I can't stand it anymore! I need to know if i AIBU?!

[SmallBump48]

Every week we see my Inlaws, we go for a meal round there and at least one other visit during the week for a cuppa/Visits from them.

MIL also rings DH every other day at around 10pm at night and then moans if he doesnt pick up When we are in bed together

So the last four days went like this...

Saturday: Spent all day with them.
Sunday: Spent half the day with them.
Monday: 2 hour phone call to DH from MIL.
Tuesday: Visited for about 3 hours in the evening.
Today: Another 2 hour phone call to DH.

I talked to DH about needing some time to ourselves in the evenings/weekends as he works 8/10 hour days. He told me that we do spend time together... "Sitting watching TV" and says that he would find spending the day just me him and our DD "Boring".

Ever since we have been together me and DH havent been out just to two of us and i have dropped plenty of hints that i would love if he planned a trip to the cinema and a couple of drinks after just me and him one weekend, Again this would be boring to him.

So this evening i told him that i do not want to visit nor want any visitors for the rest of the week as i want to just spend time with me, Him and our DD. He thought that i was being extremely unreasonable "Pushing his family away".

I see my family once a week and this is enough for me as i think we have our own family now and need to make time for us but DH cannot do anything without mentioning his MIL and is always saying that he wants us to go over there to see them and if i dont want to he starts a big arguement about how unreasonable i am being because it would just be a "Quick visit" But it always turns into a 3 hour one

I am sick of seeing my Inlaws so much, I do not get on with them anyway as they have voiced how i am not "Good" enough for DH as i am not at all academic and i am not intelligent enough And not as skinny nor pretty as his previous partner which his sister voiced when she met me but i am always kind and considerate to them.

It has become to much now, DH wants to see them 4 times a week and i just think that it is way to much! An example of how much he values them is when me and DH were watching a film, Just put DD to bed and were cuddling on the sofa when he gets a text from MIL saying ring her, She would love to hear from him. I told him to ring her tomorrow as we were spending time together and he got so angry with me that it turned into an arguement, He eventually sat down After telling me how unreasonable i had been and about 5 minutes later said that he was going to the loo. An hour later i find him on the phone to MIL whilst sitting on the bath!

AIBU to want some space and for DH to make more effort with spending time as a family?

How old is he? He sounds very young, early twenties? Certainly very immature. He can't cope with being a husband and father because he is a child.

It sounds almost as though he sees you more as friends with benefits than a girlfriend, never mind a wife. (Though people enjoy spending time with their friends). As though he hasn't begun to love you.

Is there something else going on? It sounds like a marriage of convenience. Why was he so keen to marry someone who was essentially just one of his (less important) mates?

How did you feel about no dates or romance and no honeymoon? Did you agree about that being a waste of money? It sounds as though he calls the shots. Why?

Show him this thread and I hope he sees that the fundamental duty of a parent is to love and nurture their child, in partnership with their DH or DW (if available), and then to see that child off in to the world.

Perhaps he should ask himself if his lack of engagement with you is going to result in that aim, and whether, by being so involved in his life, his mother has fulfilled her duty.

or wot 5foot5 said

Just to be ultra-blunt - please do dismiss this as nonsense but he should know this is how it looks - it sounds as though he is gay but closeted, felt he ought to marry for appearances and his mother is the only person he feels really knows and understands him, so who he can trust. Twisted, secretive, likely to become weirder as he gets older (until he runs off with his gym buddy) and in need of a long, cold look in the mirror.

Is his name Norman Bates?
Seriously Op, why are you with this mummy's boy?

I don't see an answer to this , you're not pushing his family away , you're simply trying to have a normal family life of your own . Personally if I was in your position I would be asking him to leave because this is not how you want to live , then he's got a choice, stay and change or go. I wouldn't stay with him but then enable him to carry on by going out alone with your DD because if that's what you're going to do you may as well be a single mother anyway.

Fucking hell fire! I'm agog!

And are you sure its his mum he's speaking to? I'm undecided whether this weird mummy-loving or an affair would be worse.

Just agog.

YANBU, it sounds like way too much to me. Fine for him to have a close relationship with his mum, but he's a grown married man with a child, you and your daughter are his family now and you should come first for him. It really sounds like his priorities are all wrong, and it isn't normal or healthy.

I did wonder about this though: "Ever since we have been together me and DH havent been out just to two of us and i have dropped plenty of hints that i would love if he planned a trip to the cinema and a couple of drinks after just me and him one weekend" - why do you need to drop hints for him to plan a trip? Why can't you plan and arrange it?

