To feel let down and upset by DH

[ghoulelocks]

Ok, here's the story from both points of view:

DH: My wife was in hospital all week. I've had to do all the Nursery drop offs and share pick ups with her parents. I've looked after our 2 yr old son and he's happy. I visited her and brought our son to her. It was her birthday while she was in there and when she got home there were flowers,wine and chocolates on the table, she just stared at them and went to bed. She's been rather grumpy all week and I'm tired with working and doing everything. I feel unappreciated.

Mine: I'm 7/8 months pregnant and was in hospital all week. DH visited twice, bringing our son once. As it was an emergency admission I didn't have stuff to sleep in etc (the gown I wore on the HDU wasn't suitable once I was up and about on another ward as the back barely stayed closed). I was also bored witless without a charge on my phone or reading material. I had to ask my mum to bring stuff as I didn't want to wait until the next day for suitable clothes as there were lots of men visiting. I got home to a house like a pigsty, everything that had been used from clothes to plates lay where it was finished with. I also asked her to visit on the first night as I felt alone and scared with all the fuss on the HDU, DH was putting our son to bed and tired after work. To be fair I wasn't at serious risk but just emotional. The only clear surface when I got home was the table with flowers (hayfever!) wine (pregnant) and chocolate (the secondary reason for my admission was severe sickness in pregnancy and dehydration from it). There is no food and the 2 yr old was wearing the very last nappy. My parents shared pretty much 50% of the childcare whilst I was on the ward. I normally do close to 100% and work full time. I am now cleaning the house because I can't bear to look at it. I feel like I've been kicked in the teeth, I do so bloody much and generally don't mind it and the fact I was the least visited on the ward and got home to this is really upsetting.

sorry you've had such a rough time and hope everything is ok with the baby. Does your DH work outside the home? How much time does he have actually in the house to do things? I am not excusing any of the things that have not been done- as you say, you work full time and presumably get this stuff done, plus he has had help from your parents, but it just gives us more of an idea just HOW slack he has been The birthday gifts are thoughtless and hurried (especially the wine) but at least he DID remember. Yes he's been crap and should be told so, but you ARE in a fairly fragile state right now so you will have to do it very calmly and rationally or he will likely dismiss it as pregnancy/hormonal and not justified. Good luck

The only clear surface when I got home was the table with flowers

Why on earth couldn't your husband clear up after them?

Why do you do 100% of the housework OP?

Having a family member in hospital is very hard. When DH was in hospital everything got left (and I was the one normally did it). DH has had to fit in everything he would normally do with looking after DS (presumably signficantly more than usual). Plus he will have been dealing with queries about how you are, feeling emotionally drained and worried himself (don't understimate how much this takes its toll), and probably having to endure a constant monologue of "when is Mummy coming home?" from the 2 year old. Plus he won't have all the usual routines to fall back on.

I think you need to focus on the fact that you are better and the 2 year old is well cared for. Everything else is fairly incidental

YANBU-I have come home twice to a very similar scenario after 2 c-sections and my dh also instisted on having a bbq on the day I got home and left me to entertain inlaws,sil and dn for hours-including waiting on them hand and foot. Yes I am still bitter

Hyperemesis sucks so you can be as unreasonable as you want and tbh the chocs and wine would have pissed me off too. There is nothing thoughtful about a birthday gift the recipient can't use.

YANBU - your DH should have made sure you had suitable clothes, snacks, phone chargers and reading material for your time in hospital. He should also have called on the days when he couldn't visit you, even if only for a couple of minutes. These are both things you're justified in telling him now, to avoid the same thing happening again when you give birth and on any subsequent occasions.

He was probably too worried, tired and stressed to do the housework while you were in hospital, so I'd give him the benefit of the doubt there. Can you afford to have a cleaner come in as a one-off to sort it out now, and then again in a couple of months time before you come home with the baby?

Oh, and he still owes you a proper birthday present .

It's nice to say to put my feet up but being practical I can't leave the two year old naked or unfed so laundry and an emergency trip to the shops is needed. Also some level of mess needs dealing with if only for health matters, e.g. food off sides/ low tables that toddler will return to and eat, bedsheets with spilt milk on (all!) and trip hazards such as magazines on floors near stairs. I'm not talking getting the place sparkling for something that would make good housekeeping magazine, just replacing milk/ nappies/ bread and real basics when it ran out and using the dishwasher as a dirty crockery cupboard and putting bin out.

I manage childcare and a lot more. With both work the same hours. My parents had ds for one whole day over the weekend. He managed to buy instant food.

He knows I only got let out earlier because I begged to be and said I'd rest and be sensible.

Thank you for asking, the baby is fine. I was ill with heart/kidney. problems which did not affect it thankfully. It's true what they say about a baby being a little parasite that will manage to take everything it needs for you whatever state you're in!

