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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my friend is taking the piss ?

67 replies

mylifesucks · 10/11/2012 14:21

Long time lurker, first time poster.

I have a friend who I've known for ten years, and I'm starting to reach my limit with her. She is a LP like me, but she lives with her parents who are quite well off and she doesn't pay rent or bills (I know because she brags about this.)

Nearly every weekend she announces that she is coming to stay with me overnight, she never asks me if this is convenient, she just turns up with her 2 yr old DD in tow. They take my double bed and I end up sleeping on the sofa which isn't very uncomfortable! Her DD helps herself to all the food in my fridge and my friend just lets this happen, and after they've gone my house looks like a total tip thanks to her DD but my friend never offers to help. She even says "Oh it'll only take you 5 minutes to clear up" as she leaves!

Usually at some point she will announce she's popping out to see her boyfriend who lives near me, and she just leaves her DD with me without checking if I'm okay with this. She'll be gone for at least 2 hours. She will come back with some food or treats for her DD and nothing for my DD (4) despite having helped herself to our food. On one occasion her DD had finished all the yoghurts in my fridge and so I asked her to pick my up some more whilst she was out. She came back with a pack of 6 fromage frais, broke 3 off for me and told her I owed her 25 pence. On another occasion I asked her not to buy treats for her DD to eat in front of my DD, and rather than say she'd pick something up for her aswell she said she'd leave then so her DD could eat it in the car!

There are so many instances of this thoughtless behaviour but what happened last night has really wound me up. She turned up again last night this time without DD and things were going a bit better. But then she said "It's my birthday next week. You can get me a bottle of vodka and a bottle of shots. It'll only cost you 15 or 20 quid." I told her I was going to be doing my Christmas shopping for DD on Monday, and she said "Well can't you just do that in a couple of weeks?"

I'm so upset that she doesn't seem to have any concept of how selfish she is, or how much of a struggle it is for me trying to juggle bills and assumes that as a grown woman her birthday should take priority over my DD's christmas. On the other hand, I've known her such a long time and I don't have many close friends, so not sure I'm ready to cut her off. I know I need to grow some balls though cos it's making me dread the weekends! Any suggestions?

OP posts:
apostropheuse · 10/11/2012 16:23

Just say NO.

NO you cannot stay this weekend, because I actually don't want you to. I want to be on my own with my daughter. I will let you know the next time it's convenient for me for you to stay. (If ever).

NO I won't be buying you that present because I will be buying my daughter's Christmas present. She is a child, MY child, and I must prioritise her needs before yours.

NO you and your daughter cannot leech off me any more. I actually cannot afford to feed you. It's simply not possible.

NO it's not appropriate for you to buy only your own daughter treats and then to give them to her in front of mine. In fact it's downright cruel.

You really do have to stand up to her. If she's behaving like this then she's really not worth keeping as a "friend".

CSIJanner · 10/11/2012 16:24

And send her a bill for the food taken from the fridge. You have the starting point with 25p for 3 fromage frais...

TessCowDirect · 10/11/2012 16:24

She is not your friend. She is taking complete advantage of your lack of confidence & low self esteem.

I would rather have no friends at all than one like her.

RubyrooUK · 10/11/2012 16:31

When she next announces she is coming over, say "Oh sorry, it's not a good time. I've invited X and her daughter over. She offered to cook a lovely dinner for us all and the girls are going to have a sleepover - she's bought them a movie and ice cream. Another time?"

Maybe when she realises that she is not doing you a favour by being your weekend social life (it sounds like this is her mentality) then her behaviour might improve.

whois · 10/11/2012 16:43

Why are you friends with her? Sounds like a total nightmare.

I just fit get why people stay 'friends' with someone who treats them like crap.

Original poster
mylifesucks · 10/11/2012 16:50

I agree with every one of you! I'm quite ashamed that I've been letting it go on but I just freeze at the thought of confronting her. I know I need to grow a spine, your comments have reassured me that her behaviour isn't right. There are so many examples that I'm getting angry just thinking about it!

Such as a few weeks ago her DD helped herself to a whole punnet of strawberries that I'd bought for my DD to last a couple of days. Then when she returned from seeing the boyfriend she brought back a pack of grapes and had them hidden in her bag, sneaking to her DD when she thought I wasn't looking. The same weekend she (and her DD) ate up all my crisps out of the cupboard. When I asked her to get some more whilst she was out she asked me for the money whilst she was holding a 20 pound note. When I told her I was totally broke she emptied out my copper jar. I know it sounds absolutely unbelievable but I promise it is true!

Her attitude seemed to be that she was doing me a favour by driving to the shop and getting more crisps, even though I only needed more cos she'd eaten them, and I was watching her DD whilst she went off to see boyfriend. Reading it in black and white I'm mortified that I tolerate this.