You have my sympathies, it's a very odd sitution! Obviously you're not saying you want to "push his family away" but that level of contact is HIGHLY unusual and is obviously causing a problem.

Who could possibly speak to their mother on the phone for two hours?? Christ, I'd be jumping out of the window.

I'm another one just sitting here agog. I don't know what's worse - the fact he's such a mummy's boy, the fact he finds you boring or the fact he's never spent time with just you alone. I am just and really really :( for you OP. You are being way too diplomatic and accepting of his ways. I just don't know how you've put up with him and highly doubt you will be able to change him. It just sounds sooo weird and unhealthy. Is he loving and affectionate towards you generally? (Daresay he rarely has the opportunity to be as most of the time you are with his family )

Invasive I know op but are you and dh still having sex?

Haha amarylis you cleared the room!

Are you ok, OP? Hope we didn't scare you off with our collective horror at the situation you've described.

Yes, remember we're only responding to and extrapolating from the little you've told us. We don't actually know much about your relationship.

Bump

"His response was that he has his own family as well as me and DD and I will not push them away from him. "

His own family is you and your DD

My Oh and his mother is a thread of its own, but even so OH acknowledges it is unacceptable for his mother to intrude in 'our' time and enforces that.

Until your OH sees you and DD as his family and worthy of respect and time you are fighting a losing battle, sorry.

In my personal experience, OH thought that being at his mothers beck and call 24hours a day, updating her hourly, 'living' with me but still spending 3~ 4 nights at his mother as normal.

I issued an ultimatum and stuck by it, it helped that at that point he had spent time with my family, who are by no means normal, but are more normal IYSWIM.

That you can love your Mum/Dad but only call once, twice a week.
That 'normal' parents want their children to be happy
That 'normal' parents see their child having a relationship as a normal part of growing up and that while they will always worry, esentially they want their child to be happy.

I know for a fact that my Mum has big issues with one of my BIL, it's a personality clash, religion, politics thing. she has admited once that if he wasnt one of the family she wouldnt give him the time of day, however I am also 100% sure neither my sister or BIL realise this.

Some may think this is my Mum being two-faced, however I see it as my Mum taking a step back saying I do not like this person, but he makes my child happy AND he treats my child well (actually he adores hers and has done for 20 years), therefore he is worthy of respect, and welcome.

Your MIL and more importantly your DH do not see your family as worthy of respect.

Untill he sees you/him/DD as a family. . . You're on a loser, sorry.

I just read your OP to my DH.

I'm afraid to say his response was "is he still breastfeeding?"

Mum - yikes looks like it! I was just surprised it hadn't come up

I'm a shocking thread killer though bit I do so hope the op is ok/gained something from this thread even if it was just to let off steam

Stif - and a tentative lol....

I can't help thinking lottiegarbanzo may be onto something here... Is it a lavender marraige for him?

I don't think there is any hop here, you can show him this thread buy I doubt it would make a difference

I think you are wasting your life away with this idiot

To me, it reads as if he has never been that interested in you.
Even in the early days of your relationship he invited friends out? Was that so he didn't have to be alone with you?
It sounds as if he is doing everything in his power not to have to spend any time with you.

How on earth could you really get to know a person if there was always someone else around?

How old is he? Was there pressure on him to get married and have a family?

I'm sorry - but he sounds like an absolute knob.

Until you said you had a DD and not a DS I was sure you were my sister's ex-husbands new wife

My sister lived in hell with her husband (lacking any evidence of a scrotum) and a mother-in-law from hell. Every spare minute was spent with the PIL or on the phone to them. Right from early on the MIL said that she wanted to be "the last person he spoke to at night and the first person he spoke to in the morning". So he would speak to her from their marital bed just as he was dropping off...mental!

He has married someone else and I feel so sorry for her - this woman is dangerous and toxic - urgh

Going on my experience I would get out. Quickly.

Please do show him this thread. Everyone's opinions are perfectly reasonable - except his.

Can you start asking around - ask people how much time they spend with their IL's. We don't see ours very often as they are miles away but if they were closer, it would be no more then twice a week (Maybe tea after school once a week and then alternate Sundays for a few hours. They might also babysit one a fortnight.)

I strongly suspect you both need relationship counselling. I think he has quite a few issues as he does not want to spend time alone with you and DD - and then also needing his mum far too much starts alarm bells!!

I would let him choose between - relationship counselling or him going to live with his mother while you/DD remain in house. Tell him he can visit when he feels he can give you and DD his undecided attention - without any relatives or friends around.

Can you do things and invite him along? Taking kids swimming, park etc? Just an idea.