To stop having sex?....is it over?

[mumstonic]

Sorry, I this is long. I just need to get some perspective on this as its killing me?

My relationship with DP has hit an all-time low. The main issue for most of our arguments is sex or the lack of. Since having DD3 (6months) I have had absolutely no sex drive whatsoever. In fact it?s fair to say, I actually really dislike sex and will do anything to avoid it.

I know that there are several issues at play here, firstly I?m still breastfeeding. Secondly, DP and I have been through a really difficult few years and we have trust issues. He hasn?t cheated, but he has lied allot and as a result I still feel hurt and struggle to get over the past. Thirdly, we?ve had our fair share of other problems; I lost my dad in tragic circumstances, my mum was diagnosed with invasive breast cancer, my two younger brothers have both been recently diagnosed with a degenerative heart condition, our business failed, we were sued for a car accident that didn?t even happen, we?re in debt and now the job DP has been made redundant and so I?ll have to return to a job I hate with a bullying boss.

DP can?t seem to seem to understand that I?m struggling to function, let alone perform in the bedroom. Not a day goes by when he doesn?t ask for sex and to him it?s the most important thing in the world. We argue about sex every day and he can?t seem to recognise we have bigger problems that need addressing before I can feel relaxed enough to get intimate. In the past I would have sex once or twice a week, just to shut him up, but even then it was never enough. In fact I could have sex with him every day and he?d still want more. So recently, I have given up on sex completely AIBU?.

My rationale behind adopting a no sex rule, is that we need to focus on the other aspects of our relationship first. I?m struggling to forgive him for some of the things he has done and I resent him for not appreciating me more. Of course I know this is massively unfair to withhold sex, but I just can?t seem to bring myself to do it and I hate him for continuingly pushing the issue. The last time we had sex I cried throughout and of course this made him feel like sh*t. He feels rejected and unloved and I feel as though he expects too much of me. Can we get through this? Please help.

Hi, I very rarely post on here but was going though similar problems a year ago.

My ex would constantly nag and pressure me for sex. Even thinking about it now makes me want to scream. For a while I gave in and would do it but it was never enough for him, he would talk of booking a hotel room so it could go on all night. Every conversation would be turned into his plans of what he expected from me.

He was also very selfish. He made bad choices with money and used the fact he earned more than me as an excuse for his behaviour. He also refused to cook or clean because 'he worked longer hours'.

He had messages on his phone from a girl but still claims nothing happened.

I kicked him out a year ago and don't regret it. You don't realise how much kids pick up on things but I think it was giving them a screwed up kind of what is a normal relationship.

Maybe you will be able to work things out but in my experience people don't change drastically.

Also, I was in a relationship before the ex and my partners mother died. He didn't want to have sex and I completely understood this. It went on for months and we would just cuddle in bed even though I would have liked to. What kind of person wants to force someone into having sex with them, its just bloody creepy!

If someone does not want sex at the moment because of emotional difficulties, the last thing you should do is make it all about yOurself, especially if some of the emotional difficulties are caused by the fact you have been untrustworthy.

It's not kind, and, more pragmatically, it does not work.

A better relationship creates a desire for sex, alongside any medical treatment that is necessary

Anon

What kind of person wants to force someone into having sex with them, its just bloody creepy!

I agree

Ok I haven't got time to read it all, but I did want to offer a different perspective.

We have had the year from hell, its been absolutely dreadful, I wont go into detail suffice to say we are living through a nightmare. We have 2

Anonymous, I am just scrolling backwards, I think that this "I don't "get" sex at all - never have done. If you want a baby, fine. But it seems like a weird way to show someone you love them. Cuddles and kisses are lovely - sex is just messy and uncomfortable, followed by a couple of weeks (depending on circumstances) of either panicking that you might be pregnant or stressing out because you might not be." is so so sad :(.

Is that really all you think there is to sex? I love my husband so much, and have clung to him these past 10 months, there is a great comfort in sharing with him an intimacy I can't share with anyone else. When things were at their worst, skin to skin, in a darkened room, curled up together, was all that kept me going through the blackest of time.

izzy yeah, for me sex is what gets us through the bleak times, it's the glue that sticks us together. Saying that, we go through long periods of no sex and other periods of a lot of sex depending on what's going on.

You are not 'witholding' sex. That would be like saying you want it, but are using it as a weapon. You don't want it.

OP when I was expressing milk for ds who was in SCBU I know dh found the whole thing incredibly attractive and set fuck knows why the weirdo BUT if he had pestered me like your dh is doing I think I would have killed him. He didn't force the issue as he loved me and could see what a rough time I was having. What your dh is doing is horrible and I would have a long hard think about spending the rest of my life with someone who behaves like he does.

Try and get counselling, even if it;s just for you - might help to see things clearer x

Anonymous, i promise you my DP wouldn't be! But actually i feel sad for you, you are missing out.

sexy not set

Hi OP, I really feel for you. I have an 18 week/4month old (and a 3yo) and am not feeling sexual yet at all either. Pre-pregnancy, dh and I had a very good sex life, and had sex a few times a week, but we haven't had any since I had ds and are not likely to for the foreseeable, due to my post-birth issues. Dh is 'red-blooded' too (as was I!) but the difference between his behaviour and your dh's is immense. His main concern is how I am feeling, not how much sex he is or isn't getting. He would never pressure me or make me feel bad, or act like sex was a 'need' of his that I should provide for him. If he did I wouldn't even consider having sex with him because I just wouldn't want to. We have talked about my issues and have tried various things, most recently we have decided that we will not expect it to happen at all (so no pressure) but we will try to have a cuddle every night. We will sort it eventually!