He remembered the b'day as it was a milestone one with quite a lot planned, so lots of work colleagues and friends dropped off presents at the house instead. It was quite unmissable! I am very lucky with the fuss everyone attempted to make made. I missed a surprise party.

Honestly? This is the kind of thing that happens when one partner does everything around the house. The other partner literally cannot 'see' what needs done - it's just not on their radar.

Make some changes to your household routines. Make DH do his share - and then he'll always be able to do his share. As far as he's concerned he's 'helped' by covering the childcare. Can't really blame him for that if he normally does nothing.

That said, birthday presents were rubbish. And I do hope you're feeling better.

YANBU at all

I was in hospital for 3 days with DD3, DH had the 2 other DDs and 11mo DS at home. The house was tidy, DC were fed and he visited every day (sometimes twice) 40 mile round trip, he even did a washing! And made sure I had clean clothes etc. he did this with no help from anyone else at all, luckily it was school hols so he didn't have to mess about with uniforms etc. the house wasn't to my level of tidy and I don't know what was happening with the DDs hair and their mismatched outfits but he managed. And he's not superman.

There's no excuse for him not tidying up at all, he only has one 2 yo the same one you have all the time.

You need to chill out and relax though, try not to pick up his slack.

Yanbu - dh should have worked out what needs doing - so I would see it as effectively ending his free ride by his own actions (or inaction) he clearly needs to be part of the daily housework and childcare routine - a rota is required - you are obviously doing too much (even without pg and health issues) and soon another little one.

And you can hire cleaners to do a one off clean - I would hand him back his present and request a one off clean and a pregnancy de-stress massage instead.

House mess doesn't matter. Your health matters. Showing some thanks to those who supported you while you were in hospital matters.

Yeah Euphemia, because her DH making her come home to a filthy, messy house with no food and no nappies in is really looking after her isn't it?

OP, he sounds a total arse. Hope you are feeling better now

I really feel for you. YANBU.

YANBU

the least he should have done was what he failed to do.

nightie, cardigan/dressing gown, phone charger, books, etc, food in the house and run the hoover round.

and why is your DS not already dressed? did he go to work today without doing that either?

Call your mum and get her to do some shopping for you. and then to stay and cook for you and give you a bit of help and company

Did he move from Mummy to you, then?

because that the only reason I can think that a man might not realise that pots need at least clearing away after meals-if not washing up as well.

Clothes go into a washbox & thence into a machine to be washed...

Shopping needs doing...

I was pissed off at my husband as he had just been ironing what he needed on a day to day basis & hadn´t knuckled down & done it all

YANBU.

Suggest you let him read this thread.

LTB!!!! Seriously he's just paying lip service to being half of a partnership. He isn't supporting you and your joint child and home. He needs to grow up pronto.

OK, YANBU. However, this is a golden opportunity to make some change. Sit him down, talk to him, explain how hard it was for him doing half of what you do for a week. Tell him that is half as hard as doing what you do all the time AND you keep the house better. Explain that things have to change, that he has to carry his weight. Calm, quiet and determined.

oh well, glad the later posts agreed IWBU.

I was ready for a calm discussion. Until he came home and moaned 'where's dinner'. I said I was going to bed with anit-sickness medication and he could work it out himself.

Why did you decide to have a second child with him if he does bugger all for the first one?

ghoulelocks YANBU I would feel equally shat on if this were me.

Why only two hospital visits? It IS scary, lonely and emotional being in hospital. So sorry glad you and baby are OK. Can't believe the dinner comment!

Pinkforever this sounds horrifyingly similar to the day I came out of hospital after c section. In laws were waiting for me at the house to 'celebrate'. ARGH! My sympathies - don't blame you for still being bitter!

He's like that dreadful man in the dreadful Asda ad who lets his wife slave through Christmas and then asks what's for tea...Didnt realise they actually existed...

YANBU, especially with that last add on.

What a useless twat he is.

tbh I normally don't care massively. I'm not english and probably a little old school. He's polite, works hard at his job, shares all monies with the family and is pleasant to be around. I've taken the view (and shared it) that if it would ever be easier for me to be a single mum I would be, but it's not. He supports 60% financially, the kids love him, he's good company...he's just rather childlike and dependent within the family. I grew up where it was great to have a man who was sober, didn't hurt anyone and stuck around! He does 'bugger all' for ds regards to needs such as washing and feeding etc., but delights him every day with play and love. I just bought some large tubs for his dirty washing and junk to be thrown in so I don't deal with it or see it building.

He's thoughtless like a child with hospital visits etc and rather inward looking. That's what gets me, the thoughtlessness and lack of effort, I wouldn't be put out if he TRIED and buggered it all up, e.g. badly washed things, things in the wrong place, stupid food choices and the wrong size nappies. I want him to TRY.

Funnily he didn't move from mummy to me, I believe he lived on a classic student diet of 80% potato and lived with very very little he owned.