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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH to go abroad on stag do when I am 38 weeks pregnant?

72 replies

LittlePickleHead · 20/11/2012 20:53

Just had a conversation with DH and feeling a bit upset. He is usher at one his best friends wedding, at the end of May. I am due very beginning of May, and as the wedding involves camping there is no way I can realistically plan to go. DH is still going and I've arranged that my mum will be down at that point to help (also have DD age 3). The stag is abroad (European country, 2 hour flight) and is most likely going to be mid April. He's just said he's going to go for one night, as the chance of me going into labour that very time are slim.

He may be right, but I feel it's a risk and feel really worried about it. Especially as ill have DD to think about and no family close by.

AIBU to think he shouldn't plan to go if it ends up being so close to my due date, or am I being overly paranoid?

Btw I'm missing two weddings and a foreign hen do which are all happening close to the birth so I'm probably feeling a little left out that he can go off an have his fun whilst I wait around gestating his child...

OP posts:
Original poster
LittlePickleHead · 20/11/2012 21:07

Oh no dewdrop that awful Sad

It's only the stag I don't want him to do. I'm a bit gutted about the wedding as I'd love to be there (it sounds like its going to be fab!) but as the baby will def be here by then I'm ok with him going as long as my mum is with me (its a 2 night event).

I'm glad there is a unanimous decision here, if he gets shirty I can just show him the thread!

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/11/2012 21:08

Gah! I'd be fine about the wedding, I mean - definite no to the stag.

ledkr · 20/11/2012 21:10

My dh was asked to a stag abroad when our baby would have been a few weeks. He said no. The stag played merry hell.
Dd was born very poorly and was in hospital for weeks so he couldn't have home anyway. The stag didn't give a flying fig and never even phoned dh to see how baby.
Stag has recently had his first baby barely leaves the houseHmm
I agree with ex pat about them being stupid.
Even if you don't go into labour you will be pretty tired and appreciate help with the other kids.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/11/2012 21:10

So you're already compromising, aren't you, by agreeing he can leave his new-daddy duties for a couple of nights for the wedding. He has to realise he is a lucky bloke!

sparkle12mar08 · 20/11/2012 21:10

Definite NO here too - I went into labour at 37+5, so unless he's happy to abandon his 2 day old newborn, tell him to grow the fuck up and sort out his priorities. And if he is happy to abandon a newborn, you have bigger problems ahead...

Original poster
LittlePickleHead · 20/11/2012 21:13

Just spoke to him again mentioning how he'd feel if he missed the birth and that im more likely to go into labour early with second child, and he just said let's wait until we know the date and make a decision then. I think I'm getting through to him! He's not a twat honestly, I think he just really hasn't thought about this properly... (Obv I've already thought about all of it in detail!)

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 20/11/2012 21:13

I don't think he realises that he is a lucky man to get to go to the wedding. You are a family and TBH in our house the conversation about the wedding might have gone, "Can we go to the wedding? No we can't. We have a tiny baby". The stag is a ridiculous ask. YANBU.

MrTumblesCrackWhore · 20/11/2012 21:18

I put my foot down at dh going camping in bloody Dorset at the same stage of pregnancy with dd2.

I just told him he could have four possible memories: (1) missing his mate's stag do knowing that he was there at his child's birth, (2) missing his mate's stag do knowing he was doing the gentlemanly thing of being an attentive and dutiful husband, (3) going to his mate's stag do and having to live with missing his child's birth, or going to to his mate's stag (4) not missing his child's birth but giving me half of everything in the divorce settlement. Grin

He didn't go.

FWIW his mate, whose stag do it was, said he was surprised he had even considered it, and only asked him out of courtesy.

quoteunquote · 20/11/2012 21:18

OP, If my DH had gone away at that point in my pregnancies he would of missed the birth of his children.

If his friends want him there and really care about him, then they should bring the date forward, sometime soon.

showtunesgirl · 20/11/2012 21:21

OP, my DH has just pointed out that though the place he's going to is "only a 2 hour flight away", the reality may be very different. It would only be a 2 hour flight if the place he's going to is on the doorstep of where he's going to and YOU are also right near the airport on the other end.

