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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy my own Christmas presents?

108 replies

TheHairyDieter · 12/11/2012 05:08

OK, so I am not a materialistic person. Really, I'm not. But it is nice to get presents. When I was growing up we never had much money (my parents were on benefits for most of my childhood), but they always made sure we had great Christmases and Birthdays. They didn't spend a lot of money, as I said, we didn't have it, but they made us feel special and loved.

My DH on the other hand never bothers. I cannot remember the last time I got a present from him. Every birthday, christmas, anniversary, I tell him what I would like, but he never gets me anything. He used to, years ago. I always get nice things for him. His latest excuse is that he can't use his debit card to buy online from the UK (we are overseas), but he could ask me to get something and give me the money, or set up a Paypal account, for instance. Or buy something locally. He always manages to get presents for his parents Hmm

I talked to him about it last night (again) and told him that it makes me feel that he doesn't appreciate me, to which he gave his usual reply, "yeah, fair enough". And I told him that it wasn't really good enough, to which he replied "nah, it's not, is it". That's it. End of the conversation.

So I made a list of all the things I have wanted for the past couple of years, and I am so tempted to just buy them for myself Grin. I am sitting here with my list and my credit card.

Should I? Or am I BU? Thanks. Feel free to flame me if I am.

OP posts:
cm22v077 · 12/11/2012 16:53

YANBU! Treat yourself! Smile x

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 12/11/2012 18:17

I think your note up thread about Ending the charade is a good one. It is really bizarre to me that he would ask for a $600 item when you don't currently have the funds for it. If me and DH had separate finances and he hadn't been working for a bit, my answer to what "would you like?" would be something like a DVD, not something that is presumably a noticeable chunk of your first pay packet.

How do you split paying for household expenses etc?

Snog · 12/11/2012 19:58

OP write us a list of what really makes a person worthwhile, and worthy of love - I suggest this as you say you do not feel worthy of this man's love.

Tbh I suspect you are worthy of a whole lot more. Write the list for us.

Original poster
TheHairyDieter · 13/11/2012 09:22

Yeah, I think it's the way his family have always disregarded me as well as the fact that he would rather look at other women on the internet than spend time with me, that made me feel I am not good enough. My DH is also very good looking which makes me feel inadequate, because I'm kind of not, really. I used to be, but I have let myself go. I am also quite a bit older than him, which doesn't help, either.

OP posts:
meddie · 13/11/2012 10:01

After years of none, or crap gifts from my now Ex husband, I started to make a point of buying myself one special present at christmas. I can honestly say its the present I most look forward to receiving :D

LondonNinja · 13/11/2012 10:02

He's good looking but he's a prat. His family sound awful. You beat yourself up far too much and you, dare I say it, are putting up with some shitty treatment.

I'm feeling rather forthright today, so feel free to ignore, but you could do yourself a huge favour and buy yourself a big present: freedom from this emotionally abusive family... Bloody hell, your DH is hardly making you happy, is he?

Chubfuddler · 13/11/2012 10:22

If I were married to your husband I'd buy myself a divorce for Christmas. He sounds like a selfish arse.

mayihaveaboxofchoculaits · 13/11/2012 10:23

ok, so you're not good looking (or you dont think so)
you know you are from a lower "class" than him, but you have overcome a lot

you have endured neglectful behaviour from your better looking, socially better established,"partner".

You dont have any sharing of his finances ,and he beleaves you are a distant money pot for his "requirements".

On one hand you seem to expect people to behave kindly,morally, because you do and have been taught to by your (obviously really sound)parents, and yet you dont have the confidence to see this inequality in your relationship.

Fast forward five years, what do you see?

Original poster
TheHairyDieter · 13/11/2012 11:46

Yeah, he's not really as bad as he sounds. I think it is more that he is slack rather than deliberately nasty (which is more than I can say for his family). I have thought about leaving a few times over the years. I do love him, I think it is I who needs to change. If only I could work out how to not be so needy and reliant on him...

