or are the local Posh Mums rude?

[CarefullEugene]

DD2 is now in Year 1, pretty quickly in Year R she settled into a group of five girls. The same names are mentioned all the time, they play together, sit together at school etc.

I knew one child (1) from before school, DD and her get on well, she's been here to play a lot and been invited back.

Friend 2 - lovely friendly parents, playdates outside of school have flourished, lifts home from activities

Friend 3 - invited to play at our house, spent all Saturday had a great time, wanted to come back but never an invite back for my DD

Friend 4 - again has been round to play, mum sat drinking coffee in garden, I answered all her questions but never an invite back and failed to even ring/text about the class beach outing she organised during the summer.

First I thought it was 3 & 4 ' s parents did n't 'do' much out of school 'play stuff' but Friend 1 & 2 have both been several times to 3 & 4 s houses. !, 3 & 4 play tennis together. 1 & 3 organise lifts for ballet, which my DD goes to but has never been 'included'.

Have just gritted teeth and asked Friend 4 round again but the mother turned me down due to tennis commitment.

Parents of No.1 have worked very hard to manipulate desirable friendships but I don't know if I can be arsed. We've moved to this area, have a lovely home, work hard, nice manners but it just does n't seem to be enough for the local cheerleader mums.

So do I ask again, encourage DD to find other friends with nicer parents, ask a direct question - Tell me what's wrong?, or love bomb them with playtime/taxi invites?

Also isn't a play date an opportunity for a parent to play hooky and go shopping for a couple of hours get stuff done.

In the nicest possible way, maybe they don't want to accept a play date where they are part of the package and have to stay to play with you OP

All those things in your first paragraph are probably the actual reasons you know

Turnip Don't worry about MIW, her user name refers to the fact she married in a white fallout suit

eh - that little girl remained dd's bf until year 6 and still comes to her parties.

Not sure why friends 1 & 3 dont take yours as well to ballet, but they may have a genuine reason for that.
And sometimes it does work out for whatever reason that children may be round to yours more often rather than vice versa.
Friend 2, couldnt see a problem at all from what you have written.
But like others have said, the girls are your DDs friends, the mothers dont necessarily have to be your friends too.

Yes parents 1,3,4 sound very rude, organising playdates with each other but leaving your dd out, she s beginning to notice that she is nt invited back. I would just leave those friendships at school and encourage your dd to join clubs outside school, and make new other friends

Small town politics, it's like Vanity Fair round here, old money, new money, social climbers, socially unaware, all played out using kids who can't even be relied upon to wipe their own arses.

Cliche warning: I shall return to 'keep calm and carry on'.

Stick to the once a term invite to play and hope it all shakes down. 5 is always going to be an awkward number.

OP why would you think evidence is being taken down that will be used against you even in your retirement?
That seems OTT to the point of paranoia
Other people won't be keeping count like this I can assure you. As worry said this is about kids friendships and not your friendships - this works differently and imo all you should do is chill, relax and go with the flow. Otherwise insanity will engulf you.

You sound like the main character in a really awful Mummy Lit novel.

Are you sure much of this isn't in your imagination, OP?

Being completely honest, I used to be paranoid about invites etc. I moved DS to a new school in P2 and I became obsessed wih the number of invites he received, was he making friends etc. it took a while but I realised that actually very few of these play dates are happening. And generally they occur when one of the parents needs someone else to pick up their child due to work or other commitments. I have stopped caring about being invited back etc. if DS or DD want to invite a friend round, and we're free then that's fine.

Please learn from my mistake! Don't get paranoid about it, invite children round if your child wants to see them.

EnjoyResponsibly: no I don't expect the parents to stay at this stage.
She orgainised childcare for her younger DD, plonked herself down, assessed the real estate worth, interegated DH about his prospects whilst I provided bubble blowing equipment/snacks/a ball for the trampoline/more snacks. It was like having Supernanny and film crew gathering evidence.She satisfied her curiosity but in 12 months has never managed to invite DD round even once.

Her daughter is very nice though.

