To feel let down and upset by DH

[ghoulelocks]

Ok, here's the story from both points of view:

DH: My wife was in hospital all week. I've had to do all the Nursery drop offs and share pick ups with her parents. I've looked after our 2 yr old son and he's happy. I visited her and brought our son to her. It was her birthday while she was in there and when she got home there were flowers,wine and chocolates on the table, she just stared at them and went to bed. She's been rather grumpy all week and I'm tired with working and doing everything. I feel unappreciated.

Mine: I'm 7/8 months pregnant and was in hospital all week. DH visited twice, bringing our son once. As it was an emergency admission I didn't have stuff to sleep in etc (the gown I wore on the HDU wasn't suitable once I was up and about on another ward as the back barely stayed closed). I was also bored witless without a charge on my phone or reading material. I had to ask my mum to bring stuff as I didn't want to wait until the next day for suitable clothes as there were lots of men visiting. I got home to a house like a pigsty, everything that had been used from clothes to plates lay where it was finished with. I also asked her to visit on the first night as I felt alone and scared with all the fuss on the HDU, DH was putting our son to bed and tired after work. To be fair I wasn't at serious risk but just emotional. The only clear surface when I got home was the table with flowers (hayfever!) wine (pregnant) and chocolate (the secondary reason for my admission was severe sickness in pregnancy and dehydration from it). There is no food and the 2 yr old was wearing the very last nappy. My parents shared pretty much 50% of the childcare whilst I was on the ward. I normally do close to 100% and work full time. I am now cleaning the house because I can't bear to look at it. I feel like I've been kicked in the teeth, I do so bloody much and generally don't mind it and the fact I was the least visited on the ward and got home to this is really upsetting.

That is very sad ghoulelocks. You know your children will have the same expectations of their spouse so your DS will want a wife who scrubs and cleans and cooks and doesn't expect anything other than non-violence. If you have a DD she will look forward to a DH who does next to nothing. Do you want that?

I have never known a man closely enough to know of his home life who has done more, being perfectly serious, he is far better than any in my or his extended families. These mn men seem a bit mythical at times, I've never known one. I'm not saying this to provoke a reaction, but I honestly know of men that cheat, gamble, drink, keep money back etc.

That's sad too ghoulelocks. My mythical MN DH works, cleans, loves and plays with DD, has never at least he'd better not have cheated, gambled (except the odd lottery ticket), he drinks but not heavily or so it affects the family. My friends' DHs have their issues but nothing shitty.

YANBU, I would be angry and hurt too. He knows how to do these things, he's a grown man. I'd be reshuffling the housework responsibilities ASAP.

These MN men are not mythical, at all. If you cant see you deserve better for yourself, surely you can see your children deserve better?

But if he is decent at heart, then he can change. You both can.

They aren't mythical at all, lots of us are married to them. Sober men who work and provide and are good with their children and share the cleaning, My husband is nothing like yours.
Aim higher, at least for your children if not for yourself.

Not mythical :-) my Df is lovely and cooks every night (homemade from scratch), baths and dresses ds every night and helps with the house and does the shopping (I do do stuff honest). I do more of the cleaning and all other childcare (including bf and dealing with all night wakings (still at 21 mths)) but am a sahm(for now) so this is pretty fair.

When I was 29 weeks pregnant my water broke. For the next month, I did nothing except eat and sleep (and go back and forth to hospital and be wired up to machines and cry and pray).

DH worked full time, fed and shopped and cared for me (when home) and DD (12 and stroppy out of worry) did the washing, cleaning and cooking, held my hand, paid the bills, kept family and friends informed, attended appointments, replaced the dishwasher that decided to expire, bought all the baby stuff we hadn't bought eg pram, built a wooden cradle, visited me every single day I was in hospital, brought me clothes, food, books, made sure I had internet access and pre-paid phone calls.

