To think that working is not a luxury and he's got to do it regardless of exclusion

[Shinyshoes1]

My DS1 has been excluded from school for swearing at the deputy head and smoking. He's not allowed back until we have a meeting. DP reckons it's tiredness and he should give up the morning paper round, I think it's him having a bad day and mouthing off. It wouldn't be the first time.

He voulnteers in a youth centre , he wants to eventually work with vulnerable adults and teenagers that have behavioural problems. Tonight is one of the nights he volunteers.
He also has an afterschool job , starting this week at thesameplace he does his paper round, the want him to count stock, they think he's trustworthy and reliable and have offered him the job.

DP thinks as part of his punishment for being excluded, he shouldn't be doing any of these things. My opinion is that it's work, albeit tonight is the unpaid job, but it's still work and he shouldn't be forfeiting his positon permantley because of him mouthing off when in general he's not that bad.

Who's being unreasonble here?

I don't think you smoke because your tired

YANBU saying that he shouldn't give up working as part of his punishment but if I were the parent of one of the kids at the youth center I wouldn't want a young person who swore at teachers and smoked to be role model to my child.

I'm with honeytea on this one.

YABU.

He wants to work with teenagers with behavioural problems???? I assume he appreciates the irony?

Yanbu work teaches responsibility and if he has committed to it then he is committed and that's that.

However he should be punished effectively perhaps stoning in the market square is in order

he doesn't smoke or swear at the youth centre. TBH he's probably just had a rubbish day and now and again lets of steam. It's inexcusable I know but he's not a trouble maker. He swore he wasn't smoking, he said he was with the others that were smoking, I'm yet to find this out when I go to the school for the meeting. The teacher wasn't listening to him and he told her to 'fuck off' I've yet to quiz him as he's literally walked in and walked back out for his job.
He will be suitably punished, he will be grounded, He will be apologising for swearing, infact he will be grovelling, but I don't think that him potentially losing either of the jobs is fair.

Is he in Y11 or older?
What do the people at the youth centre think of him? Is he better fitted for life outside school than in it?
Has he been excluded before? What was his reaction to events, apologetic or ranting about the unfairness?
I think YANBU to want him to continue to work at something he's committed to, and that you need to begin a dialogue with school to work out what's happening and what the next steps are.

Swearing at the Deputy is a big deal... "tiredness / him having a bad day" really?... Both you and your DP must stop looking for excuses and face the fact that his behaviour is not acceptable full stop. Tired or not. Bad day or not.

You could get this thread moved to Teenagers if you like...

I think he should be allowed to continue with the volunteering and paper round. The punishment is the exclusion.

How old is he?

I'm asking his age with regards to all the part-time jobs.

The swearing is appalling. No excuses.

How old is your ds? He sounds like he has an awful lot on for someone who I'm
Assuming is secondary school age and therefore will have exams? I'm
All for a work ethic but he sounds like he does alot.

Does not excuse the behaviour or the smoking but maybe his mood is down to tiredness.

He was an idiot to swear at deputy head. He needs to apologise and NOT let mummy or daddy make excuses for him.

If he is good at his paid job then he should carry on but perhaps s he is being more influenced by the kids at the youth centre than you realise???

That's dangerous territory so be careful.

Yes he's year 11.

He's well liked at the youth centre by those who work there and those that attend. He's literally walked in and told me yes he did swear but he weren't smoking, the teacher will back this up apparently , the others he was with grassed him up. TBH I don't think the school will exclude him on others word.

The teacher on the phone said, he gets stressed and worked up, as a rule he finds her, they talk it through and he calms down and alls good again, but she said today she just couldn't get him 'on task at all', the swearing at the Deputy Head was enough for him to be excluded

Yes he's been excluded before, for smoking, they don't tolerate it at all. I smell his cuffs and they smell of smoke, he constantly denies smoking, I don't believe him

How old is he and how many hours work (paid and unpaid) is he doing every week?

Of course he shouldn't lose his jobs. But you could make him make a donation to the school PTA or something if he's earning.

Yes he should work because that's different from being with friends. He should, however, be punished and taught when it is/not appropriate to swear. If he wants to smoke he should do it where he won't get caught (sorry but you won't stop him smoking by punishing him, he'll just get more sneaky about it)

Why shouldn't he do his job. He isn't excluded from that is he? But it would be nice if he could give a small donation from his wages to a charity of his choice. He should not have sworn at the Deputy Head but I'm sure he knows that. Everyone makes mistakes and gets annoyed at times.

he does a paper round 7 days a week. He leaves the house at 6.45am and goes straight to school after.

Weekends he goes in a bit later, he leaves home about 7.30am

Tuesday and Thursday he volunteers at the youth centre, he leaves home around 6pm and he gets home around 9.30pm

They newsagents where he does his paper round have offered him a job after school 2 or 3 days a week stock taking, he will finish at 5pm.

At the moment he gets £15.00 for the paper round. TBH , it's about 14 houses in the same street so he's done by 7.30am and his school is round the corner so he just goes straight to school.

He's yet to find out how much he'll get for the afterschool job, that should start this week

he doesn't smoke or swear at the youth centre. TBH he's probably just had a rubbish day and now and again lets of steam.

Sorry but thats a pile of crap. I am almost 100% sure he smokes when there I don't care if he has had 'a bad day'. you are correct its inexcusable.
If my child was classed as 'vulnerable' I would be concerned if I heard about your son. He needs to consider this.

I have 2 kids (one is a toddler) and own a restaurant. I am absoultley knackered but can mamange to refrain from swearing at people. And I could refrain when I was at school as well. You and your dh making excuses for him 'being tired' and having a bad day is not helping.

Would the school really exclude him just for swearing? My DS's school would have pretty much been empty!! Might be more to this story than he's currently admitting to.
DP sounds a bit too much like he's happy to make excuses to me! It doesn't really matter how tired you are does it, you can't just mouth off and get no consequences! Having said that, 2 jobs and GCSE year is a tough ask! As long as you are sure his studies are not suffering then fine, but don't let it ruin his exam prep!

Great idea about getting him to donate or take his money for savings.!!!

He ends up with very little on saturdays. Last week it was a fiver because he asks for advances all week so he doesn't get very much at the end of it all.

Ill have to pop in and have a word with the manager so she doesn't give him advances on his wages

He gets worked up with his teachers... lies to you about the smoking (despite obvious smell, hence takes you for an idiot), has been excluded before and is about to be again. None of it is ok Shiny. He needs to learn how to behave and respect others. Never mind about his paper round, there are more important issues.

As long as you back up the staff up at school and don't 'side' with him all the time then he will probably come through it.

He's year 11 and most boys do stupid things at that age. Mine did but were immediately sorted by us. Dh would never make excuses and neither would I.

Let him carry on working as its good ethics.

It's not the end of the world is it.