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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to dislike this mother?

46 replies

fallingsun · 19/11/2012 08:02

Yesterday a friend invited me and dd (13mo) for coffee at her house. She invited a couple of other mutual friends too, one of whom often doesn't turn up to our coffee mornings but is still a 'loose' friend.

The four children were playing on the floor, most walking/crawling but not my dd as she has some mobility problems with her legs (all know this) so we always sit her near us with some toys and the other babies sit and play when they aren't running around away from us.

After a few minutes, 'loose' friends ds was hovering over dd, trying to take her drink. Dd was getting upset with this so I was ready to pick her up, but loose friend was between us,hovering behind her ds. I tried to go around but loose friend was blocking, trying to fix the situation but basically just observing, she didn't move either baby away. Then her baby bit dd on the shoulder :( dd screamed and cried, I grabbed her as the others moved out the way.

Dds shoulder was red and inflamed as I comforted her, I said this but loose friend brushed it off, she then said oh her ds 'oh he always bites now!'

Aibu to be really upset with her, I feel really annoyed that if she knew he bites then she should've moved him sooner? I know I won't think twice about being rude and pushing past if I feel my dd is at risk in the future. My dd often plays with the other babies no problem, I don't want her mobility issues to mean she can't play with the more physically able babies.

There was no apology, no checking dd was ok or text later. Dd has a big bruise this morning.

OP posts:

lisad123 · 19/11/2012 08:06

Loose friend is a cow, not babies fault, they do tend to go though this phase and is quite normal although very upsetting.
She should have said sorry and checked on dd but lucky for you she's not there too often.
As for mobility issues, my dd was the one that wasn't moving when other ones were and got fed up with the "isn't she crawling/sitting/walking yet" that I gave up on those friends. Your other friends sounds nice

valiumredhead · 19/11/2012 08:06

She should have apologised but this is normal baby behaviour - give it a couple of months and you might be quite horrified at what your baby does then

Chottie · 19/11/2012 08:10

I think she should have butted out and definitely told her D "no" in a firm voice when she bit her D. Perhaps there's a reason she's a 'loose' friend?!?

NervousAt20 · 19/11/2012 08:13

YANBU the mother was out of order and should have apologized and been concerned enough to check and ask if your DD was okay. It's not the LOs fault but how will he ever learn not to do it if she doesn't tell him it's wrong

pingu2209 · 19/11/2012 08:15

I think the biting incident stands alone from your dd mobility issues. This little boy is likely to bite mobile children too. You must be upset and angry as your little one was distressed, but it really is normal behaviour.

I have 3 children and I have to say that my attitude with no. 3 was very different to no. 1. Much more relaxed. If no.3 was a biter, I may have brushed the incident away with little thought and no apology (although that is rude), because I would have assumed that everyone knows that biting is just a phase. Although, we no.1 I would have been horrified and full of apology.

The mother was thoughtless but perhaps she is very relaxed about the biting too.

NoraGainesborough · 19/11/2012 08:20

I think that she should have apologised and at least attempted to tell her child 'no'.

However I don't think your dds mobility has anything to do with anything really. I don't see why incidents like this would lead you to worry she won't be able to play with more mobile children.

Rollmops · 19/11/2012 08:24

Just wait until your DD starts biting. Calm down, babies/toddlers can and will do 'horrrrrid' things to each other. It's just a phase and it will pass.

Original poster

fallingsun · 19/11/2012 08:29

Thanks for all your thoughts. I mentioned the mobility issue as dd can't move to escape if she feels intimidated, that's why I keep her fairly close and the other 'nice' mothers watch out too that the other babies aren't clambering on her/taking her food etc, she is literally a sitting duck as it were.

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 19/11/2012 08:31

I think you are victimising your baby far too much. This happens all the time, it's not nice but does happen!

MrsBucketxx · 19/11/2012 08:33

biting is not acceptable my ds went through a biting fase (me mostly) and it flippin well hurt.

an apoology is the least she can do.

BillyBollyBandy · 19/11/2012 08:37

She was rude. I had a friend with a ds like this, who has never apologised or moderated her son's behaviour. She has done him no favours.

