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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send this email to DS's sixth form HoY?

51 replies

mumblechum1 · 21/11/2012 13:57

Background; have just been called by said Hoy in DS's presence to complain that he's leaving to attend a tuition appt in the next town, in his free period.

She basically tore a strip off me, she kept going on about the fact that he was driving himself and that they're only allowed to leave the school site for 5th period (ie from 2.30 pm) or for lunch. Fair enough, they need to know where everyone is but I just felt she was being really heavy handed, esp when she then started on about the fact that on Monday, he left at 12.37 to go to Sainsburys to buy some lunch.

So I'm afraid that whilst I was very polite on the phone and didn't say anything rude, I have drafted an email which I'm itching to send.

DS loathes school, and I know why, they are basically treated like 10 year olds (v. high achieving grammar).

So, WIBU to press Send?

"" Dear Mrs xxxx,

Further to our phone conversation of this afternoon, I confirm that xxx has a tuition session in xxxxx at 1pm. He is, of course, driving himself, having passed his test some time ago.

I do understand that the school has its rules and regulations regarding absences, and that of course you need to know when pupils are on site, but (not for the first time), am a bit surprised at the school's rather heavy handed attitude, in calling me in his presence, given that he's an adult, and that sixth formers are no longer in compulsory education.

I know that you don't personally make the rules, but to be honest, xxx works hard in school, never gets into trouble outside of school, doesn't take drugs, drink to excess, get involved in fights, helps people whenever he can, is training to serve his country at the same time as studying, and is generally a very decent and moral young man.

Perhaps he "forgets" to abide by some rules, such as (shock horror! leaving a study period to grab some lunch in town) which do seem to be rather draconian, but I don't think he really deserves to be given so much grief about it.

I don't suppose I will receive a positive response to this email, but feel that it needs to be said.

Kind regards"

OP posts:
lurkerspeaks · 21/11/2012 14:03

YABU.

I am an adult. I am no longer in compulsory entertainment. I am not allowed to swan off out of work even on my lunch break. Nor am I allowed to go off to meetings without telling people where I am going.

Encouraging your child to think that flouting the rules is acceptable will not help in in a wider world of work scenario.

Your intervention is not going to help the situation.

MargeySimpson · 21/11/2012 14:03

bad idea! He may not be in compulsory education, but if it's a high achieving grammer, I'm sure there was a lot of competition for spaces and if you don't want to make your ds follow school rules (ie just leaving to get lunch, when he knows he's not allowed) maybe give the space to someone that wants it?

MargeySimpson · 21/11/2012 14:07

my dad once gave me some good advice about complaining.

say the washing machine was broken, you call them and say 'my washing machine is broken, please fix it'. You don't say, the washing machines broken, so i went to the laundrette, that made my ds late for school, which meant he rushed and forgot his book bag, i had to take the book bag to him, so i didn't take the cat to the vets. the cat is now dead. no one need to know, it's not relevant. You don't need to go on about your son not taking drugs blah blah blah.

If he must go to this appointment, then just say he's going and delete the rest of what you put. I would never speak to my ds's teachers like that

LtEveDallas · 21/11/2012 14:07

Bad idea sorry, and the "training to serve his county" line - We don't let trainee soldiers off camp for the first 4 weeks, adults or not, drivers or not.

I think you'd be better off calmly fuming and commiserating with him when he gets home.

Original poster
mumblechum1 · 21/11/2012 14:09

Oh.
Ok.

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
BrianButterfield · 21/11/2012 14:11

Teachers can't leave the site during free periods without telling someone...

unclefluffy · 21/11/2012 14:11

I had a similar experience as a sixth former (minus the phone call home). Is there any chance you can leave him to deal with it? Is he 18? I was asked for a note from my mum for attending a dentist appointment. I refused to provide one on the grounds that I was a (rather stroppy, to be fair) adult. Mum would have happily written one, but I wouldn't let her! The problem went away. If he's 18, I'd stick to the line that this is his responsibility to sort out. You've confirmed his appointment. I'd let sleeping dogs lie.

He only has to live with this until, what? June? It's character building!

StuntGirl · 21/11/2012 14:12

YABU. Rules are rules, you can't just flout them because he is a 'good boy'. He needs to abide by the rules of the institution he's at, whether thats school, work, the army...

unclefluffy · 21/11/2012 14:12

Cross posted with everyone!