Maybe she was trying to chat to your husband about work be taste she thought you were vapid.

This thread is exactly why I don't do playdates but instead only invite my mates and their children over.

Chill.
Seroiously, I dont often say that to people.
You are going to get stressed out, if the town is really like you say it is.

Either get involved, or not.
I would heartily recommend not getting involved if there are those sorts of games going on.

Your DD enjoys her friends. Lovely.
Invite her friends round if you and she want to.
Do not keep tabs on how often she is invited back.
If she starts getting upset about not getting invited to their homes, just say it is up to the parents. She will probably comment to her friends about not being invited back. They will probably say something to their parents.
The friendships between the 5 girls will almost definitely change over time. And yes, your DD may get dumped or sidelined. And it will be painful.
But almost definitely there will be other friends she will make in her class or a different class. That is and always has been the way of friendships at school.

I think I've accepted in advance, that in the baby/toddler/preschool years I can arrange play dates with kids whose parents I get on okay with, but from school sod's law'll be that he picks the kids with the parents who I find the most hard work. There's nothing I can do about that, once in school they choose their own friends and I'll try my best not to let my feelings get in the way of arranging things for DS

You need to chill and enjoy OP. I really feel for you and hope you do manage to find your confidence in all of this. I lived in an area where people where very closed, but I expected to have children around to play with DS1 from the offset. I shrugged if off and sucked it up (glad I got that the right way around ). People couldn't be arsed, DS1 was a "lively" younger child, I am a little edgy in my humour and obviously have working class roots. Whatever. Ds1 was an only child for five years and it was easier for me to have all sorts around with no expectations of reciprocation. The hardest thing for me was explaining why Ds couldn't go to xxx's house when xxx had just been to ours.
In the end, I worked out it was just the area/ds's choice of friends and their parents who were busy/cba.

I still like my Dss to socialise and have long gotten over the idea of reciprocity. Just let your DD enjoy her friends and don't even worry for a minute about the parents. It sounds to me as if it is just one of those areas.

We moved two years ago to somewhere "naice", but "nouveau" and I am in heaven with the female parents of my Dss' friends' here. I don't know why: they are busier, don't care for the politics/overthinking, but they embraced us when we came. I never want to leave, even though I am eventually aiming for a different type of property.

OP, just find your niche (it will be small) and embrace that. If your DD still enjoys the company of the children, even where she doesn't get a reciprocal invitation, value it for what it is: their company, and show your DD that generosity of spirit (in deed, not word at this stage ).

Fakebook well with that attitude, not many of us here would give a shit.

I THINK it's like this where we live but it all goes wonderfully over my head because I'm so socially inept! My comfort is that children like who they like and by the time they hit year 6, they manage their own stuff more and more...by secondary, those Mum's won't have a clue who their DDs are friends with anyway!

Wtf? is that a personal attack?

There's a difference between smiling casually and smiling like a fake. It appears the OP is going out of her way to smile no matter what. She could be giving off a desperate vibe which may be putting people off. She wants to know why people are avoiding her and I'm giving my opinion.

Fakebook if that's your idea of a personal attack you are rather sensitive!

The OP is feeling very low about her situation. You saying "That would put me right off" and not offering any explanation is pointless and unkind too.

You don't know HOW she smiles. So you should have been more open in your response..."Are you grinning like a loon OP? Maybe you need to relax more."

Might have been better.

evidence will be taken down and remembered long into our retirement
I realise that was probably tongue in cheek, but really, it's kids playdates you're talking about . You also talk of behaving yourself. According to who's strictures?
Stop putting on an act and be yourself.
The world really isn't watching your every move, you know. And I very much doubt the one who came for coffee was "assessing your real estate worth".
You do actually sound hugely self absorbed.

Agree with Molly it is SO easy to lie about who we are and to try to fit the mould that someone else decided was "the best one" when in fact nothing is more attractive than someone who is totally open and unpretentious about who they are.

I dont "know" Facebook, or MrsCantSayAnything,
but as far as I can see, Facebook just posted her opinion adequately.

Well good for you million