To buy my own Christmas presents?

[TheHairyDieter]

OK, so I am not a materialistic person. Really, I'm not. But it is nice to get presents. When I was growing up we never had much money (my parents were on benefits for most of my childhood), but they always made sure we had great Christmases and Birthdays. They didn't spend a lot of money, as I said, we didn't have it, but they made us feel special and loved.

My DH on the other hand never bothers. I cannot remember the last time I got a present from him. Every birthday, christmas, anniversary, I tell him what I would like, but he never gets me anything. He used to, years ago. I always get nice things for him. His latest excuse is that he can't use his debit card to buy online from the UK (we are overseas), but he could ask me to get something and give me the money, or set up a Paypal account, for instance. Or buy something locally. He always manages to get presents for his parents

I talked to him about it last night (again) and told him that it makes me feel that he doesn't appreciate me, to which he gave his usual reply, "yeah, fair enough". And I told him that it wasn't really good enough, to which he replied "nah, it's not, is it". That's it. End of the conversation.

So I made a list of all the things I have wanted for the past couple of years, and I am so tempted to just buy them for myself . I am sitting here with my list and my credit card.

Should I? Or am I BU? Thanks. Feel free to flame me if I am.

YANBU. I love your 'to me, from me' gifts.

I really feel for you. Most of the time, my DP is as much use as a chocolate tea pot and a class one liar.

However, he always gets me a decent Christmas present.

It's not hard; if you don't know what to get, get a gift card.

I would buy him his present, deposit it somewhere, and on Christmas day say to him, "ooooh, present exchange, you go first then I'll go and fetch yours " and make him actually say "I haven't got you one."

Your reply will be; "That's ok, because I got your hint from the last x years and didn't get you one either."

(then return/sell his gift and book a spa day or abseiling or whatever you fancy)

It sounds like you have deeper issues.

However my DH has done this on my birthday - and other occasions - he doesn?t always do it and sometimes puts a lot of effort in its very variable but for no obvious reason.

When the DC got old enough to understand and wanted to give me stuff - fairly early on - I started buying stuff for them to give me just in case - feels odd but I get what I want and I don't get embarrassed having to explain to them sometimes DH doesn't bother.

I?ve found its best to try and have a plan up my sleeve ? just in case ? so I don?t get upset. Took time to get there though and some years my own family don?t make any effort ? always felt awful when DH and family not bothering coincidenced ? felt I must be a terrible person and very unloved rather than overlooked.

It sounds like you have deeper issues.

Like what? Sorry, not challenging you, just genuinely interested. I can't see the wood for the trees, although I know I am far from happy.

I thought someone would mention that book (it's called languages of love or something) - it does sound interesting.

However, clearly H knows that presents show love because he still gets his parents presents :( and he knows that it upsets OP and doesn't give a shit.

Money isn't an issue (I'm guessing from the presents mentioned) but he can't even spend a tenner on a nice book or something.

You sound like a people pleaser OP - I used to be like that then woke up one day and realised it didn't work - example: friend was going through a bad marriage break up - I bought her wine, choccies, flowers, card, shoulder to cry on etc. - at around the same time my lovely father died, I didn't even get a condolences card from her - nada! - I woke up and smelt the coffee and stopped trying to please people

Sorry meant your relationship TheHairyDieter - sorry that wasn't clear.

From your posts I get your not happy, you talk of him keeping secretes ? suggest trust is a problem ? though can perhaps under why he hasn?t told you everything his parents say about you denying there is an issue at all is odd- he?s throwing the IVF at you ? the was a joint decision to make a DC not done ?for you?.

You've told him not bothering with presents hurts you - it doesn't change yet he make demands about what he wants - communication isn't a two way street. When I spoke to Dh he was horrified he upset me and would possibly mean an improvement next time not always though.
.

This isn?t just a not buying a present issue ?it?s a whole relationship issue. The porn and IVF sound horribly stressful perhaps they?ve taken a toll on the relationship?

Love the presents but as you have years of missed presents you need to buy yourself MORE.
Please, please don't get him anything, he really needs to know how strongly you feel about this.
I am speechless that he won't get you anything, yet tells you what he wants !
I think you'd be a fool to get him anything tbh

Hairy do you get presents acknowledgments from others?
Friends, family and so on.
If you do ,does he see this happening and what is his reaction, ignoring,belittleing,enthusiastic,suspicious?
If not, and he is your only source of meaningful gift by another adult, then I can see how it would be really painful, and clearly you deserve better. I hope you see how people on mn have really taken to you.

It's not that he stubbornly refuses to get me anything, it just doesn't happen, IYSWIM. He will sometimes make a gesture, like looking at a link of something I have sent him as a hint, but it won't go beyond that.

It will be interesting to see how he feels when I don't get him anything this year. I feel really bad, though.

Love the presents but as you have years of missed presents you need to buy yourself MORE.

Totally agree. Any suggestions?

You said you weren't materialistic but you're desperate for your partner to buy you things in a forced show of affection.
He obviously doesn't care, so you should just buy yourself whatever you want and he can get get himself whatever he wants. lower your expectations, he sounds like a lazy shit, don't expect so much. If you want to be wallowing in this gift giving nonsense for the next 30 years, carry on.

