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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that working is not a luxury and he's got to do it regardless of exclusion

59 replies

Shinyshoes1 · 20/11/2012 18:11

My DS1 has been excluded from school for swearing at the deputy head and smoking. He's not allowed back until we have a meeting. DP reckons it's tiredness and he should give up the morning paper round, I think it's him having a bad day and mouthing off. It wouldn't be the first time.

He voulnteers in a youth centre , he wants to eventually work with vulnerable adults and teenagers that have behavioural problems. Tonight is one of the nights he volunteers.
He also has an afterschool job , starting this week at thesameplace he does his paper round, the want him to count stock, they think he's trustworthy and reliable and have offered him the job.

DP thinks as part of his punishment for being excluded, he shouldn't be doing any of these things. My opinion is that it's work, albeit tonight is the unpaid job, but it's still work and he shouldn't be forfeiting his positon permantley because of him mouthing off when in general he's not that bad.

Who's being unreasonble here?

OP posts:
BellaVita · 20/11/2012 18:50

It sounds like you are making excuses for his behaviour.

I work in a Secondary school and see behaviour like this but to the parents, their precious children must have been provoked Hmm and will not have a bad word said about them.

PuffPants · 20/11/2012 18:53

So he's doing his GCSEs this year? Do you think getting up at 6am is a good idea? I wouldn't be happy about that at all. When does he do his homework? This is his most important school year - the focus should not be on earning cash and going to youth clubs if you ask me.

Ditch the jobs, make him apologise to the teacher and mean it and try to grow up a bit.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 20/11/2012 18:56

I'm
With you puff pants. I think perhaps just a Sunday morning paperound or Saturday job would be better.

I can still remember the gcse stress all these years later. The exams affect the rest of your life. Focus should be on those. :)

Original poster
Shinyshoes1 · 20/11/2012 19:10

he tells me he's on to of it. I've offered to get him a private tutor but he's told me he'll just refuse to do any work if I do. He goes to after school revision if he feels he's falling behind. He goes to homework club too. He's not brilliant academically but I do believe he is trying his best

OP posts:
redexpat · 20/11/2012 19:18

I know everyone else is saying that he has too much on, but I found I worked much better and got more done when I was busy. Homework was done the da I got it because I simply wouldnt have time for it otherwise.

It is annoying when adults aren't listening to you, but he needs to learn that telling anyone to fuck off isn't acceptable. What would happen if he had told his boss to do that?

I think you need to talk to DS a bit more.

  1. About smoking.
  2. About lying.
  3. About having rubbish friends who grass him up.
  4. About appropriate anger management strategies.
  5. About extra curricular activites.
  6. About the importance of sleep.
mynewpassion · 20/11/2012 19:20

Work is work and should not be included in punishment.

Grounding, taking away tv/game privileges, etc are punishment.

bissydissy · 20/11/2012 19:43

I worked silly hours as a teen. I remember heading down to do a couple of hours after sitting my gcses and I'd have an exam the next day. My parents felt it was a great work ethic and I thought I was ever so grown up and I had money to burn - sadly on fags and booze.

In hindsight it was just daft and I should have been studying and enjoying being a kid. The youth work sounds good for him but what do all those hours in the paper shop do for him. Is he academic? Should he be concentrating on school or work experience?

Floggingmolly · 20/11/2012 19:52

The teacher said he gets stressed and worked up, he finds her, they talk it through and he calms down. Hmm
How often does this happen? Then he smokes on school premises and swears at the Head, and you dismiss it as him "having a bad day"?
He sounds a real asset to the Youth Centre.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/11/2012 19:58

OK, I used to smoke and swear. I once swore sort of at a teacher. Well, I expressed an opinion about him with swearing in his earshot. I also worked with homeless people and volunteered a lot. I was exemplary at my voluntary job and went on to work in this field as an adult. It may be that he is feeling mature in an immature setting, I know I did.

My DM, however, always backed the school, never excused my behaviour and expected work, school work and politeness to be perfect. I knew what behaviour was expected at least.

Dozer · 20/11/2012 20:00

He told a teacher to fuck off? Shock

The school - or you - should tell the youth centre about his behaviour at school, it calls into question the benefit of his voluntary work there, for him and the service users.

Dozer · 20/11/2012 20:01

The paper round and other paid work should go. Priority should be school.

