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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get sad at Christmas

59 replies

storynanny · 20/11/2012 16:17

AIBU to be sad at Christmas because in recent years my young adult sons have spent the holiday with their partners parents? I'm not a possessive parent honestly, none of my sons still live at home, one is abroad, 2 several hours away, just feeling a bit redundant to say the least. Don't want to cause friction though by making a fuss about .

OP posts:

Original poster

storynanny · 20/11/2012 16:20

Should have added, have a partner and good friends so being lonely on Christmas Day isn't a problem , just feel like I'm the only mum in the world who is in this situation. My friends keep telling me it's only a day, don't let it upset you, good advice I know but hard to carry out.

OP posts:

noddyholder · 20/11/2012 16:22

Do you seem them at all over xmas? I must be honest that would upset me

Pootles2010 · 20/11/2012 16:23

Do they not take it in turn? We live 3 hours from my parents, and take it in turns between them and my il's.

FurryDogMother · 20/11/2012 16:24

No, you're not BU - I'm the same way in reverse - my Dad heads off to his other daughter's place (she's not my sister, nor half sister, it's complicated) in Florida every Christmas, and I would love to be with him just one year out of 10... it's fine to be sad, so long as you don't guilt trip your DSs about it. Maybe make noises during the coming year about them coming to you next time, and this year make the most of it with Skype or similar?

Justforlaughs · 20/11/2012 16:25

I'd be devastated, for me Christmas is ALL about family. I can understand why your friends would say what they do but I'm sure that they do understand they are just playing it down for you. I feel very sorry for you and I think that in your shoes I woul dask if they could manage to come to you this year/ next year if you feel it's a bit late this year. It may just be becaue their partners parents ask them before you do.

VIX1980 · 20/11/2012 16:26

Also wondering if you see them at all over christmas. My partner usually comes to christmas with me for dinner due to the fact its my mums birthday also, but then we do see the in laws in the morning to open presents for an hour or so. then most christmases we have gone back to see them in the evning also and have a drink.

I have quite large family though so try not to think of it as just 1 day, so my nan will cook on say day after boxing day etc, that way we all have a meal with each other, but there isnt the same amount of pressure for just 1 day of the year.

Could you do that perhaps, when they are both together invite them round with there partners and do a meal, doesnt even have to be around christmas.

VoiceofUnreason · 20/11/2012 16:26

Christmas can be sad for all sorts of reasons. Some of us will be spending it completely on our own. Some have had bereavements at or very near Christmas. It might be a first Christmas since a partner has left us or died. No one is unreasonable to be sad at Christmas.

CailinDana · 20/11/2012 16:27

YANBU. I think it's very mean of them not to ensure at least one of them is with you. Why do they go to their partners' parents every year? I don't get on particularly well with my parents but there's no way I'd expect them spend Christmas on their own.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 20/11/2012 16:30

YANBU - have they ever invited you to join them?

I find Christmas sad too.........my mum and both IL's have passed away and our christmases are so small......last year was awful and I had to nip to the loo to have a sob. This year I intend to just hit the booze :)

Justforlaughs · 20/11/2012 16:34

Have you EVER asked them to come to you. I know it might sound obvious but I have never, and would never, invite myself and my family to my parents house. If they want us to go there then they ask.

glastocat · 20/11/2012 16:50

Is your home a nice comfortable place to visit? At my mother in laws, Xmas consists of early mass, a cold house, no booze and she is a rotten cook. At my mums its Buck's Fizz for breakfast, lounging in pyjamas a all day and every delicacy known to man. Guess where we usually spend Xmas day. We visit my MIL another day. Last year we had Xmas at home and invited my MIL to come to us, but when we told her we had invited a friend who would otherwise be on their own she declined sulked.

Original poster

storynanny · 20/11/2012 17:09

hello there, thanks for kind replies, yes I always ask well in advance, have you any plans for Christmas yet, you know you are always welcome here. I do see UK based sons throughtout the year, but when they visit home town here its always fleeting, they seem to have lots of commitments, I sometimes feel just tacked on the end. Am realy really anxious not do guilt trip, but today was told eldest would be visiting 3 weeks before Christmas and wouldnt have time to stay for a meal! That was what prompted my sadness today.
Maybe I should get in my invitation for next Christmas now! Its times like this I wish I had a daughter! I think it is a boy thing, do you?

