To be sick of other parents making me look unreasonable?

[CambridgeBlue]

I try really hard to be firm but fair with my DD (10) but unfortunately it's getting harder because most of her friends' parents don't seem to be of the same opinion, even those I thought were fairly 'sensible'.

It's things like phones - DD has a basic one but now half her friends seem to be getting Blackberries etc which I personally think they are much too young for. Then there's TVs in the bedroom - I am really against this but practically all of her friends have one and she can't see why I don't want her to.

I do try and meet her half way where I can but I am getting sick of feeling forced into decisions I don't want to make just because other parents are not as strict. I don't want to be the mean mother but I genuinely believe there's some stuff she's too young for or that isn't appropriate.

How the hell do I strike a balance between being fair to her and sticking to what I think is the right thing to do?

I've had a lot of 'bit all my friends have/do it' recently and it's resulted in us having a good think about some of the things our 11 year old DD wants/does.

Something's we've compromised on, some things I've stuck to my guns and are non-negotiable and something's I've decided that perhaps we were being too strict with and have relaxed rules over.

Stuff like phones - I upgraded recently and gave her my old iPhone with a PAYG sim card in. It would either be used by her or sit unused in a drawer so we let her have it

She does have a TV in her room but it's only plugged into a DVD player which she can watch in bed on a Friday or saturday night.

Decide on your rules and stick to your guns.

Seriously, just stick to your beliefs (as everyone else has said ).

And are you absolutely sure that 'everyone' has the latest iphone etc etc. One of my DS's friend's mother asked me (nicely) if it was true that my DS had the latest iphone - he hasn't even got a mobile at all but for some reason they all 'boast & exagerate' about what they have. A few parents got together & talked about it and none of the children had all these latest gadgets .

I think the telling point is that you feel 'uncomfortable' denying your children these things, I don't feel uncomfortable about it at all, if you are confident in your decision, then you are obviously doing the right thing .

Stick to your guns on this. Bring your children up in the way that you want to. I'm sure if you explain to you daughter that sometimes you say no to things that other parents allow because you feel that she is too young at the moment and that you have your own rules. Let her know that other families have their own rules too and that there are things that they don't allow that you do.
I'm completely with you on the phone issue...she has a phone at least. The t.v in the bedroom issue can be explained by saying that you like to spend time together as a family and so enjoy watching t.v together. Good luck with this, a 10 year old will probably think you are the worst parent in the world sometimes, but that's just par for the course of being a parent and even if you gave her everything she asked for, she would still tell you this sometimes.

It's ok to tell kids that each house has its own rules. Maybe they have things their friends don't? Or maybe 'all' their friends don't have that stuff either, and they all persuade their parents by saying 'everyone' has it?

When I was young, arguments like this were squashed by my parents who said 'if all your friends jump off a cliff, do you jump after them as well'? Annoying at the time, but I think I'm going to steal that line for my kids.

Sparkle makes a good point about trying to be a 'friend' instead of a parent. I have a few friends/relatives who have had troubled teens and the one comment they all agree on is that they wish they had been stricter and set out the ground rules before it is too late.

freddiefrog we have the Friday/Saturday night rule too about tv in rooms, works well.

Ciske - my dad used to say exactly the same .

Chances are other parents find you equally enfuriating over some other issue that you haven't thought about it because it seems natural and sensible to you.

I was strict about money and very strict about unsuitable games/TV shows but lax about tidiness and letting dc do things in the household that might be deemed dangerous (e.g. making cups of tea). I am sure over the years, I and the other parents managed to annoy each other in equal measure.

It's part of the learning curve for both parents and children that every family has its own rules and it's up to the parents, not to other families, to enforce that.

I'd hate for another parent to turn up and tell me I had to make dc tidy their room every day because otherwise they can't do their parenting, or that 12yo ds mustn't be go into town on his own because then they can't forbid their son. So by the same token I don't expect other parents to ban TVs from bedrooms just because I do.

Thanks, this is very reassuring - I wish I knew you lot in real life!

I have had to back down on certain things already - eg she had a phone earlier than I would have liked because I could see how it would be useful (she travels a fair way to school and plays out around our village) so I was prepared to compromise, but now she's going through more credit each month and is constantly checking it for texts which really winds me up because I don't think she should be so reliant on it at 10.

I do try not to be too 'when I was young we never had x' or anti-technology - I'm really not, I love my iPhone and Kindle and DD has had a basic iPod for ages because she loves music so she's not that deprived! I just don't want an overload of it and TV in the bedroom is one thing I will not budge on (even though it would make things easier for us if she had her own!) DH and I don't have one (yes we are together in answer to the poster up thread, and in agreement about most things like this) and there is a spare PC in our conservatory/den if one of us wants to watch a DVD while the others are watching the main TV.

I know I have to stand firm but I hate feeling like the mean one all the time in comparison to her friends' parents - my Mum was very strict and it wasn't much fun so I do try to be more relaxed but finding the balance is really hard.

Cory - yes I'm sure there's plenty about my parenting that would wind other people up :)

I do know that kids often say 'everyone' has/is allowed to do something but in this instance I know her 2 best mates both have Blackberries and all of her 7 or 8 closest friends have TVs in their rooms. This is what makes it so hard!

You do have to stick to your guns.

My dd is 9, it seems lots of her friends have a mobile phone, i have said no, not until she goes to secondary school.

I only let her have an ds when she was 8, even though all of her friends had one, some from nursery.

I have got her an ipod for Christmas as she's really into musical all of a sudden.

DDs share a laptop, it stays in the dining room and is only to be used for agreed site.