OP posts:
PrincessSymbian · 10/11/2012 17:15

With friends like her who needs enemies!

Seabird72 · 10/11/2012 17:22

can you go and stay somewhere when you know she usually turns up? Be away for the whole weekend and then when she calls tell her you were with a friend. Then just try and keep going out around the time you know she turns up - I'm a coward I'm afraid so rather than a massive confrontation I'd try to avoid. She'll get sneakey though and try to catch you unawares so you have to think up new things!! The only other option is to stand firm and say no. She's usuing your house like it's her own and getting free childcare. If you find yourself with her staying again then you will have to make an excuse as to why you can't have her child or just don't open the door in the first place!! She can go stay at her boyfriend's house instead.

hermioneweasley · 10/11/2012 17:31

Wow, you life is going to be so much better without her! I agree with others that say just say no to her coming over m(and then she can't do the other stuff). Just keep saying no and she'll get the hint- no need for confrontation.

HissyByName · 10/11/2012 17:36

I'm horrified.

The fucking off to her boyf, leaving her DD with for long enough for a shag a couple of hours, is just beyond unreasonable.

lurkedtoolong · 10/11/2012 17:36

I'm glad that writing it down in black and white helps to bring home to you how horrible this woman is. Is she coming tonight? Take the battery out of the door bell and ignore it.

ConfusedPixie · 10/11/2012 17:37

YADNBU, but she only continues with this behaviour because you let her. Just stop responding, put the door on the catch when she comes to the door so that you are making it clear that you're busy (and putting a physical barrier in the way of her so that you don't just give in and let her in!) and start spending time with people you enjoy spending time with. Putting you out of pocket and imposing on you is very cruel!

myBOYSareBONKERS · 10/11/2012 17:37

Sorry to be blunt but you may think she is a close friend but she isn't. She doesn't see you as a friend at all as no-one treats friends like that. She sees you as her weekend holiday home with housekeeping and childcare thrown in.

She is taking food directly away from your daughter which you have to replace meaning she is missing out on other things.

Save your sanity and distance from her as the negativity that she is causing will only make you bitter.

Beautyschooldropout27 · 10/11/2012 17:47

If I was you I would copy the web page address at the top of this page and email it to her with a brief message saying you don't want her in your life any more. I pity her poor parents who have to live with the spoilt brat they created.
You need a confidence boost, my advice first off is to change your nickname from 'mylifesucks' to something nicer. You are doing incredibly well looking after your daughter, who I'm sure brings a lot of happiness to your life. It sounds like you are a lovely person and I'm not surprised that you have already found a new friend - maybe ask her if she wants a coffee sometime and go out to a few groups with her where you will get talking to other mums. Please, please, please get rid of this friend as if you are feeling low, her unfair treatment of you will just reconfirm for you any bad thoughts you have about yourself.

lunar1 · 10/11/2012 17:52

Glad writing it down has given you some clarity. I would stop taking her calls and opening the door if you really can't confront her.

agedknees · 10/11/2012 17:58

She is not a friend, she is a user. Friends support one another. Friends give to one another. Does this sound like her? No, I don't think so.

SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 10/11/2012 18:00

Shock Get rid! Don't worry about offending her, just do it. She isn't your friend, you don't need to be polite to someone who is using you and stealing from you.

whois · 10/11/2012 18:01

If you can't stand having a confrontation then just stop answering her text or calls and either be locked in the house when she arrives, or be out. Preferably out.

VolumeOfACone · 10/11/2012 18:03

She sounds awful!
I agree, I am a coward too so I say just be out! Every weekend until she gets the hint.

Vaginald · 10/11/2012 18:03

You're not her friend, you're her babysitter. Except you pay her.

Sorry, sounds harsh but what a cow she is, dump her sorry arse ASAP.

VolumeOfACone · 10/11/2012 18:05

Sorry, wasn't saying you were a coward. I was agreeing with seabird.

GailTheGoldfish · 10/11/2012 18:05

Beautyschooldropout27 is totally right. Tell her to sling her pisstaking hook and let this be the start of you building your confidence to bring the nice people into your life that you deserve to have around you.

Afrodizzywonders · 10/11/2012 18:10

Please please, starting from today.....put your foot down. Do not have her round, she needs a reality check. You are busy, she can't come round....end of. You don't need friends like this.

mummymeister · 10/11/2012 18:15

Just because someone was a good friend in the past doesnt mean that they have to stay your friend for ever does it. It is really hard to do but sometimes you just have to say "look, this isnt really working for me any more. i used to look forward to meeting up with you now i just dread it. can we cool off for a couple of months and maybe meet for a coffee after Christmas" your time is precious dont waste it on someone like this.

ChasedByBees · 10/11/2012 18:24

I am I'm shock that anyone could be so vile! Tell her to piss off, the sponging hideous woman.