't send my husband down to complain, BridgetBidet. Don't assume things. My mother contacted him. I didn't "react" like anything.

Well some of the things the OP said like:

"she has worked hard all her life and I was worried that she was going to have to work even harder and take on more jobs to pay for the wedding but she has turned it around and thrown it back in my face."

Which seem to refer more to the spending of the money than the actual boyfriend.

Also if this man can afford to book £7,000 holidays he is obviously not completely on his uppers. And perhaps if there was more concrete evidence like not paying towards the mortgage or the SISTER booking and paying for holidays for both of them I might be able to take the moans about the boyfriend more seriously.

But with the examples she's given she's got no real basis for her worries, and even if she did she should keep them to herself. But on such flimsy evidence to set about causing an unpleasant drama around her sisters engagement and wedding is really, really unpleasant in my book.

OP I think you ABVVU and should apologise and keep your nose out of the wedding in future unless asked.

Hecate - fuck me, you have got it in one.

Maybe I am not the best at explaining it, but at least some people get where the hell I am coming from!

You are right, I won't ever discuss anything like that with my mother again. In return, I expect her to butt out of my business too.

Good posts Hecate.

TooFatToRun - You are trying to stop your sister and this man taking advantage of your mother. You are trying to stop your Mum from being foolish.

You know you will worry about your Mum when she old and poor.

I get all of this. Do as Hecate says and disassociate yourself from the consequences of this ill-advised act.

She isn't the type to apologise....she always takes my sister's side
We were a very close family and she was always in my business telling me what to do and how to do it. I thought we could talk to each other.

Sounds more like she's good at talking, less good at listening.
I see this all erupted with your mum but you've barely mentioned the bride to be.

I reckon picnicbasketcase and thebody are right, there's some competitiveness being encouraged here and your mum's used to calling the shots.

He has spent money on himself for the holiday to visit his family in Australia. He is controlling and I have seen a change in my sister (she doesn't speak up like she used to for eg). He has used my sister for accommodation before and then split up with her when he got a better offer.

That went tits up and now he is back. I can't help feeling that he's got a good deal. The reason I mentioned the flat and the £80k she gave is because he has so little to pay whilst he is with her. That is why I told my mum to hold off and just see how much he was willing to pay for his own wedding before she jumps in a pays for all of it. I just wanted to see if he was genuine IYKWIM.

My mother worked as a housekeeper/cleaner. She has been working all her life since she was a girl. She has now started working 12+ hour days. Is it so bad that I am worried about her and a bit upset that a 68 year old is working ridiculous hours? Besides, it's not that, I am upset that she thinks I am jealous when I am concerned for her.

I am very happy for my sister because she was very eager to settle down and have a family and she is now getting that. I hope to goodness that he is better than he was in the past and treats her like a princess.

She has been trying to drive a wedge between me and my sister and I can't understand why a mother would want to do that to her children. She has been shit stirring, saying that I have always been jealous of her flat to my sister. Why would she do that?

OP, if you are genuinely concerned about this with your sister the correct thing to do is to take this up with your sister directly.

What you've been doing so far won't make a blind bit of difference to whether or not she marries him, or whether or not he financially exploits her. Your mother sounds like she is going to pay for a large amount of her wedding anyway (as she did for yours) so the net outcome is going to be pretty much the same no matter who she marries.

If you're genuinely concerned about your sister marrying this man slating him to your mother behind her back and trying to interfere with the wedding finances is going to do nothing other than make you look bad and will make no difference to whether or not he financially exploits her. In fact it will make her even more determined to marry him.

Apologise to your sister because she's right to feel hurt you've done this. Tell her your concerns if you want but be prepared for the fact it's very likely that she'll be really angry with you.

Incidentally going back to see your family in Australia after you've just announced your engagement isn't an 'expensive holiday', it's something you really should do if you can. What's he supposed to do, never see his family again because you don't approve?

You've handled this very badly and made a bit of an arse of yourself, even if you have done it for purely altruistic reasons.

I really would accept that you've not behaved diplomatically in this situation and just apologise.

I'm not trying to be nasty I can just really see how hurtful your behaviour would seem to both your Mum and your sister.

His family are going to be at the wedding, so he will see them 2 months after his month long holiday. That is neither here nor there.

I have already apologised to her for saying that I was concerned. I won't be getting involved in any of it again.

I am not a ME, ME, ME type of person. I promise you.

I won't be apologising to my mother as I haven't done anything wrong to her. She has been troublemaking this last few weeks and shit-stirring making stuff up and driving a wedge between me and my sister.