^^
Above post should be read matter of factly, not shouty, sorry if it comes across like that!

Ouch, that hurt, WishICouldBeLikeDavidWicks, but I know you're right .

Right, I seriously think he's taking the piss you for granted. He doesn't seem able to get off his arse, or even sit on his arse, and do a bit of shopping for you. If he was one of those "I don't do presents" people, then, fine. But he's bloody well askin for a gift, and a pricey one at that.

I'd spend the $600 on presents for you (nice ones so far, btw) and when it comes to Christmas, just say you felt he wasn't that keen on the whole present thing, so you didn't buy anything this year. Actions speak louder than words, and if he doesn't understand why you are upset, what with you having explained it, he never will. Let him feel it!

His parents sound like knobs interesting, too.

I've been thinking along the same lines as LondonNinja.

Maybe buy him something small and easily returnable or something you want yourself that you can whip out if he does get the message before Christmas.

Otherwise when he turns the puppy-doy eyes on you when there is nothing for him under the tree from you just say "Oh, I didn't think we were doing presents this year." while looking pointedly at the blank space in front of you.

I bought my husband 'The Hurt Locker' on DVD for our anniversary this year, when the day passed with no mention of it from either of us I had a nice new movie to add to my collection, hmmm Jeremy Renner.

YANBU to buy yourself stuff. No need to make it 'Christmas presents' from yourself though, that's a bit twee. If you want something, and you can afford it and have space for it, just buy it. That's what I do anyway!

I am not bothered about giving/receiving presents, but it's clear that there are underlying issues here with how valued you feel in your relationship. And it seems a bit off that he's asking for expensive presents for himself while not bothering to do anything for you!

I think he will want to get the car thing for himself, then expect me to pay for it. I am tempted to say something like: "look, you didn't get me anything for my last few birthdays and last few Christmases or anniversaries, and you know how much it hurts me, so let's stop the charade right now and stop present-buying completely. I won't buy you anything and I suggest you don't buy me anything, not that you ever do anyway".

There is something in the love languages I think. But my DH would naturally not be a gift giver - but wouldnt care if he never got any either. Yours is different as he expects to receive and not give.

Sorry to ask again but would the $600 for his gift come from the joint account or your savings?

About the $600... I am going back to work next week, so I would probably give it to him when I get paid. It is partly my fault in that I asked him what he wanted, but then at the same time felt resentful as I know he won't get anything for me.

I have brought it on myself, really. It was suggested down thread that I am a people pleaser... I think I probably am. Part of me feels grateful that he's with me. I think I don't really feel worthy of him. This is nothing that he has done, it is more to do with the circumstances I was in when he met me. I hate these expressions, but I come from a real 'chavvy/trailer trash' background and my life was very much like that when he met me. Even though it is me, though my own efforts, that has carved a better life for myself and, as a result, him, and we've had two kids, I still feel that I don't really deserve him, I guess.

I don't understand the $600 thing. Do you keep all your finances separate, even though you're married with children together? Seems to me that if he wants to buy the car thing for himself, he should just buy it and be done with it .

If it's just you giving him money, and him doing nothing for you, that's not really 'exchanging presents' in any meaningful way. I really don't see the purpose of it.

Yeah, we have never had a joint back account (my choice). I am not buying it for him, so we'll just have to see if he buys it for himself. Meanwhile, I have some lovely things on their way .

Gosh, I feel bad now

Fair enough, we don't actually have joint accounts either (just never got around to setting them up!), there's nothing necessarily wrong with that. I still wouldn't really see the point of me giving DH money like that though.

You have nothing to feel bad about here . Enjoy your 'presents'!

Don't feel bad! Enjoy your haul and don't give him the car thing. Just say you looked at it etc etc (just like he does) and there wasn't one in stock at the time, and then let it drop...

(looked online I mean)

Neither dh or I are particularly into big presents. (We are both badly missing the materialism gene, we have plenty of money so if we want something we just buy it, we have had a joint account forever so technically we may as well just buy for ourselves and we are both a bit disorganised as far as present buying goes.)

Actually this year he didn't even get me a card. And I told him not to.

The reason being that the w/e before my birthday was my best friend's wedding so we were away. It was the hottest weekend of the year and we were in the hottest city in the country. Dh copes very badly with the heat. However, I was bridesmaid and he did all the looking after of dd throughout the night before meal, getting her ready, two ceremonies, photos, speeches etc. and both nights he put her to bed so I could stay up. All in all he was a star!

Anyway the next day me, my mum and dd were all going to visit my gran who is in a home in the city. I suggested he went for a swim in the hotel pool. (Temp still 38 degrees.) He looked sheepish and said he needed to go shopping. I twigged he'd forgotten it was my birthday the next day and he was going to get me something. Told him not to be ridiculous and to go and have a swim.

The thing is though is that I know he loves me so presents and cards are meaningless. If you don't, or if presents are important to you, then it is very different.

Your H thinks he and his family deserve presents, but you don't. He knows this upsets you, but doesn't care. He expects you to be eternally grateful to him for fathering your dc. Is this the relationship you want to be in for the rest of your life? Is it what you want your dc to emulate?