When Ds was born prem at 33 weeks, he got up at 5am every day so he could get everything organised for DD for school and come and spend an hour with DS on SCBU before work.

He's not mythical and lots of the time he is a PITA but christ almighty he's not a fucking child.

balia that made me smile. What a lovely man. Mine is too, although I want to throttle him sometimes.

Not mythical at all OP but you're blinded by your own preconceptions and experiences so you can't see that there's better out there. Your expectations are WAY too low and they are letting you down. There's no need to settle for something so far beneath you. It's sad that you feel you aren't worth going after something more in life.

And I feel for you having not had any decent male role models to respect, but it's time to open your eyes and broaden your life experience. Are none of your real-life female friends or colleagues in respectful relationships with partners who pull their weight?

Agree with what's said above, your children will follow this pattern that you've followed yourself.

Time for some soul-searching I think. Either with or without your DH... if he loves you and doesn't want to lose you then maybe you can work at this together. If not, then at the very least get some counselling so you can try to work past this lack of self-esteem. Good luck.

please please please stop cleaning and clearing and tidying... get into your bed or at least onto the sofa and direct your DH as to what needs done to keep your DC clean, healthy and safe.

you SHOULD still be in hospital, you are ONLY out on the proviso you rest. Buggering up your health and your body is not helping anybody.

NOTHING will ever change if you're willing to put your own health second. If you can't get your DH to step up when you're this ill you never will.

Do you know what? When my DH's colleague's wife was ill with a small baby, my DH was straight round there with a load of home-cooked meals for the freezer and offering to cover his colleague's shifts so the colleague could look after the baby. That's how men can be, not just not gambling and not drinking and not keeping the money back.

i agree with maybenow. you sound like you've come home because he's completely incapable of looking after your ds. so, send your ds to your parents and go with him.
seriously, you'll be better served while you're ill than having to look after a man child.
and i would be tempted to get my dad to come round and have a serious man-up talk with him.

He should have visited you every day and taken you the things you needed on the first day, just because he loves you and wants to do that - who on earth wouldn't even do that much for their dw/dh? As for the house, why on earth isn't he cleaning up right now, what is he doing? He should be making sure you are resting and comfortable and getting on with this himself. I can't believe someone wouldn't do this in your situation. To then ask you to make dinner for him and say he feels UNDERappreciated is just beyond comprehension, I think I would've delivered a swift kick in balls at that. It isn't too much to ask that your dh acts like he loves and cares for you, or it shouldn't be. :(

My dh wouldn't treat my mother like that (and we hate her) never mind me

Poor you. He needs a rocket up his arse.

Talk to your mum, explain how you feel, ask her and your dad to take some childcare for this last gruelling leg of pregnancy. Order yourself takeaway of whatever you can face eating. Have long baths. Is he expecting you to clean and shop? Is it "Oh goody, Mum's back, I'm off duty"? Tosspot.

If he is going to be this useless when the baby comes, you need to be conserving your strength and taking care of No1.

Have some specially bred hypoallergenic

OP those are some horrifically low expectations you have there, which is so, so sad.

Men who are adults and care about others with thought and action are not mythical, there is one living in my house!

Why did you decide to have a second child with him if he does bugger all for the first one?

That. I wasn't going to say it but...

Well I do just about everything in the house as husband works & the kids are at school.

But he does the weekly shop as I don´t drive & he cooks at the weekend.

And when I went to UK for 2wks unexpectedly he walked the dog, cooked, cleaned, washed, ironed & worked.

It was a case of needs must.

And he was waited on hand & foot until he went to Uni-but managed to look after himself & then run his own house (whilst working full time).

Yanbu op and I can't believe some posters reckon you are. I was hospitalized numerous times throughout both of my pregnancies.

Second time round was harder for Dh as we had 2 year old dd.

I was visited every day. He checked what I needed and brought it. Went home to.a clean and tidy house.

I really feel for you, especially after your last post :(

Hope you're feeling better soon.