Teafairy · 20/11/2012 20:03

Maybe a bit of a compromise? He gets to keep his morning job and volunteer one day a week at the youth centre, but the rest is off limits until he sorts himself out a bit. Working and volunteering are always good things to do and as an added bonus look good on applications/cv's depending on what he wants to do post Year 11 but you can have too much of a good thing and if he is getting tired and stressed maybe he needs to re-think his priorities.

Floggingmolly · 20/11/2012 20:17

Maybe he's feeling mature in an immature setting. Hmm
Really, TerryPratchet? Complete nonsense.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/11/2012 20:25

Feeling that Flogging not is mature. Not at all. I think all my swearing, smoking and being annoying was a rebellion against being told what to do all the time. Once I was out in the world, working and earning, I didn't behave that way.

thekidsrule · 20/11/2012 20:36

op i think your son does sound like a committed,hard working teen and that is something him and you should be proud of

not many kids work like that or volunteer so for that he sounds responsible and a good person

hes a teen and things like this will and do happen,its not till you have to deal with your own teenage child that you can put yourself in that position (its effo a learning curve)

maybe let him continue with his normal jobs,youth club and tell him that the pay will be taken of him ( maybe keep it for him in an account)but dont let him no,or a charity of his choice

of course he shouldnt be swearing at the head but these things do happen,teens are very different to 20yrs ago like it or not

good luck op

thekidsrule · 20/11/2012 20:42

i dont get this "i wouldnt want him at the youth club"

seriously do some posters think there kids dont swear/play the fool when not in there company

hes a teen maybe he works with younger kids and takes the role seriously

at least he has the spirit to volunteer

do you realise how under funded youth centres are and need all the volunters thy can get otherwise alot couldnt run

IneedAsockamnesty · 20/11/2012 20:46

I'm guessing her has a la issued licence for the work and is subject to the time limit checks?

If that is the case the work will not be of such a duration that it will negatively impact on his education.

Original poster
Shinyshoes1 · 20/11/2012 20:51

Sockreturningixie. I have no idea what any of that meant. He has to have a licence???

Thanks for the responses negative and supportive Wink

OP posts:
greeneyed · 20/11/2012 20:52

Agree with thekidsrule swearing and smoking do not a bad youth worker make - blimey my college lecturer used to wear a TSHirt that just said FUCK OFF on it!

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/11/2012 20:53

thekidsrule I agree. Having worked with a lot of challenging young people, I have to say that some of the lovely, well-meaning, middle class slightly do-goody down with the kids young people who volunteered weren't always the ones getting through to the young people I worked with. Sometimes the ones who swore a bit, maybe smoked but had good hearts, were hard working and didn't always make the right choices but owned up when they didn't, were the ones who actually did some good work. Perfection is not a prerequisite for volunteering or for social work.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/11/2012 20:53

x-posted with someone much more pithy than I. Thanks greeneyed. Grin

Pagwatch · 20/11/2012 20:58

I don't care about the smoking.
I am slightly more concerned about the swearing as it seems symptomatic of his feeling entitled to get stressed out and worked up, needing a teacher to calm him down.
My son attends a club for vulnerable teenagers (SN), my ther don used to volunteer as support staff. I would be a bit concerned tbh if I found out someone who needed calming down was one of dds helpers.

I admire his work ethic. And his work should not be part of his grounding.
But please stop excusing his swearing etc as tiredness. He won't address it if you are giving him reasons why it is ok. He needs to learn how to control his own behaviour if he wants a career in that environment

ihearsounds · 20/11/2012 21:04

The license/work permit is for under 16's.
And I agree with MrsTerry.

LynetteScavo · 20/11/2012 21:05

OP, I think you are getting particularly harsh responses because you posted in AIBU, but anyway, I think both you and your DH are being a bit unreasonable.

I wouldn't punish him further by making him forfeit his job, but it does sound like he's got a lot of extra going on, and I would tell him he shouldn't take on the paid after school job.

I was a very nice girl at school (you'll have to trust me on that!) and even I once swore at an adult in a similar situation at the same age Shock. (Luckily not the deputy head, though!)

LynetteScavo · 20/11/2012 21:10

Actually, I think working in Y11 is a luxury. Presumably you provide all his necessities, and he is working to earn money for luxuries (such as cigarettes).