To get sad at Christmas

[storynanny]

AIBU to be sad at Christmas because in recent years my young adult sons have spent the holiday with their partners parents? I'm not a possessive parent honestly, none of my sons still live at home, one is abroad, 2 several hours away, just feeling a bit redundant to say the least. Don't want to cause friction though by making a fuss about .

[cbeebiesatemybrain]

I think you need to invite them properly, rather than just saying "you are welcome here" - I don't think I would consider that a proper invitation, more like you have something better planned but if they don't have anywhere to go they could join you iyswim?

[CMOTDibbler]

I'd def give them a firm invitation next year - something like 'I'd really like us all to be together this Christmas, so would you like to come to me ?'.

By saying 'you are welcome here' it makes it sound like 'if you have nothing else to do' and their ils may be the ones making firm plans.

[AThingInYourLife]

"I always ask well in advance, have you any plans for Christmas yet, you know you are always welcome here."

:( :( :(

That is so sad.

I think issuing a clear invitation for next year is a good idea.

It is quite shit of them (and their wives) never to visit at Christmas.

[storynanny]

I think eldest sons partner will always want to go to her parents, so what can I say? Will def do the specific invitation for next year though. I might do it now or would that be a bit too obvious?

[helpyourself]

And work on the relationship over the year. Not to say that any problems are your fault, but you can make steps to be able to say, 'my turn'

[cunexttuesonline]

YANBU. I would rather spend every xmas either on our own or with my family, like most people I imagine, however since we have been married we take it year about with my family and DH's. It's only fair. And I just have 1 DS so I will be in that situation one day. Before we were married we went our separate ways on xmas day for dinner and met up later.

[BuddyTheChristmasElf]

no it's not too soon, wish them a very merry christmas but do tell them that YOU MISSED THEM and that you would love to have everyone "home" for a change next year

[madmomma]

YANBU. But as other posters have said, it is the way it goes with most boys "a son is a son til he takes a wife" etc etc. But it's difficult and you deserve sympathy and a large

[HappySeven]

Basset, what a lovely post! I have a boy and a girl and they're both too young for it to have happened yet but as a DIL I wouldn't want to do that to my MIL and we alternate. The first few Christmases at my in-laws didn't feel like Christmas but now they do.

I really hope your sons' partners see the light soon and you get that special Christmas, storynanny. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

[HappySeven]

Ps I second what buddy says!!

[storynanny]

Thank you buddy and other postersxxxxx

[PropertyNightmare]

Well, I can totally understand why it must hurt but on the other hand you would not want to force people to come to yours for Christmas as that would only make for an unhappy time for all concerned. To soeak up snd complain would be a lose/lose situation. I think it is just one of those things that you just need to accept, really. Hopefully in future years things might change.
Try to focus on having a lovely Christmas day eith the people that you will be spending it with.

[FromEsme]

Christmas is sad for me too. My parents have decided to go to my brother's for the second year in a row - I don't get on with him and although I'm invited, I won't go. There's no spare room and I don't get on well enough with my family to have nowhere to retreat to.

I will be spending it with my partner's family - our relationship is floundering a bit, so it will be strange.

[whois]

Defo properly invite them next year:

I would absolutely LOVE to have you all at home next year for a change. Would lovely to have DS1 and gf and DS2 and gf all together for a family Christmas. So so so looking forward to seeing you all.


The GFs have probably told your sons where they are going for Xmas. Only fair to share a bit!

[Loveweekends10]

I think they should spend some time with you. It's a bit thoughtless of them not to. Be assertive and say for next year that is what you want to happen.

[skyatnight]

If that is what is happening, I think it is selfish and inconsiderate of your daughter-in-laws and in-laws, and your sons who should be thinking about you at Christmas. It is only fair that people take it in turns. Out of your three sons, surely one could make you a priority each year? Or, if you have the space, each third year, invite all 3 sons and partners. That way, your three sons can also enjoy spending a christmas together, like old times. I would stick up for yourself and, yes, guilt-trip them if necessary.