And regardless of how many children I had (I have 2) I wouldn't think it was just a stage. It isnt for a lot of babies, and if it is for yours you hover and try to prevent.

pigletmania · 19/11/2012 08:38

lF is a bit of a loose parent, of course it was not the babies fault but she should have known her ds bites and moved him out the way beforehand, and be extremely apologetic. I would have been . She might be one f those mums who te little Taquin do as he pleases, and it's everybody else fault

Chrysanthemum5 · 19/11/2012 08:44

YANBU. Yes, biting is a phase, but if you know you have a biter on your hands then you as the parent need to be watchful. It's not acceptable to just brush it off. I just don't get this attitude that little babies and children should be expected to put with aggression or being hurt. The least you can do as the parent is watch your child to make sure s/he is not hurting other children. If that means you don't get to sit and chat then that's too bad.

AThingInYourLife · 19/11/2012 08:46

You don't get to be "relaxed" about a 13 month old with a bruised shoulder caused by your inadequate supervision of your biting child.

Biting is a normal stage for toddlers, but it still hurts.

valiumredhead · 19/11/2012 09:18

Well clearly some are more relaxed than others

milkymocha · 19/11/2012 09:22

YANBU for being upset about this.
YABU for not confronting this woman!

Jingleflobba · 19/11/2012 09:23

When DC2 went through a biting phase I was a stereotypical helicopter mother. For about 2 months I wouldn't leave her alone anywhere and as she was in nursery at the time I told the staff to watch her as she bit constantly, it was mortifying, I would pick her up and ask the staff everytime if there was anyone I had to apologise to!
If you have a biter you have to be vigilant all the time. Fortunatly it didn't last long but I was a nervous wreck for weeks!

threesocksmorgan · 19/11/2012 09:26

you should have bit the mother!
yanbu
as you say your child cannot escape

MarthasHarbour · 19/11/2012 09:27

I am that so many posters are downplaying biting... for the record my DS (age 3) has never bitten another child, and if he did i would have dealt with the situation immediately.

Regardless if it is a phase, it is still unacceptable. I know two mums who allow their LO's to bite, kick, hit, scratch, all the while shrugging it off as a 'phase'. However they are finding themselves less and less popular.

OP YANBU. In that situation you would have been justified in saying something to 'loose' friend. If the LO was older i would have told him off myself TBH

MarthasHarbour · 19/11/2012 09:27

jingleflobba that is how i would be!

FryOneFatManic · 19/11/2012 09:42

Regardless of biting being a phase that some toddlers go through, there's no excuse for not checking up on a child that your child has bitten. Why should other babies/toddlers have to suffer because the parent just lets the biter get on with it.

DD didn't bite but got bitten badly by one child. DS did bite a little, but it got nipped in the bud pretty quickly.

diddl · 19/11/2012 09:55

She sounds ridiculous.

She knows he bites but essentially just let it happen & then didn´t have the courtesy to ask after your child.

Horrible!

I also agree that not all children bite, either-neither of mine did, & I don´t know any who did.

Maybe because they were watched & not given the opportunity?

fatcuntroller · 19/11/2012 09:56

The other child should definitely have been told off for the biting. However a LOT of babies/toddlers go through a biting phase, and this really isn't the only time it will happen.

I agree that the other mother should have apologised and checked your dd was ok.

fatcuntroller · 19/11/2012 09:58

diddl you can't possibly helicopter a biting toddlers every move, especially not if they are not an only child.

Sounds like this mother could have intervened but its not always possible.

blanksquit · 19/11/2012 10:01

My friend had a biter and it's mortifying. Everybody dragging their dc away if they saw her coming anywhere near. Having to helicopter the dc. It took ages for her to stop, despite my friend being really on top of it.

Another friend her ds went round slapping everyone - at least several times a day. She was quite "relaxed" about it. It irritated me and I coped with it by making a fuss of mine. But I wouldn't say I disliked her.

It's really not nice for a baby to be hurt and the mum's reaction wasn't good.

But they all do something antisocial at some time or another. If you are going to dislike people every time it happens, you'll end up with no friends. If you have a little understanding with other people, perhaps they'll do the same for you if your dc does something similar.

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