BadgersBottom · 21/11/2012 14:12

Bad idea. He's broken the school rules and that's what needs to be dealt with. Not what he's going to do when he leaves school, not what he doesn't do now, not what you think he or they ought to do. The HoY may have been a bit pissy but the school is responsible for it's pupils and I expect the reaction was because your son would be missing from roll call in the event of a fire.

Original poster
mumblechum1 · 21/11/2012 14:13

To be fair, he wasn't leaving without telling anyone, he was signing out at reception.

OP posts:
maddening · 21/11/2012 14:14

I think you just need to state that he will be out of school from x time to x time on x dates to attend xxx. You look forward to their cooperation and any concerns please contact you by email.

FryOneFatManic · 21/11/2012 14:14

If he had an appointment, then what is the HOY complaining about? So they're not allowed to leave school until certain times, but surely that wouldn't include appointments would it? If DD gets an orthodontist appointment I have to take what's offered for her, as otherwise things wouldn't get done.

Alisvolatpropiis · 21/11/2012 14:14

6th forms have changed quite a bit since I left mine 6 years ago! We could come and go as we pleased then.

My brother goes to a different 6th form and they are also v strict about leaving the premises in free periods. Unfortunately I think YABU and will have to rearrange the times he goes to his tutor.

donnie · 21/11/2012 14:16

I agree with the others. I suspect this is not about your son and all about YOUR anger at being inconvenienced by what you believe is an unnecessary phone call.

Breaking the rules is breaking the rules and you admit he already did it when he went to sainsbury's - you (and he ) ought to suck it up. The irony is that it's YOU who are treating him like a kid, covering for him and making excuses on his behalf.

Remotecontrolduck · 21/11/2012 14:17

This is why my DD went to college for A Levels, they don't have to put up with stuff like this there!!

You have my sympathies, not sure what you can do though. The rules were probably in place when you looked at the school

marchwillsoonbehere · 21/11/2012 14:18

I am no longer in compulsory entertainment

What's that???? Being forced to sit through the Royal Variety Show Grin

Lurker are you seriously not allowed to 'swan off' even during your lunch break. Round here we call it, ahem, going to lunch, and as an employer I would expect my employees to tell me where to go if I referred to their taking their lunch break as 'swanning off'

OP my heart is with you but my head thinks you need to delete (at least half of) it!

LtEveDallas · 21/11/2012 14:19

If you do email Mumblechum, I quite like maddening's wording. Consise and to the point.

I get why you are pissed off - but I wouldn't make this one a battle.

(Have a drink with your boy tonight and a good grumble about 'bloody jobsworths' Smile)

Startail · 21/11/2012 14:20

take a deep breath and ignore, Pupils have always left school premises without permission and schools have always got steamed up about it.

We sneaked to the sweet shop, DDs lot do too!

We went for a picnic one lunch time with proper exit notes, but going on the boating lake caused a nuclear explosion. I still feel guilty as I was ill and missed the major league bollocking.

Probably just as well as my mum knew exactly where i was going and I may well have been less than polite.

picturesinthefirelight · 21/11/2012 14:23

I went to a 6th form college over 20 years ago. Although we were allowed to go out for lunch we weren't allowed off site unless we had a free last period.

If they are the rules - they are the rules.

PlantsDieArid · 21/11/2012 14:23

I think using "shock horror" in supposedly adult correspondence sounds really childish, tbh.

He flouted a rule, it's been pointed out, not for the first time. If you can't bring yourself to suggest he apologises (which is what I would do given that he's choosing not to abide by the school rules) then I'd quietly press delete instead.

He sounds like a lovely responsible lad otherwise.

werewolvesdidit · 21/11/2012 14:26

If he vanished and there was a fire it would cause a big problem. Schools DO need to know where the kids they are responsible are. If you don't approve of the school's rules then don't send him. I think you are very condescending and are encouraging your son to have exactly the entitled attitude which means he'll be unemployable when he's older. There are loads of early 20 somethings who think the world revolves around their needs until they enter the cold, hard world of work and get an almighty shock. You're not doing your son any favours here.

werewolvesdidit · 21/11/2012 14:27

responsible FOR that should be

Original poster
mumblechum1 · 21/11/2012 14:28

Ok, get the message, thanks everyone for your input, I'll reword drastically to the bare minimum.

OP posts:
takataka · 21/11/2012 14:38

i think unclefluffys point is key..you kind of cancel out your own point of what an independant responsible boy he is, by sending a complaint as his mum!! Grin

(this nonsense, is actually one of the main reasons I dropped out of A Levels; i couldnt wait to start work )

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