To stop having sex?....is it over?

[mumstonic]

Sorry, I this is long. I just need to get some perspective on this as its killing me?

My relationship with DP has hit an all-time low. The main issue for most of our arguments is sex or the lack of. Since having DD3 (6months) I have had absolutely no sex drive whatsoever. In fact it?s fair to say, I actually really dislike sex and will do anything to avoid it.

I know that there are several issues at play here, firstly I?m still breastfeeding. Secondly, DP and I have been through a really difficult few years and we have trust issues. He hasn?t cheated, but he has lied allot and as a result I still feel hurt and struggle to get over the past. Thirdly, we?ve had our fair share of other problems; I lost my dad in tragic circumstances, my mum was diagnosed with invasive breast cancer, my two younger brothers have both been recently diagnosed with a degenerative heart condition, our business failed, we were sued for a car accident that didn?t even happen, we?re in debt and now the job DP has been made redundant and so I?ll have to return to a job I hate with a bullying boss.

DP can?t seem to seem to understand that I?m struggling to function, let alone perform in the bedroom. Not a day goes by when he doesn?t ask for sex and to him it?s the most important thing in the world. We argue about sex every day and he can?t seem to recognise we have bigger problems that need addressing before I can feel relaxed enough to get intimate. In the past I would have sex once or twice a week, just to shut him up, but even then it was never enough. In fact I could have sex with him every day and he?d still want more. So recently, I have given up on sex completely AIBU?.

My rationale behind adopting a no sex rule, is that we need to focus on the other aspects of our relationship first. I?m struggling to forgive him for some of the things he has done and I resent him for not appreciating me more. Of course I know this is massively unfair to withhold sex, but I just can?t seem to bring myself to do it and I hate him for continuingly pushing the issue. The last time we had sex I cried throughout and of course this made him feel like sh*t. He feels rejected and unloved and I feel as though he expects too much of me. Can we get through this? Please help.

If you had started this thread as a reverse AIBU, there would be plenty of posters telling you that you have needs and just because he isn't interested he can't expect you not to.

He doesn't sound abusive, he sounds like he has his own problems with the relationship (lack of intimacy) and is going about dealing with it the wrong way.

If you were having sex twice a week before, it's not that he suddenly needs it every day, it's that he's chancing it whenever possible in the hope you will.

Your comment about a "no sex rule", hell, if you posted your DP has said that he would be getting called abusive.

Fair enough if you don't want to. Seek counselling for both of you instead of insisting on rules as it will only make things worse. It would be very unfair of you to expect your DH to stop having sex or intimacy completely because you don't want to split up.

I hope things get better for you.

I think it's unfair to call his lack of bond with the baby 'a red flag' I hav seen so many women on here say how they can't bond with their baby, and all they are given is support.

The rest of it, the lies etc - well only OP really knows.

Mimstar - yes, that was wrong of me, i meant a warning flag abut his mental health really, rather than a "red flag" in the context it is used on here - sorry OP x

I did think exactly that. If it was the other way around I'm sure I'd feel terrible too. However, I just dont know how I can bring myself to be intimte with a man I struggle to trust.

He hasnt suddenly started wanting it everyday - he has always had a high sex drive. Even when we did have a healthy sex life he would always want more, and would talk about sex constantly. Sometimes I think its such a big part of who he is, that without sex he just cant function.

I know if I have sex more, we would argue less, but I just dont think I can do it. It would be awful and I'll grow to hate him I'm sure of it. At the same time, its unfair on him, but then its his behaviour thats caused me to withdraw.

I also think the breast feeding plays a part, I dont feel sexual urges at all.

Btw, I was not in anyway saying you should just have sex with him. That's not the answer either.

You both need counselling so he can learn to be a better and more considerate partner and you can hopefully learn to trust him.

When I was BF (wasn't for very long though) I felt horrible at the thought of any kind of contact at all, my milk continued for a long time after I stopped and I still didn't feel like my body was my own IYSWIM? So I think BF probably does play a big part.

God OP I feel for you, I really do. It sounds like a bloody awful situation all round.

Its fairly common to go off sex after the birth if a child, especially when you're breastfeeding. It's even more common when you're stressed and depressed, and boy do you have things to be stressed about!

If you can't afford couples counselling is there any possibility of individual counselling? If you both go to the GP and tell them how you're depressed and struggling to cope would it be possible you'd be offered individual counselling? It might help for now?

I think his desire for sex is normal, but the way he's going about it is decidedly not. You both need to sit down and talk and be really honest with each other, really, really honest. And sort of build your relationship from the ground up again. That is, if you want to continue this relationship.

You can afford counselling. Google "marriage care". They do it on a voluntary payment basis. You pay what you can afford.

This sounds SO AWFUL. I agree that you must go to relationship counselling. Relate say that they will never refuse to provide counselling just because someone can't afford it - they are a charity after all. If he won't go, you can go on your own. I did this - totally different situation - because my partner wouldn't come, even though I thought it would be pointless without him. It really helped. I actually only had once session and that was still enough to make a difference.

I did have to pay but felt like it was that or divorce - which is even more expensive!

In my completely non-expert opinion, his behaviour does sound like a symptom of some kind of mental health issue, because it's not normal to be so obsessive about sex that you lose all empathy about why your partner doesn't want it. Grief, breastfeeding, tiredness and stress are all massive libido killers. I know loads of people who didn't have sex at all for 6 months or more after birth and that was without everything else that has happened to you. So if you could get him to come and deal with his issues it would be much better.

I really hope things work out for you.

You can get counselling through your GP sometimes, lots of places do.

He sounds like horrible pest, I cannot stand it when men walk around feeling hard down by when they 'aren't getting enough' in their opinion!

If my dh had ever pressured me in that first year of having ds he would be an ex dh now!