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 20/11/2012 17:20

You might be right about the boy thing, in that women tend to think about/plan for Christmas way in advance, whereas men don't seem to. Your son's partners have probably been commandeered by their own mothers ages ago and your sons have just been informed about their Christmas plans, rather than actually given any input I don't do this to dh, honestly. My brothers are spending the day with their IL's, too. One of them will be in California so he's not exactly gutted, but I do think that deep down they would prefer to be with their own parents rather than their ILs. They just weren't given much of a say in the planning, iyswim.

It could also be that they don't know how much you would like to see them, because you have been so careful not to guilt trip.

LucilleBluth · 20/11/2012 17:25

Your posts are so sad OP. I have two sons, they are only 11 and 8 but I would be devastated if they wouldn't make time for me when they are grown up.

I do have a daughter too but I don't feel like she is any different to her brothers iykwim.

tiggytape · 20/11/2012 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noddyholder · 20/11/2012 17:27

Why on'y you just ask them to spend xmas with you? Say you would really love it? Its only fair x

Original poster

storynanny · 20/11/2012 17:54

Think plans are already in place so it would turn into guilt trip if I make a fuss now. I also have the sadness of being long distance new first time nanny to cope with so that obviously is highlighting it more this year.

OP posts:

suburbophobe · 20/11/2012 18:09

Yes, Xmas is a sad time for many people...

But it is up to us - me - to make it as good as I can.

DS will be here, his dad is long gone and far away (having a much worse time than us, cos in Mali where the shit has hit the fan big time).

My dad died just before Xmas 2 years ago too.

Just a reminder to make it as good as I can for us. (and his uni friends who can't go home - Syria etc.).

katiecubs · 20/11/2012 18:18

I think it's often a boy thing too. In the same way all my friends have moved back locally to where we grew up dragging their DH/DP's behind them.

We tend to spend Christmas with my parents too although largely because they are much more fun. We get drunk and play games whilst DH's family is pretty dull :(

bassetfeet · 20/11/2012 18:42

I think it is just the way it goes storynanny. Am in similar circumstances to you with two sons and one abroad .

To be honest I am grateful not to be the one fretting over the turkey and gravy
I can open the Croft Original at 10am and burn dinner . Skype and face time on i-pad are your answer maybe . And when the lads do visit it is less tense .

Enjoy your day and reminisce .........your lads will be doing the same .

helpyourself · 20/11/2012 18:50

I'd be sad too. I think all you can do is ask them for a specific event.

Original poster

storynanny · 20/11/2012 18:52

Bassetfeet, what wise comments, thank youx

OP posts:

BuddyTheChristmasElf · 20/11/2012 18:56

"We tend to spend Christmas with my parents too although largely because they are much more fun. We get drunk and play games whilst DH's family is pretty dull"

but everyone elses family do christmas "wrong" and are dull, games are dull to non games-at-christmas people. Going to the ILs once in a while is never going to be as good as being with your own family who you can swear on front of after a few

stickyj · 20/11/2012 19:03

I know exactly how you feel. I have two teens at home. Mt DD visits her boyfriend Xmas morning and has lunch at home (she's def not a mammas girl, hates to be hugged etc). My youngest is only 14 so he's stuck here! No 2 child is coming home from Uni, v excited I am and still think of him as my baby, the boys put up with it cos I am such a family/Xmas freak.

I will not see No 1 son this year, too much water under the bridge and to me it is a bereavement, I feel like a failure and also my Dad has just died, so he won't actually be around, even tho he was in his care home for the last two years, we still went to see him.

I went stay with my BF parent's at Xmas when i was younger...only child...now I know how much it would have hurt my Mum and dad, even tho they wanted me to be happy.

I dread the day when it's just me and DH for Xmas...but maybe by then I might have grandchildre. But then we have the MIL and me tossup, who will they go to??

I just think that any time I spend with them is precious but I do think that you need to be more vocal. Tell them how you feel, maybe they think you're just laid back about stuff. Tell them you want to be a Mum and have them there, even if it's only for a quick drink and a mince pie. Do you get them presents, do they buy for you? When do you exchange gifts? I bet you spoil them all!!!

thebody · 20/11/2012 19:10

Oh op big big hugs.. My 2 lads are grown up but not settled yet but I know how lovingly dense they can be.

If I were you I would gently tell them how you feel a bit sad not to see them.

I bet they have no idea.

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