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 13/11/2012 12:08

Good luck op, you'll need it.

Original poster
TheHairyDieter · 13/11/2012 12:14

What does this mean: . Thanks.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 13/11/2012 12:15

It's my palm, hitting my face in despair at your last post.

Original poster
TheHairyDieter · 13/11/2012 12:20

Why don't you just say what you mean? I could maybe benefit from your perspective.

OP posts:
Whoknowswhocares · 13/11/2012 12:39

So he hurts you knowingly and doesn't care
He can't be arsed to visit you in hospital when you are seriously ill
He is secretive and lies
He wants to be treated with presents and kindness, but expects it to be one way
He watched porn even though you have made your unhappiness about it clear
He lets his family disrespect you
He thinks he's done you a 'favour' in having a child with you and throws it in your face every time he wants his own way

And you think it is you who needs to change? REALLY?
Are you happy to live like this for the next 30 years or so? Because he won't change.

SugarplumMary · 13/11/2012 12:43

If he was just being slack - he'd have been horrified he'd upset you rather than indiffernet.

I think it is I who needs to change. If only I could work out how to not be so needy and reliant on him...

You?re blaming yourself here and forgetting there are two people in a relationship and both need make it work - if only one tries it?s going to fail.

Original poster
TheHairyDieter · 13/11/2012 12:44

Actually, apart from the porn thing (doesn't do that anymore) you are spot on Sad. Maybe things are worse than I thought Sad.

OP posts:
mayihaveaboxofchoculaits · 13/11/2012 14:33

I'm sorry.

nickelrocketgoBooooooom · 13/11/2012 14:39

If he doesn't do presents for you, then you must stop doing presents for him.

i hope it's nothing deeper than him just forgetting/not thinking.

ps: i love your presents. beautiful and practical :0

fuzzpig · 13/11/2012 15:48

Oh hairy. :( Where is your self esteem? (((Hug)))

I'm glad you are starting to see the truth, it sounds like he's really manipulated you.

Snog · 13/11/2012 19:50

I said "OP write us a list of what really makes a person worthwhile, and worthy of love - I suggest this as you say you do not feel worthy of this man's love. Tbh I suspect you are worthy of a whole lot more. Write the list for us. "
You replied with the reasons you are not worthy of love in your own view ie you are older than your dh and you feel that he is better looking.

So does that mean that in your view a person is only worthy of love if they are better looking than their dh and younger? Is that what makes someone worthy of love or not? And if you are from a poorer background are you less of a person or less worthy of love?

Have another try OP - write me a list of what makes a person worthwhile and worthy of love?

And if you truly love someone, would you want them to feel needy and reliant on you? It sounds to me like your dh likes you to feel like this.

Your happiness should be important to your dh. He should treat you with respect and make you feel cherished and loved for who you are. He should give you emotional support and be your friend. He should care not one jot if you are from a poorer home or if you are a few years older than him. If he loves you you will always look beautiful to him.

You cannot change to make him love you. OP I think counselling woud help you enormously at this point. Don't waste your life being unhappy - it doesn't need to be this way.

Original poster
TheHairyDieter · 14/11/2012 04:59

There is quite a shocking backstory, which I am not sure I can post on a public forum, but quite happy to disclose in a PM... if anybody's interested, of course.

OP posts:
midseasonsale · 14/11/2012 05:24

don't get him the 600 car gift. just something small. also things for yourself to unwrap Xmas day of equal value.

midseasonsale · 14/11/2012 05:26

do you think he loves you?

Isityouorme · 14/11/2012 06:02

Please don't buy him any presents. Wrap yours up and give them to yourself on Christmas Day. I think it is the only way to get him to recognise what a dick he is. He sounds quite selfish and you must stop pandering to him.

Snog · 14/11/2012 06:36

PM me if you like OP
What I want for Christmas though is for you to get yourself some decent RL support for the sake of you and your dc.happiness is waiting for you OP. find a good counsellor.