to dislike this mother?

[fallingsun]

Yesterday a friend invited me and dd (13mo) for coffee at her house. She invited a couple of other mutual friends too, one of whom often doesn't turn up to our coffee mornings but is still a 'loose' friend.

The four children were playing on the floor, most walking/crawling but not my dd as she has some mobility problems with her legs (all know this) so we always sit her near us with some toys and the other babies sit and play when they aren't running around away from us.

After a few minutes, 'loose' friends ds was hovering over dd, trying to take her drink. Dd was getting upset with this so I was ready to pick her up, but loose friend was between us,hovering behind her ds. I tried to go around but loose friend was blocking, trying to fix the situation but basically just observing, she didn't move either baby away. Then her baby bit dd on the shoulder :( dd screamed and cried, I grabbed her as the others moved out the way.

Dds shoulder was red and inflamed as I comforted her, I said this but loose friend brushed it off, she then said oh her ds 'oh he always bites now!'

Aibu to be really upset with her, I feel really annoyed that if she knew he bites then she should've moved him sooner? I know I won't think twice about being rude and pushing past if I feel my dd is at risk in the future. My dd often plays with the other babies no problem, I don't want her mobility issues to mean she can't play with the more physically able babies.

There was no apology, no checking dd was ok or text later. Dd has a big bruise this morning.

Well they are young-the sort of age when I would be wary of leaving them alone/2 together!

Often though you can tell that they are going to.

But tbh, if they have done it once-then of course they should be watched-especially in such a situation!

Yes it's a pretty normal phase but only a total twat wouldn't apologise and ask if the hurt baby is ok.
YANBU.
'lose friend' has shown herself to be a careless, unfeeling idiot.
I would be keeping my distance if I were you!

I completely agree the other mum should have told her son off (at 13 months I'd have said "no", moved them well away from the toys etc). She should also have apologised and checked your dd was ok.

But do also agree this can be a phase, and just because your children haven't ever bitten is not a sign of your own wonderful parenting (and no, neither of mine ever bit - but I am friends with parents of biters and know it wasn't some delinquence on their part). As with so many parenting things, you can't help what your child has done when they bite, but you can certainly respond in such a way that means they will stop at some point.

A parent can't help their child's being in a biting phase, but should do vigilant hovering if they know about the biting. Once her child's bitten a few times she should have a good idea of his triggers and be ready to step into a likely trigger situation BEFORE he actually bites.

Well she should have apologised, no question.

However it sounds like she was hovering over him, watching carefully, and he got in when she was (briefly) distracted. They can go in very quickly, I've seen it happen to my dd1. She got a nasty bite at about that age when both me and the other parent were both right next to them watching.

Dd1 and dd2 never bit anyone, or looked likely to. Ds was a biter-only about 3-4 times but each time it was totally unpredictable, done in the middle of playing nicely. He'd grown out of it by about 18 months, but I hovered over him for ages after that too. I felt much worse as the parent of the biter than the parent of the bitten.

Biting is extremely common. I have one child who never did it, one who did it a couple of times and one who bites her brothers. If I"d only had the first child, I too would have been aghast at people "playing it down".

HOwever, the other mother should have apologised and, given she was helicoptering round her DS watching, she should have seen him going in for the bite. I assume that was why she was watching him in the first place.

She should have apologised, definitely. But you are being a bit precious and overreacting to say you dislike her. You were clearly standing in judgement of her before your DD was even bitten! It's a bite. Your DD will survive.

Sorry, that sounds harsh and I didn't mean it to. In essence, I agree with you that she was totally wrong.

I have 6 kids and I wouldnt have just brushed it off with any of them. Children dont learn that something is unacceptable unless they are shown/told.

Its only a phase if the mother ensures it is, otherwise it will be something he does for years.

Biting may be common but its not acceptable, his mum should have done more as he's not going to learn its wrong if she just brushes it off, is it possible she felt embarrassed?

My DD has never bitten anyone but has been in the recieving end of a really nasty bite, it happens and its not very nice, his mum should have at least said no to him and apologised to you.

YANBU

soupdragon hit the nail on the head - she obviously was aware that he was likely to bite your DD and she should have been ready to apologise!

I think she should have removed him and told him 'no!', and she certainly should have apologised.