Also he's betting on the fact that he can get on a flight immediately. What happens if he can't get on the next flight for quite a while and also factoring in door to door travelling times and also customs and passport control, it's way more than 2 hours.

Original poster
LittlePickleHead · 20/11/2012 21:22

Quote- his friend had actually said he was going to bring it forward to mid march so he could go, but that seems to not be the case any more. I think the mate truly is clueless, and doesn't realise how close to the birth it really is. I know it's disappointing for DH, but seriously, how much of these events do men actually remember anyway?!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 20/11/2012 21:23

If his friends... really care about him. The problem can be that they don't, they just want bums on seats for a fun stag. DH has a friend like this, always trying to get the menfolk out, early hours of the morning, wants to go to strip places, takes drugs, chats up women, doesn't really care that much about the mates he is with. On the verge of a divorce, surprise, surprise.

Original poster
LittlePickleHead · 20/11/2012 21:24

And going for one night might just end up being rubbish and pointless. Agreeing with all the points about true travel time! Would be closer to 6 hours, assuming he could immediately get a flight

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YellowTulips · 20/11/2012 21:24

It's a resounding YANBU from me.

First child was bang on 37 weeks with only 4 hours between first signs of labour and birth.

I had NO idea birth was imminent (I was at work the day before!) and expected as a first timer for more signs and a much longer labour.

All was well but DH was actually due to be working away, in the UK but at least 4/5 hours away, the rest if the week (I was ok with this at the time).

In hindsight we both felt very lucky as a day later he would have missed the birth and as other posters have said the regret of that lasts a lifetime.

It certainly isn't worth risking over a stag event where he is out of range (even for 1 night) for 48 hours.

Just think "why were you not there when I was born Daddy?"...."err I was in Magaluf/Amsterdam/other on the lash cos I thought your mum could cross her legs harder" Wink

greeneyed · 20/11/2012 21:24

no no no no no this is not on at all, he is being idiotic - hope he sees sense! Small sacrifice compared to pregnancy labour etc!!!

whiteandyelloworchid · 20/11/2012 21:25

yanbu, he is being vvvu even thinking about it

showtunesgirl · 20/11/2012 21:26

And as I said earlier, this is beside the point as you have another DC to look after. How old is your first DC?

Original poster
LittlePickleHead · 20/11/2012 21:27

Ah I do have to stick up for his mate, he is lovely but clueless about any of this. He don't realise I wouldn't be able to go an camp at the wedding with an (approximately) four week old. Well maybe I'm being a wimp and I could but I don't fancy it!

He does want DH to go on the stag but hasn't thought of the implications of it. I don't get the impression he is pressurising him. DH just hates missing out...

OP posts:
DyeInTheEar · 20/11/2012 21:27

I'm 38 weeks now with DC3 and I'm very uncomfortable - agonising nightly leg cramps which only go with help from DH stretching my legs for a good 10 to 15 mins. I've also pulled a muscle in my considerable bump which stops me from moving anywhere very fast and had me up at 4am so the following day with DCs was really hard.

Nights are tough at the moment and I only sleep every other night. So even without imminent arrival of a baby I'm feeling like I've hit a wall and need DH around more. It's not just about being their to see the baby born. It's about helping out - unloading a dishwasher or putting on a wash takes me forever.

Original poster
LittlePickleHead · 20/11/2012 21:27

Didn't not don't! Stupid phone

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DyeInTheEar · 20/11/2012 21:28

being there Blush

pmgkt · 20/11/2012 21:29

My dh is going a 4 hour drive away when I will be 37+ weeks on a stag do and will be drinking, although not excessively so he can train back, believe me I will be calling him at first twinge. He is also about an hour away for the best man duties when I'll be 40 + 1. I'll be going up to the wedding the following day complete with hospital bag, and back up plans for ds1 and 2 step kids. I also went 2 weeks over with ds1 so maybe we are both burying our heads in the sand

Original poster
LittlePickleHead · 20/11/2012 21:29

Dd is 3.5 an I can see that bedtimes etc could get tough further along the line (in knackered already!)

OP posts:
amy175 · 20/11/2012 21:29

some men are really childish twats aren't they

Original poster
LittlePickleHead · 20/11/2012 21:30

Wow pmgkt you are very brave...

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