Betraying my daughters trust regarding friends self harming?

[lizzielogs]

My 13 yr old came home from school in tears yesterday & made me swear if she told me something I wouldn't tell anyone else. She told me two of her girl friends are self harming. I don't know the families directly, but feel I should notify the school & let them take action. This will betray my daughter though, & I am so happy she felt she could discuss this with me.

I think it's fashionable in the Emo culture. No idea why! I know when I was at school I told nobody what I was doing. It was lots of long sleeves and refunsing to do PE.

Hmm seems I'm a lone voice but if it were my DD I would be encouraging
her to be the one to tell someone in authority, teaching her to do the right thing in life that will not always make you popular. I don't see why the DD can't do something anonymously and then the parents are not betraying anything.

Similar but different, around the same age a friend's mum called my house looking for me and asked me questions about her DD (who was sleeping around with randoms). I didn't give many details only answered yes/no questions but I cannot lie! Unfortunately this friend didn't turn her life around and ended up with an abusive bf and having a teen pregnancy with him, but I feel I had her best interests at heart.

Yes you should really be encouraging her to approach someone with her concerns. It would be very empowering for her and also an act of care for her friends.

I think that if you self harm, it is like a silent scream for help.

The girls who are self harming do need help and in a way are openly asking for it by letting classmates know, but will find it hard to be confronted by the school trying to get them to open up about issues that they can probably hardly face themselves. There may be an emotional backlash.

I think for that reason it is both important that you do let the school know the specific names of the girls, but keep your daughter's name anonymous

You should say something. It isn't about your daughters trust when something like this is going on. You would want to know if your daughter was doing it. Self harming can escalate from being not dangerous to suicide attempts depend on the mental health of the person in question. I suspect that given how upset your daughter was when telling you,that even though she said you shouldn't tell anyone yourself,she wouldn't be angry. Or not for very long anyway.

When I was in year 8 a girl was self harming. She hung herself in the same school year. She's been dead almost 11 years. The older I get the sadder it seems. I wish someone had been able to get through to her that life gets better than when you're 13.

Ive "betrayed" my daughters trust twice,two seperate friends,two very different but serious problems. I knew both mothers very well. I called

One mother promptly told her daughter that she knew what was going on and who told her. That caused HUGE problems

The other dealt with the situation calmly and discreetly and the child was none the wiser

I now think twice before I say something

I think you should make the school aware of what's going on - but talk to your daughter first to explain why it is important that the school know what's going on so they can provide her friends with the help & support they need.

There's a lot of stuff about self-harm kicking about online these days - could you have a look at the Mind/Rethink sites (for example) with your DD? This report about Self Harm could be a good starting point? Ensuring she understands about SI should help with getting her to see why the school should be informed. If you can get in touch with the person with overall responsibility for pastoral care they should be good about keeping your DD out of it as they'll've had the most training about handling things like this.

There was a certain amount of self-harming-for-attention even when I was a teenager a decade ago but it seems to have increased along of the deeply disturbing rise/growth of pro-anorexia. As other people have said, Wanting To Have "Problems" is in & of itself a problem, albeit not the one that people are projecting/claiming/trying to emulate. The Attention Seekers also make it much harder for people who actually ARE struggling with things like self-harm & eating disorders

Really hope that you're able to resolve this happily. Think it's important you make sure your daughter knows she is NOT responsible for looking after her friends. Of course she can offer them support but she needs to understand about setting appropriate boundaries & that prioritising her own [emotional] needs is not being selfish. Like many people I have suffered because I am so utterly rubbish at that; so I really do think if you can help your DD to develop the ability to support her friends without ending up squashed because they've leant too hard you will be providing her with an incredibly valuable skill!