Not having sex with your dh is fine, it's not and shouldn't be considered a duty, but telling him he's on sex ban is a terrible idea! Firstly it plays into his idea that sex is something that is for his pleasure, and for you to decide to provide for him or not, and secondly, it doesn't do anything to resolve the issues you have in your relationship. You need to have a conversation about what the problems are (and him hassling you is a big one) and try and work on them so that you want to have sex with him again (when you start feeling like it).

I would also recommend seeing your GP about possible PND. I have been taking sertraline for PND for 2 weeks now and it has already made a difference. It is fine to take while bfing as well.

But Izzy, we curl up together every night in a darkened room too when we go to sleep together! And I wouldn't do that with anyone else either. So why do we need to go one step further and have sex to be considered "intimate"? Why is cuddling and kissing and giggling together not enough?

As for being the 'glue that sticks us together' - well that's one of the bits I don't like!

Anon Have you never had an orgasm? It's just not the same as kissing and cuddles and it's definitly not just a tingly feeling!

I don't know. I thought I had, but maybe not - it certainly didn't seem amazing enough to want to bother having another one!

YANBU

First off, I didn't remotely feel like sex for the first 8-9 months of ds's life, but I was on my own, so it wasn't a problem.
I think breast feeding does kill the urge tbh.

Secondly, I recall being married to an abusive twat, who would nag me incessantly for sex, and make me feel faulty for not just doing it.
Being nagged is NOT a turn on, particularly when your are already feeling a lack of trust in the person who wants it.

Thirdly-you lost your dad, your mum is in danger, and so are your brothers. Your business went to the wall, and now you are going to go back to a job you hate.
Er, yeah, none of that would make me feel sexy either.

As far as "needs" go-sex with another human being is NOT a posh form of wanking. It does actually involves their needs too.
I think , if you want to stay with him then Relate is your first port of call, simply for the fact that they might be able to get some of the above into his thick head.

Anon, amazing post but if it works for you guys then that's all that matters. How though I don't know.

Op you both need someone to chat to, you both have issues I think and need help to stay together.

We have been through just as hellish times as you guys desth, serious injury to one child child, redundancy and mental illness of another chikd but intimacy, cuddles and sex helped us through them

Your post shows such sadness, please get some help for you both..

you need help.
firstly, you've just had DD3. 3. how anyone can manage 3 children and a sex life, i have no idea. i admire you for even considering it. and you're hardly out of labour, at three months.
then you've got all the other (very sad) stuff in your life.
and a husband who demands sex all the time. yes, he might have his own issues but for goodness sake, does he not have a right hand? he's making such a fuss about sex that he's bullying you.
phone the hospital where you had DD3 and ask the mother and baby team about counselling - if they do it, you'll be with a counsellor more quickly than going through the gp. if not, gp it is, slow but necessary. you do need someone impartial to talk to. and i don't mean a sex counsellor. your life is very hard right now and you need support.
also collect evidence of his income - do that as soon as he goes out of the house. put it somewhere safe. and your documents, drivers licence, passport. somewhere he can't find it. not with a friend - they tell. get yourself down to the CAB and find out about rights, benefits etc. someone linked to the CSA maintenance checker the other day, didn't they? this is 'just in case' stuff.
you can't carry him and the children - you'll break under the strain.
get help, please.

lol anon if it works for you ....

We dont just kiss and cuddle - I was trying not to be graphic. It's hard to explain in writing - but there is just something more about post orgasmic kissing and cuddling, for me anyway.

The feelings I have for dh are not something I experienced pre DH.

schro my point was that he has gone for help before and not taken it so would counselling be the sort of thing he would go for ? It was not a statement on depressed people and their actions in general .

Trust me, there is a difference between accepting counselling and accepting you have to take drugs to change the way you think. The thought of that can mess you up even more.

Thank you for all of your comments and thank god for MN as, I dont feel as though I can off-load this on anyone I know.

My HV does visit me every few weeks and whilst she is lovely, she of course isnt qualified to give relationship advice, but she does reassure me that I'm doing a good job with the kids which is something. I also have the numbers for relate, which I'll bite the bullet and ring tomorrow.

This evening, DP was in a particularly shitty mood. He's working his last few days at work and is obviously stressed about money. I'm stressed too as I know that ultimately i'm the one who will supports us financially by returning to work early, but if I'm honest its always been that way. He hates that I earn more than him (whole other thread).

Earlier, I asked him to change DD3's nappy whilst I served dinner and his response with simply "no". Later I asked him to feed her and again same response.

He has sat on his iphone all evening so a moment ago, I asked him if he feels as though he has bonded with DD3 and why doesnt he ever pay her attention or cuddle her. He denies that he treats her differently and says i'm talking rubbish. He then made a few sarcastic comments about sex before stropping off to bed. I think he may see DD3 as an obstacle in the way of sex - perhaps he resents her? This isn't right at all - we cant even speak anymore.

Okay, now I do think he's an arse. No explanation, just "no"?

Hope you are okay, OP. :(

yes,it does sound like he's blaming dd :( Can you go on like this?