[kiwigirl42]

My Dad died on Xmas day at 1 pm 6 yrs ago so we always have a toast to him before the turkey gets carved. It is a bittersweet day though

[CaptainDennyisDead]

WHy do you think the situation has evolved to where it has today and can you fix it?

My mother feels the same but, to be honest, she was so horrid when I was growing up and so selfish during her divorce and starting her new life that I feel that she has reaped what she sowed. She is a damaged person and seems to have no recollection of the past. However, for the grandchildren, we do make an effort so, bizarrely this year and last year she and her husband have come to us. This is because I see how much our children love them and I'm a little weak.

[CaptainDennyisDead]

If you are completely blameless in the turn of events. Write an email, copying in your sons' partners asking for a rota to be set up?

[maddening]

I would have thought having a gc would change the Xmas dynamic - e.g. they might feel more obliged to alternate Xmas visits.

[LucilleBluth]

A son is a son until he takes a wife is the biggest load of crap I have ever heard.
If your sons partner is so controlling that he can't see his mum at Christmas then that's just wrong, imagine the situation reversed, OP you deserve to have at least one of your sons make an effort to see you at Christmas, what does your DH say, I can imagine mine giving our sons a lesson in what's right if I were in your situation.

[storynanny]

Captain, no unusual events led to this, just very independent boys living elsewhere with busy fulfilling lives. We are divorced parents, but living nearby amicably, no tension about where to visit, we just all get together when they visit us. My ex h is disappointed for me, think its slightly different for mums though. Loathe to write email as one poster suggests, don't want to be the cause of any unpleasantness. Think this is something I will just have to cope with this year and as suggested, make an early specific invitation for next year.

[CaptainDennyisDead]

Glad to hear there doesn't seem to be a specific reason as then it can be fixed. . It was me who suggested the email. It can be lovely in tone and the reason why I suggested including the DILs is that you could appeal to their sense of fairness/ pull on their heartstrings.

I thought something like:

We would love to see you all at Christmas but understand that all your families feel the same. Is there anyway we could organise it that we see one of you each year to celebrate together?
Love Mum

The reason I suggested a rota as it's not unusual to have a this year you/ next year them. In fact, it's very common with my friends and balancing between their own parents and their in-laws.

[DontmindifIdo]

Can I make a suggestion for your invitation next year, could you add onto it "but of course if the travelling at that time of year with a young family doesn't work for you, perhaps I could come to you?" (and if they don't have guest rooms, offer to book a Travelodge/the equivilant near your overseas DS)

A lot of older parents (espcially if they haven't had the sort of job where they were expected to work Christmas eve and the week between Christmas and New Year and/or always lived close to their own parents/PILs) don't seem to get the stress involved with "coming home" for Christmas - and throw in to that having to sit on a motorway traffic jam with small DCs, or even worst, the joy that is an airport in the snow, it starts to look a lot less fun, but more of an 'ordeal'. If you took away that element of it, you might find they would be happy to spend Christmas with you.

[PhilipLarkinwasright]

Since I've been on MN the most recurring theme is "AIBU not to go to my parents for Christmas." So many people are subject to this unfair expectation.

My parents made it clear I was expected to go to their's each year. Even when I met DH (who has no parents) and we had DC, it was still expected every year in a quiet but insistant "we don't want to make a fuss but will be upset if you dont" type of way.

After many years of sacrificing our own happiness to avoid their emotional blackmail, DH and I now loathe Christmas. We don't see it as our holiday as we've never been able to make it our own in our own home. I'm nearly 50 now and both parents still going strong.

The best Christmas gift for our DC will be to have no obligation at all to do Christmas anything other than where and how they wish to. It'll be lovely if the DC join (2 are this year, eldest isn't) but if they don't we'll enjoy doing all those things we've never been able to do e.g. coffee in bed with a sherry chaser, and will enjoy the fact that our fab kids are out there being happy and having their own lovely lives.