She has had a tv in her room for a while but i was only for dvd's it was never tuned in. In the last six months i have started to let her watch cbbc up there, mainly to stop her and dd2 arguing over what programme to watch.

It's not easy is it?!

i expect her friends' parents feel exactly the same way. it will be cambridge's daughter has xyz why can't i?

does she get pocket money for doing jobs yet? My kids pay for their phone credits out of their pocket money, but i can't remember at what age we started this - i guess when they got the phones. set a monthly limit and be clear about the need to save a bit for emergencies - after walking home in the rain a few times becaues they can't phone they will remember.

CambridgeBlue if you think back to when you were younger you will probably recall similar situations with your parents. I know I do with mine. I remember people boasting in class about how they had the latest this, that or how they were going somewhere really exotic for their holiday...you MAY even find that the mums you refer to perhaps have similar thoughts to you....after all these its the kids that are pitting themselves against each other so it must be more than you having the same issue within your daughter's friendship group.

chine up

My children do have TV's in their rooms and they have blackberries. Dd is nearly 13 and it's cheaper to have her on a blackberry contract than when she was on PAYG. Ds got her cast off as he walks home alone now and it's to keep in touch and because his old phone died, it was cheaper to reuse dd's phone.

I'm quite slow in getting my children things compared to other parents and I often don't allow them to do what others get to do. In fact other parents have told me they admire the fact I stick to my guns.

Dd told me she often feels left out because I insist that as she signed up to a Friday night Guides Unit that she needs to go. But she doesn't want to leave guides. But I remember feeling like that as my mum didn't let me do a lot of things that others got to do because she knew what they got up to.

Our mums and grannies had the same problem.
I think long and hard about whether I will allow some things everyone else is doing. Latest is belly button piercing. Boak.
DD2 is 14 and has wanted it for over a year. All here friends really do have it.
I've said yes- it's less permanent than a second ear piercing or God forbid, a tattoo and she can choose never to expose it when if she changes her mind. Still strict and early curfews, no booze, no dating etc. but I think my 'reasonableness' over the belly button (boak) reinforces the fact that I'm not just saying no to the other things through fuddyduddyness, iyswim.

My DC 11 and 9 don't have phones and won't have them for the foreseeable, any type. Interestingly, they're not that bothered even though they token whinge now and then. I don't feel we're their friends, I feel we're in charge of them and lay down the rules with certain negotiation here and there. Until they're adults, at which time they can buy all the phones and ipads they want :)

What other kids/parents do in their own households doesn't concern me and I don't feel any pressure from it.

You sound to me like you have the balance right. it's not as is you won't have things in the house. You have the technology yourself and i'm sure she is allowed to use it sometimes, but just not have her own at such a young age. I'm sure you are doing the right thing. She will have something to look forward to as she gets older for one./emo/te/1.gif

helpyourself How is a navel piercing less permanent than an ear piercing? They're both the same! Tattoos on the other hand, yes you're right there.

Incidentally, no reputable body piercer will pierce her under the age of 18 even though there's no law against it. If she finds someone willing to do it, truthfully they're not professionally or ethically any good! Not that you care about that kind of thing at 14.

Stunt I suppose I mean it's less permanently visible. you're right about the reputable piercer/ under 18. Having heard about fat sweaty tattooists piercing her friends she said she wanted to have it done at Selfridges with me accompanying. Obviously she now can't find anywhere 'nice' to do it.

I think YABU as it is up to other parents what they do with their DCs and just because you believe they are too young doesn't mean you are right anymore than they are.

My DCs are 6 & 4 and they have TVs in their room. DS2 only has a DVD player but no access to normal channels. They hardly every watch them and have to have permission. I am pretty strict with them so it has never been a problem.

They are at school all day and have many after school activities so I am happy for them to watch tv to relax as they need time to do nothing at some point. They never watch tv in bed unless they are having a sleepover so they may be allowed to watch a dvd in bed as a treat.

I can't see the harm in this.

Mobile phones is a difficult one - I would like to think there is no need for them to have one until they actually leave the house alone but as they are so young I am not sure in reality what I would do. I think under 11/12 seems so young to have a mobile!

YANBU - I am sick of it with my 3 year old. Some parents think it is fine to let their kids throw toys, jump on things, push, not share and shout in other's faces. My son tries to copy and I tell him off yet the other mum's ignore their child's vile behaviour and my son cannot understand why I am being so mean.

I have what you are going through all to come. No one EVER tells you this before you become a parent.

Mine don't have tvs in their bedrooms (I would not allow that) but they do have a playroom with a tv. That is a sort of compromise. Perhaps you have a downstairs room (other than the main family living room) where you could put an extra tv for your dc.

Definitely less visible, but wouldn't count on that being permanent! Just wait til she wants to wear crop tops to show it off

I am getting sick of feeling forced into decisions I don't want to make just because other parents are not as strict

To be fair, that is your problem. I've had all this from the DSs (13 & 11) and it doesn't bother me. My rules are my rules and that is all that matters so far as I am concerned.

Re belly button piercing (boak) I thought about it and couldn't come up with a better reason than my mum wouldn't like it.
TV in the room? No! I'm a great believer in sleep hygiene, I wouldn't have one and I don't want the dcs getting into bad sleeping habits.
Early curfew? Definitely! You'll a) be mardy all weekend and b) subject to all sorts of pressures you're not equipped to deal with.
Posh phone? Ok; it benefits me as well as you as I get the reassurance of knowing where you are- also gives them the opportunity to exercise common sense, viz DD1 aged 11 calling me to say the school bus had broken down and could she get the tube with some older kids.