My sister never apologised when her thuggish little shitbag of a son used to hit and shove my dd when she was a toddler. I was delighted when she whacked him back one day and he was the one crying for a change. But I digress. I don't think yabu to dislike this mother for not apologising or removing her biting baby.

Did she not even tell her kid off? Thats wrong if she didnt.

Loose friend sounds like a loser. You should take comfort from the fact that you are the better, more attentive parent . Some people struggle to parent effectively and your pal is one of them. She also lacks people skills. Of course she should have picked up on your awkwardness at her child upsetting yours re the drink. Guess she is not a people person. Poor woman, not got a lot going for her really!

I think she could have stepped in sooner if she knows her son is a biter. My son (17months) has been known to do this too. I will hover very near him where he can see me and catch his eye and tell him that I'm watching him. He now slopes off to do something else. It's taken some time though to get him to do that. Before this worked I had to pick him up each time it looked to me that he might well bite. When he does do something like that I sit him on my lap in a sort of time out while he moans. Then I turn him loose again.

I don't think YANBU to think she could have done something and apologised to some degree but unless my son had drawn blood (he never has) I wouldnt be badgering you by text checking your DD was ok and grovelling. While your DD may not be a biter later on (my DD never bit to my knowledge) she will no doubt display other less than desirable behaviour to others so I wouldnt be quite so judgey of this mum.

Wow, PropertyNightmare! And you were able to pick all that up from a single account by the OP?

Yep, loose friend sounds socially maladjusted. Can't notice OP's discomfort at an escalating situation. Unsure of expected social responses (not apologising for the 'bite' or showing any sympathy or concern). Unable to act to avert the inevitable (would have been simple to distract or move her baby given she was already hovering). Some people do find simple everyday interactions very difficult. If OP looks at it this way she may feel better about the situation. Rather than disliking the woman, OP should probably feel sorry for her.

It does seem odd to watch your child trying to take another´s drink & do nothing-regardless of whether or not they bite!

Perhaps as she´s not such a close friend she did feel less able to act-although she felt confident enough to "hover"?

Thanks again for all the replies. I spoke to my friend whose house we were at. She said she was really fed up with loose friend as apparently her ds has hit and bitten other babies recently and loose friend always brushes it off apparently, as long as her ds is ok is her attitude!

So I think I will try to avoid seeing loose friend again, she doesn't seem like a very nice person to me.

I'm also not that tolerant of 'it's just a phase'. Maybe so, but doesn't mean that it's ok to ignore it - how will the kid learn it's not ok if they're not told?

We went to the park with a friend who had a dd same age as mine (coming uo to 3 at this stage). Her dd was a 'pusher', shoving other children around to get what she wanted or move them out of her way. Her mum also didn't really react, either a quick 'I said don't push' but no further comment or sanction, or a wry smile to us other parents and 'She does seem to push all the time.' On the ground it was annoying but never really hurt any of the other children so we sort of put up with it.

Then her dd pushed mine at the top of a slide. DD was trying to sit herself down, so she was crouched at the top as she tried to get her legs underneath her when she got a good hard shove in the back. She lost her balance and fell forwards and to one side. She came over the edge of the slide head first, narrowly missing cracking her face on the raised edge of the slide as she came over. Fortunately, I was standing on the same side and right underneath (mainly because I'd seen the other child go up and didn't trust her to wait her turn - DD was safe on a slide by herself). I managed to catch her as she fell - if I'd been on the other side, or a little way away, she'd have gone head first onto the floor underneath. The reaction from the other parent was the standard 'Don't push - it's not nice'. DD could have been seriously hurt, and for ages afterwards she screamed in terror if another child tried to use a slide that she was on.

The child involved had no way of knowing that pushing at the top of a slide was more serious than pushing on the ground- my issue lay with the parent who chose not to make a point of telling her dd it was wrong full stop.
DD has, and sometimes does still, push, snatch, hit etc etc. She gets a proper telling off, removed from the situation if necessary etc. I don't tolerate it at all, phase or not. She has to learn or she could unwittingly do someone some real damage.

As I said above, its only a phase if the parent makes it so, by teaching the child that its wrong and so the child eventually stops. If the parents doesnt teach that its wrong then it because permanent behaviour and in a few years the same parents will be hauled up to school because their child has been bullying and assaulting others.

Sad thing is, the child will suffer but it will be the parents fault.