To wonder what's wrong with being judgy?

[Betterthedrivelyouknow]

'Thou shalt not judge' appears to be an unwritten MN commandment. Anyone having the temerity to disapprove of something is shot down and decried as being 'judgy' as though that's a bad thing.

Now, I'm totally against superficial judgements- on how someone looks or talks etc. but am struggling to understand the horror of judging people by their behaviour and actions? If someone behaves in a way contrary to that I believe to be right, then why shouldn't I make a judgment in my own mind?

What's wrong with saying 'x chain smokes, gets pissed and swears like a navvy infront of her small children, therefore x is not someone I want to be around'?

I think it's "policed" so heavily by the users of MN because otherwise it would turn into a big bitchy judge-fest on here! And that wouldn't be so interesting. Stating

Loads of threads saying... "X is a right old slapper and she smokes and eats Iceland ready meals" is not something that would bring me to the site.

Some things want a damn good judgin' if you ask me.

That said, I used to swear like a navvy in front of the DCs (only one of them was smallish though). Have almost given it up now.

Aha mrs , that makes sense- never realised the practical use for non-judgy ness for keeping threads on topic.

Those are the kind of judgements that either should stay in your own mind or if you want to post on MN should always be started with the fact that you have pulled on your great big pair of judgy pants.

Nothing wrong with being judgey. In your head though, not out loud in RL.

Treat others as you would like to be treated yourself

We don't know all the facts, only a snap shot however long the OP

There are always 2 or more sides to a story

But it is lots of fun.

There are things that should be judged.

There are things that shouldn't.

imo, if it doesn't affect you, doesn't hurt you in any way and isn't damaging to any innocent party - you should pack away your judgy pants.

If, otoh, it affects you or it affects an innocent person, whether or not you know them - then you should judge. you should feel that someone's actions are inexcusable sometimes.

Never judging anyone no matter what they do is wrong, imo. Sometimes people do things that are so awful that they deserve condemnation.

YANBU. But then I'm a right judgemental bastard

We ALL judge. I honestly don't believe anyone who says they don't, in fact the ones who say 'I don't judge people, I might not think what they do is the best thing but I am not judging' are the WORST of all!

But surely everbody judges in a split second, instant reaction, can't help it. It's how you choose to deal with it consciously that counts.

I still feel really bad about offending a friend of mine by leading her to think that I didn't like her because she was posh!

It's v important to judge. If you don't, you aren't assessing situations, being aware of your instincts or information available. It's a normal, natural reaction. An instinct really which helps us move safely through the world.

But if you're still hoiking your bosoms over that day in '03 when her from number 28 did the school run in her pyjamas for the only time in her whole life, then you're taking it to a ridiculous extreme.

I think aibu has a lot to answer for. Nobody is bu for thinking things. AIBU to feel something or think something or question something? No of course not. To act on 89% of your fleeting thoughts? Probably.

For example...

AIBU to feel sad that x person smokes whilst pregnant?

Of course not, it is a bit sad, for whatever reason. But you can expect 8 million replies of YABU and rude and mean and are you perfect and have you nothing else to worry about and I would NEVER EVER judge that woman. I'm going to stick my neck out and say most people would judge the action of smoking while pregnant. And you can do this even while sympathising or understanding why it might happen. AIBU to pour water on a smoking pg woman? Now that might be a relevant question.

Aye fanjo I judge anyone who claims not to judge to be deluded!

It's hard to say. I think people want to feel that they wouldn't want to be overly judgemental because they don't know how they themselves would behave in a given situation but .... in saying all that, I find posts starting with 'No judgement' or 'Don't judge!' incredibly irritating and will probably judge in those cases

Hecate
The other day I saw a woman in the supermarket with her teenage dd. the girl was wearing tiny short that exposed her bum cheeks and the outline of her vulva. I was horrified and I judged the mother massively. What do you think to that?

What do I think of the teenager with the visible vulva, or what do I think of you for judging?

Am I allowed to judge
I am very discombobulated at the thought that I might not be agreeing with you.

I agree. Surely 'judging' is just 'using your judgment'? And agree that some people's behaviour deserves some robust judgment!

Why did you judge the Mother.... she may have battled and battled with the girl, and the clothes may be the smallest of all the battles she is having with said daughter.....

I think there is a lot of confusion around what is an opinion and what is a judgement.

e.g.

woman wearing a very short skirt which is not flattering

Opinion - Ooh, that skirt is not very flattering - I think a nice A line skirt would look much better.

Judgement - She's a slaaaaaaggg

sunny day - people pissed on bus going home

Opinion - Ooh, they look like they've had a lovely time today. I wish I could have spent some time drinking in the open air instead of being stuck in an office all day.

Judgement - they are lazy feckers that have spent all their benefits on booze.

See ?

haha!

Join the big long queue of people not agreeing with me! It's twice round mumsnet and half the way to netmums!

Yes, I'd judge. I think it's horrible when people wear things that leave their arse cheeks hanging free or display their genitals. I'd want to go and wrap a sheet round her!

because being judgy is the preserve of the stupid

Good point Tess. You're right. There is a difference and it's an important one. What I would have in the case above is an opinion. A strong one!

Nowt wrong with having an opinion Hecate