Betraying my daughters trust regarding friends self harming?

[lizzielogs]

My 13 yr old came home from school in tears yesterday & made me swear if she told me something I wouldn't tell anyone else. She told me two of her girl friends are self harming. I don't know the families directly, but feel I should notify the school & let them take action. This will betray my daughter though, & I am so happy she felt she could discuss this with me.

I agree with valium.

It is entirely possible that the girls aren't self-harming, they may be attention seeking.

It is possible their parents and the school know.

It is possible your dd got the wrong end of the stick.

Having been the parent of three teenagers I have realised that the most important thing is my relationship with my own children, because in the end they are the only ones I have any input into.

So my efforts would go into trying to persuade my dd to talk to a teacher about this, rather than go behind her back. Only if I thought the other girls were in clear and immediate danger would I betray her confidence.

And no, I wouldn't trust the school or other parents to keep your dd out of it.

miry and yellow I really don't know, I am in two minds about the whole thing but my gut instance is to protect ds, or dd in the OP's case.

I would WANT to say something and if the school would absolutely guarantee there would be no come back on ds, and I am not sure I could trust them.

I would feel happier about an anon call to SS giving full details and school information.

yellow if it makes you feel any better I told my school nurse ( because that's what Jackie mag always told you to do, right?) that my step father beat me and she said "Oh well, you's better behave better then" - so there is no guarantee that anything you said would have made any difference to that poor girl xxx

I have realised that the most important thing is my relationship with my own children, because in the end they are the only ones I have any input into

My thoughts exactly ^^

I don't think it matters tuppence which way it's done valium provided someone who can offer help gets to talk to the girl.

If she happens to be doing it 'for attention' I'd still think it better that someone intervenes.

I don't think anonymous much matters tbh.

I would start with phoning school & saying you know about 2 girls self-harming but don't give names. Ask school to raise as this could be enough to prompt girls to ask for help. I know @ DDs school this has happened. If this doesn't prompt them over next few weeks then you will need to discuss with your DD again.

I think anonymous matter because it protects dd yellow and my loyalty would be with her first and foremost.

Poor you valium. Yes I remember Jackie did say that. What stupid adults there were back then (the nurse). At least in general things have moved on. And what a vile man. I hope he pushed off somewhere and didn't completely blight your childhood.

I have got into trouble before for telling the school about issues with other children.

ds1 was blamed for a lot of bad behaviour that I brought to the attention of the school, because the other kids just lied about it. I have learned to trust my own children first.

Obviously I would like to be able to help others - but in this case the other girls will either lie to the school, or ostracise your dd, neither of which will help. Or the other parents will insist your dd has made it all up (another lovely experience I have had - I'm constantly amazed how parents won't believe anything negative about their own children).

yellow my mum ^eventually* ditched him, thank God, but never really forgiven her He did blight my childhood but refuse to let him ruin my adult years.

I'd also contact the school and suggest they do a peer group session on it. It is probable that they know already, that the parents know, and that it's attention seeking. It's also true, as other posters have suggested, that it can spread like wildfire through school.
Valium it's the peer pressure aspect of sh that would override confidentiality here. DDs have told me about friends who smoke, are sexually active and sh; only about the sh have I done anything, I emailed the school outlining my concerns regarding dds 'peer group'. If they'd got back to me asking for names, I'd have talked to dd. They didn't and have been addressing it in PSHE.
OP sh is strange and sufferers seem to egg each other on and support each other simultaneously. it's really great that your dd has told you that her friends are doing it- keep a close, supportive and unjudgemental eye on her.

I had a friend in school who was suicidal and self harmed. It fucked with my head like nobody's business. At the time, my parents calling the school would've felt like the end of the world, but in hindsight, I really could've done with someone to take the immense, crushing responsibility I felt for my friend's wellbeing off my shoulders - and once 15 year old me had calmed down, I think she'd have been relieved.

Call the school.

could you discuss it with your daughter and explain the position you are in? as you have here - that you are torn between wanting to keep her trust and feeling an obligation to try to get these girls some help. That way if you do report it to the school, say anonymously, as in - there are rumours of self harming that the school should investigate/tackle - she might understand, so you're both on the same side as it were.
I think it says a lot about your relationship that she felt able to talk to you about it

One of the things I have picked up from Safegurading awareness is the difference between secrecy and confidentiality. You can't keep secret anything to do with possible harm. You can do your best to make sure it doesn't become common knowledge etc.

Help your DD to understand this, and hopefully she'll agree that you must tell the school so her friends can be helped.

Naoko but very useful to have that perspective.

you have to say something directly or indirectly to the school I would and not name names just say you heard that self harming was going on in the school , and then you are not betraying her trust by naming them , think of it this way if you thought 1 of her friends was being bullied or harmed by a parent neglected and abused would you say something?

Self harming was very common in my school at that age, half the class were cutting themselves, it was fashionable to be all angsty. Blabbing will only result in your daughter learning to never tell you anything again and if her peers find out (which is guaranteed if you tell the school or parents, these things always get back) she may be ostracised as no teen wants to be around someone who can't be trusted not to inform parents/school authorities on them.

If you prove yourself to be trustworthy, calm and always ready to listen, then you can be a rock of support and good advice to your daughter as she goes through the teenage years, break that and she's on her own.

"I have realised that the most important thing is my relationship with my own children, because in the end they are the only ones I have any input into"

but as has already been pointed out, feeling that you have sole responsibility for supporting a friend who is doing something self destructive can make YOU ill! (from experience!)

the OPs DS doesn't need that either!

I think you need to explain to your children that there are issues in life where you have a conflict of interest. Loyalty can take many shapes and forms, and sometimes you have to deal with a conflict of loyalties. The issue in the OP is a good (sad) example: should the OP be loyal to her DD's wishes, or should she be loyal to her friends and their very serious mental health issues?

When my DS was 12 he told a friend he was going to commit suicide. The friend told his mum and his mum told the school, who immediately rang me. In the immediate aftermath I wasn't thinking straight and I so wish I'd thanked both the boy and his mum for not just sitting on it. I am eternally grateful to both of them.

There's a big difference between threatening suicide and cutting into your arm, most teenage self harm is quite minor, it's one thing to break your childs trust where there is serious risk to another, quite a different thing to do it (and expose them to the very real social repercussions) because of teenage misbehaviour.

The trouble is the 'contagiousness' of sh- in telling the op's dd, the friends have involved her already.

I think that as there are two of them doing it, they are very likely to be doing it as something to do. I agree that girls did this quite frequently when I was at school and it was fashionable to 'have problems'.

In OPs situation, I'd need mor discussion with the dd to work out whether it was worth telling the school, who may well already know, and if I thought the school needed to be told, I would encourage her to see that and do it with her consent.

had a very similar issue. I hate to make generalisations but there seemed to be some kind of "culture" going on that somehow it is "cool" to self harm among teenagers at moment.

I really dont want to say it is a trend or anything as it is serious but when my 19 yr old was that age a few of the girls were doing it , it seemed to catch like wildfire , I am not really sure what it was about, I dug deep into her bebo (that was what they used ) and a few girls were comparing scars I did report it to the school , dd wasn't involved