Hope you can get something sorted x

I definitely recommend relate - and they offer a voluntary payment option too. Me and dh had some counselling with them a few years back and found it very helpful. In our case, he was the one with the low libido (non existent in fact) so I have some understanding of how it feels to be on the other side...but that certainly doesn't excuse some of the behaviour you describe.

You've got a hell of a lot on your plate and it sounds like you feel you have to hold it together for everyone - esp now your dh has lost his job. I'd be more concerned about you needing to get some support/time out for yourself, as well as addressing all the issues in your lives. You'll need energy to do the latter, and it certainly sounds like that's in short supply at the moment. A chat to your hv or gp might be a good idea. Also Macmillan nurses might be helpful to support you with your mum?

Hope things get better for you x

Sex is very important to him; no-sex is important to you - this is what, in the music industry, is called "artistic differences".

You (both) need to either compromise and reconcile, or find other paths to fulfilling your respective needs.

I agree with Caja

Sorry but I fail to see what you're getting from this man other than he is a good dad to 2/3 of your children . You don't trust him , he makes very questionable decisions and pressures you for sex . IMO you would be better off planning a future alone for you and your children rather than wasting time on counselling , if he couldn't be bothered to take his anti depressants I doubt counselling will help him .

mumstonic

After reading your latest post

He sounds awful. I'm sorry, he does. Someone who can't reconcile the emotional and physical sides of a relationship. While you were on a even keel it was fine, but now you aren't as "available" to him he can't support you.

But perhaps this unfair, perhaps it's unhelpful. What I totally agree with is that you need some help for yourself.

Flora Have you ever been depressed? Plenty of people who are depressed don't take the drugs they are given through denial or other reasons against anti-depressants.

I would argue that he wouldn't be getting anything from a partner who makes no-sex rules and wants to stay with him only so she is not a single parent.

Some people on here are so quick with the leave the bastard response they don't seem to be able to think what they would be thinking in the same position.

Easy enough to say it as at the end of the day you (or anyone else who is quick to say it) wont have to deal with the fall out and consequences. Life isn't as black and white as leaving the person being the golden answer to everything.

Shro - i would be in total agreement with you actually, BUT, he cajoled her into having sex against her will and it made her cry, instead of being mortified and upset he threw a strop and threatened to ruin the whole weekend (well he probably managed to ruin it anyway!). Depression is no excuse for that sort of behaviour.

I agree with the comment about the ADs though, i think most people when given ADs (i speak from experience) are very reluctant to take them. I had the prescription two weeks before i got the tablets and they sat in my cupboard for a further two weeks until i was brave enough to try them, taking something that "messes with your head" is a very daunting thing to have to do, especially if your head is working against you at that moment in time.

I would encourage your DH back to the doctors, but im not sure i could forgive him the weekend thing tbh.

to balance, i think there is "blame" on both sides - but if the OP really feels she can't be intimate with her DH then there are some serious issues with the relationship and she may well have issues of her own. My DP and i have had some serious ups and downs but we have always been intimate, i think we would have separated if we weren't.

What No you're right, that isn't an excuse. OP had already said though that he was upset when she cried. He might just not be realising properly how he is acting or seeing things the way they actually are if his head isn't in the right place. They both need help.

Have been in the same place with taking anti-ds even for conditions that have nothing to do with depression. It is a terrifying feeling, knowing that you are to take something that will alter your own emotions and feelings. When I have taken them that feeling didn't even go away while on them, I always felt I wasn't me with them. Strange to explain.

Me and DP have different sex drives. Up until recently he was pretty much a no sex person and that was the end of discussion even though I have a high sex drive. (I think) He knows I wouldn't leave him because I love him but I got the feeling that his lack of interest in sex seemed more important than my interest in it. Kind of a "I don't want to, not in the mood" and I always felt well I do want to so where does that leave me? It was very confusing and I actually spoke to at least 1 MNetter about it as I was getting to the point where I didn't know what to do.

Talking with him certainly has helped a lot, I guess the main problem here is getting OP's DH to actually talk about it.

I have successfully avoided having sex with my husband since getting pregnant in July 2011. I am still breastfeeding, and I don't have any urges in that direction at all (TBH, I didn't have any before either - we only 'did it' reluctantly in the hope of having another baby. ). When he wants to do something, I give him a hand IYSWIM and that seems to keep him happy. I don't get squashed and sticky, and he doesn't feel rejected or unloved. And it's all over in a few minutes and then we can go to sleep (hooray!)

Would your OH consider a compromise like that? More to the point, would you?

Anonymous, i think that is really sad :( I know so many women who have said very similar thing to that - i feel sorry for their husbands.

It's not sad at all - it saves him all the bother and faff of foreplay and worrying about me, and he still gets his fun. I reckon a lot of men would be dead jealous actually!

I feel sorry for anon and women that describe sex with their husbands and supposed soul mates as ' getting squashed and sticky.' They are missing out on SO much

I mean in general - post baby, well whatever gets you through that first year as far as I am concerned!

I don't "get" sex at all - never have done. If you want a baby, fine. But it seems like a weird way to show someone you love them. Cuddles and kisses are lovely - sex is just messy and uncomfortable, followed by a couple of weeks (depending on circumstances) of either panicking that you might be pregnant or stressing out because you might not be.

What exactly am I missing out on other than a few momentary tingly feelings and sleeping in a wet patch?

What attracted you to your dh in the first place? Did you never have that butterfly feeling/ yearning for him? I presume you have never had an orgasm then, or you wouldn't ask that question

He's gorgeous, incredibly clever, very funny, has exactly the same attitude to life and beliefs as me, is great fun to be with, and he's dependable, kind, responsible, and a generally all-round wonderful person. I yearn to be with him - I don't yearn for the contents of his trousers!