I can't stand it anymore! I need to know if i AIBU?!

[SmallBump48]

Every week we see my Inlaws, we go for a meal round there and at least one other visit during the week for a cuppa/Visits from them.

MIL also rings DH every other day at around 10pm at night and then moans if he doesnt pick up When we are in bed together

So the last four days went like this...

Saturday: Spent all day with them.
Sunday: Spent half the day with them.
Monday: 2 hour phone call to DH from MIL.
Tuesday: Visited for about 3 hours in the evening.
Today: Another 2 hour phone call to DH.

I talked to DH about needing some time to ourselves in the evenings/weekends as he works 8/10 hour days. He told me that we do spend time together... "Sitting watching TV" and says that he would find spending the day just me him and our DD "Boring".

Ever since we have been together me and DH havent been out just to two of us and i have dropped plenty of hints that i would love if he planned a trip to the cinema and a couple of drinks after just me and him one weekend, Again this would be boring to him.

So this evening i told him that i do not want to visit nor want any visitors for the rest of the week as i want to just spend time with me, Him and our DD. He thought that i was being extremely unreasonable "Pushing his family away".

I see my family once a week and this is enough for me as i think we have our own family now and need to make time for us but DH cannot do anything without mentioning his MIL and is always saying that he wants us to go over there to see them and if i dont want to he starts a big arguement about how unreasonable i am being because it would just be a "Quick visit" But it always turns into a 3 hour one

I am sick of seeing my Inlaws so much, I do not get on with them anyway as they have voiced how i am not "Good" enough for DH as i am not at all academic and i am not intelligent enough And not as skinny nor pretty as his previous partner which his sister voiced when she met me but i am always kind and considerate to them.

It has become to much now, DH wants to see them 4 times a week and i just think that it is way to much! An example of how much he values them is when me and DH were watching a film, Just put DD to bed and were cuddling on the sofa when he gets a text from MIL saying ring her, She would love to hear from him. I told him to ring her tomorrow as we were spending time together and he got so angry with me that it turned into an arguement, He eventually sat down After telling me how unreasonable i had been and about 5 minutes later said that he was going to the loo. An hour later i find him on the phone to MIL whilst sitting on the bath!

AIBU to want some space and for DH to make more effort with spending time as a family?

My mother would stop answering if I wanted 2 hours on the phone every day plus all the face time! It would seriously interfere with her schedule of WI, the archers, about a million history groups, gardeners world, her kindle.......you get the idea!
And I'm her pfb!

Seriously I love my mum to death and we're super close but that level of contact would be smothering - we are close but still independent adults. Op, your h does not sound like an independent adult and that's the issue for me.

This isn't the first time I've seen/read about men thinking that their parental contact time trumps family responsibility - it doesn't btw. We are all entitled to maintain out family relationships but within a marriage there has to be democracy and diplomacy - everything outside the unit needs to fit around what's inside - you and your dd in your case.

I too wonder about cultural expectations? Especially with his behaviour at uni.

What about you op? Have you seen/read something lately that has suddenly made you realise dh contact with his family is excessive? Mn maybe?

I'm not sure what else to suggest except please come back and talk to us - maybe we can help somehow. We have been a bit aghast on the thread but lots of wise people here

Reminds me of a bloke at work that obviously loves his mum more than his wife. He wrote on Facebook recently that he missed her and wished she was there- he was on his wedding anniversary trip to Paris with his wife!
I would run a mile personally because relationships like that are unhealthy. Oedipus complex and all that!

He has two choices:

Spend time with just you and/or you and your child

Or

Leaves.

Loveweekends

This is not acceptable. What would happen if you asked his mum to babysit for you two to go out for dinner? Is his sister that involved too? Where does FIL stand on it? Presumably MIL and FIL never have much time alone either?

Wondering where OP is, having not posted since page 1.

I'm worried about OP... We've all piled on (quite rightly and with good intentions) but might have been too much!

"It has been ever since we have been together that he wants to spend every waking minute around there house."

So you knew full well about the clingy relationship with his parents, and the fact that he didn't enjoy spending time with you alone, but you decided to marry and have a child with him anyway, and are now complaining. I don't understand women like you at all, OP.

Gosh you poor thing. This sounds suffocating. You need a big chat about this, it's not healthy and isn't working for your relationship so something needs to be done!

Good luck.

2 hour phone calls? DH is a complete Mummy's boy & he couldn't stomach more than half an hour max twice a week.

Sorry to sound awful, but are you sure it's all contact with his Mum, not some other female in the picture?

Paiviaso - you sound charming

I think I would be leaving after the 'boring' comment, does your daughter know he finds spending time with her 'boring' feel quite sad for you both.

Thank you all for the replies.

My DD is 13 months old, DH is a good dad, He was my rock throughout my pregnancy but he did struggle to come to terms with being a dad in te early days.

