To be sick of other parents making me look unreasonable?

[CambridgeBlue]

I try really hard to be firm but fair with my DD (10) but unfortunately it's getting harder because most of her friends' parents don't seem to be of the same opinion, even those I thought were fairly 'sensible'.

It's things like phones - DD has a basic one but now half her friends seem to be getting Blackberries etc which I personally think they are much too young for. Then there's TVs in the bedroom - I am really against this but practically all of her friends have one and she can't see why I don't want her to.

I do try and meet her half way where I can but I am getting sick of feeling forced into decisions I don't want to make just because other parents are not as strict. I don't want to be the mean mother but I genuinely believe there's some stuff she's too young for or that isn't appropriate.

How the hell do I strike a balance between being fair to her and sticking to what I think is the right thing to do?

Yeah it's a bit shit isn't it, I'm horrified at what is deemed acceptable these days BUT stick to your guns.

I always stuck to the things that really mattered to me. I wouldn't do TVs in the bedroom, although it was the norm. I wouldn't have one in my room either. They get used to it and accept it.

"How the hell do I strike a balance between being fair to her and sticking to what I think is the right thing to do?"
I work on the basis that what I think is the right thing to do is ALSO fair. They are not in conflict to me. I think you may be seeing 'fair' as letting her have what she asks for. OK, but only when what she asks for is not in conflict with the right thing to do.

Totally discount what her friends have/do. They are not your responsibility.

For comparison, my DS (14) has no TV in his room. There is a second TV he can go and watch if he doesn't want to watch Strictly Come Dancing what we are watching, but it is not in his room. And I have told him he will never have one in his room, as I am sure he would end up watching late-night TV (he shares my insomnia) and it's just not suitable. There is the constant moan for XBox games with a 16 or 18 rating, and I do know for certain that some of his friends have these games and have had since they were 8. I have explained to him that I think the ratings are valid, and since his brain is still in the process of wiring itself up I am not going to allow these games in case his brain hardwires as desensitized and violence-inclined. End of discussion. And repeat. Endlessly.

I see my intransigence as the ultimate 'being fair' to him. It's just that I am looking to the long term and he is still focused on immediate gratification.

I think yabu saying that you're sick of other parents because of the decisions they make concerning your kids.

There will always be people who have things that you don't, you need to teach your kids that this is normal and they can't have stuff just because others do.

I have friends who have bigger houses, better cars, etc.

Your children will have this for the rest of their lives unless they win the lottery.

You will need to pick your battles.

Listen to dd and see if she has a point, if its just you saying no no no all the time it will soil your relationship so we always tried to negotiate with our kids, maybe equate privileges with good school work and behaviour.

If you have bans on this and bans on that then you don't teach self control for later life.

I think it's quite important to set in stone positions on which you will not move and then negotiate.

I'd stick to your guns on the important stuff but look at why you are objecting to some items.

I'm late 30's and my mum was and is anti technology.

We didn't have a video, microwave etc when everyone else did - mid 80's. Not for financial reasons - viewed as common.

I can recall being very embarrassed sometimes eg people laughing when I couldn't put a video on at a sleepover. I am very awkward with technology to this day.

Our house our rules, I know the cousins of our ds's found it odd when they ask to play on the Wii / PS or watch a film, have a tv room so they are out of the way. But no TVs in bedrooms. The play on the games has to be a bit restricted as they have to share the one tv or agree on which film to watch.

No mobiles until they actually need one - then just a basic get me home type (have my lastest cheapo ready if DS3 needs it - just turned 11 but not at 2ndry and not asked for a 'phone).

If they don't like it they know here the door is!

Only sometimes have a bit of an issue with DS2 wanting to play older games, can still be a bit tricky but make sure yonger DS' don't get to see it / play.

I can recall being very embarrassed sometimes eg people laughing when I couldn't put a video on

I can totally relate to that and you're right, it's embarassing. My parents were dinosaurs.. looking back, it's like a large chunk of life sort of left them behind. I wouldn't put my kids through that, they need to know what's going on in the world. DH works in IT so there's a lot of technology at ours and they can tip away (for a short, pre-specified time and in in front of us more or less) at anything that's available really, it's just they don't actually own any of it. The only rule is nothing goes into bedrooms except books/mags.

I only learned computers when I started my first job and now I'm au fait with them... compared to what I was like, most kids nowadays are computer whizzes so I'm not worried about mine being computer-literate!