We didn't go on a honeymoon as DH saw that as being a waste of money so we brought some things for the house instead, He did have a stag do though but that is a whole other thread.

We have not been out together on our own as much as I have wanted to it has always been with friends around us aswell while we was talking/Getting to know each other.

I spoke to him last night about it and he has not said a word to me since then as he thought that I was being seriously out of order suggesting that the evenings are 'Family time' His response was that he has his own family as well as me and DD and I will not push them away from him.

When we first got together it was all about the party's and friends so he hardly ever saw MIL but when things between us got serious and he proposed that's when we started seeing them once/twice a week Which is how I want it to me now but it was when we married and I became pregnant with DD that it started to get a bit too much for me and that brings us to now where it seems as if he cannot go a day without speaking to her.

I don't know what they talk about, I do ask but he just says 'Everyday stuff', His mum thinks that he can do no wrong at all and he is the 'favourite' amongst his other siblings.

I did try to have a serious talk with him about going out alone and spending time together, Also having the evenings free to spend with me and DD and also seeing his mum once/twice a week which resulted in a big argument ending with him saying 'I can't believe you are trying to push my family away, I never thought that you were like this and I have nothing further to say to you' and he left this morning without another word.

Thank you again for your comments and I am very tempted to show him this thread because I am not getting through to him myself, Maybe if he sees that I am not the only one who thinks it he may start to listen to me -I hope

Bless you smallbump you are being so diplomatic with him!

There's more to this - not saying you are telling us less than the full story but I'd wager there's something he's not telling you.

If be tempted to call his bluff and invite her round every night until he's sick of her!

I don't think my marriage could survive that.

I would suggest you ca'nt change him unless he realises he will lose his marriage over it, and that also assumes he actually loves you enough to want to save his marriage - he might not.

To me, the 'talking about the day' with his mum sounds like he uses her in the way he should 'use' you, to discuss his day, anything on his mind, to ask for advice etc. Does he value your opinion and talk about his day with you or not?

However, just because he wants to see MIL that much, does not mean you have too, just refuse to go, make other plans with DD - you could arrange days out with DD, give him the choice to join you, make it clear if he invites MIL too you'll turn round and leave. Or you could jsut stay at home. I would say seeing her once a week is more than enough. Just refuse to go.

I'd also point out if he never spends time alone with you and DD, then your DD will grow up to not have this sort of relationship with him. He's going to be very lonely once MIL dies.

I would absolutely show him this thread.

Hey, smalbump's husband? You're being a knob.

I'm glad you came back OP. I think your husband has misunderstood what marriage is and has prioritised his parents and siblings and placed you and DD way down in the pecking order. When you first got together it was all socialising and parties ie fun and you were probably just glad to be with him so didn't mind going out en masse but now he's retreating.

You're not the first person to mention troubles in their marriage but say, oh he's a great dad. Well that's lovely but as a couple you are not making it work and he can be still be a good dad even if the pair of you decide to separate. I don't think it's smothering or possessive of you to want him to yourself occasionally. It may not even be a fixation on his mum as much as running away from you and DD. You are not getting the best of him are you, I would start to question what's in it for either of you long term.

There is something else here, either something you don't know or something you are not telling us? No one in their right mind would think this was ok. No one.

donkey that line "you are not getting the best of him" really resonates, and I think that is exactly what is going on. He has to chose you and his DD. `if he can't...? Walk away??

Could you arrange a holiday for you and DD without your husband?? Maybe stay with family for a week or two? Perhaps the break will give you both perspective, maybe he will miss you.....or maybe he will just indulge in his mummy-addiction full time and realise this love affair with mummy is all he really wants.
I may be being dramatic, but I would start making plans, saving money...speaking to solicitors etc as he sounds like a total douche and I want you to have a back-up-plan if he gets nasty.

He isn't a great dad. He would rather spend time with anyone except his daughter and wife - that's not what great dads do. What does he do to make you think he's a good dad?

You and your daughter deserve a better life. He needs to seriously consider how he behaves.

From everything you have said it's apparent that this guy is a shit husband and a shit father. Who the fuck prioritised spending time with their mother over their child??!

He has a seriously unhealthy relationship with his mum and he clearly has no plansto change it. You and dd are better off out of it.

Absolutely show him this thread. He has to realise that his behaviour is not normal.

SmallBumps husband, you are a weird Mummy's boy. Time to grow up.

Do you have friends that you can arrange to meet during the weekends? Leave him to his mother and take your daughter out to spend time doing interesting things with normal people. He sounds insanely boring, creepy and weird. Just stop going to mils with him, leave when she's on her way over. You need a life outside of him and if you can LEAVE him. He's not remotely normal, what on earth do you see in him?

Sounds hideous.

Let DH go to his parents on his own and find something else for you and DD to do without him.

He might then start to realise that he's missing out on something. Like, you know, family life.